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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 24, 2008 22:33:13 GMT -5
Any attempts at rational thought were gone when he kissed her. She closed her eyes and pressed closer to him, while her hand slid up his back to lightly grip the nape of his neck. Her fingers tangled in the curly hair that grew there, and she let out a soft moan against his lips. For one beautiful moment, all was as it had been... they were together again, the rest of the world be damned. It would have been so easy to just let it all go, to lose herself in him and pretend the last few weeks hadn't happened.
But they had.
She broke the kiss, but didn't pull away from him. She just leaned her head against his shoulder, silently wrestling with her conflicting feelings.
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 0:40:43 GMT -5
Ted nearly held his breath when she broked the kiss, he was so worried she would push him away. Actually, he was expecting her to slap him or start yelling at him or any number of other things that he fully deserved.
But he just held her, as long as she was going to let him. "I am so sorry... I missed you so much."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 1:04:24 GMT -5
"I miss you, too," she said, her voice barely audible.
She wondered if he would notice that she said "miss" and not "missed." But it was how she felt... she still missed him, even with his arms around her. She felt like they had lost something along the way and she wasn't sure if she could get it back. She wanted to kiss him and tell him she loved him--which she hadn't done yet--and just have everything be OK again. But she wasn't sure it would.
The fact was, he had hurt her deliberately. Even if he thought he was doing it for the right reasons, even if he'd been trapped into it by Rita... he still had said things that were deliberately intended to hurt her. And that was hard to take.
She didn't look at him, but she didn't separate from him, either. She needed to feel his arms around her, even if they were making it harder to decide the answer for the question that he had not yet asked.
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 1:17:19 GMT -5
Ted should have been worried that she wasn't saying anything, and the part of him that kept trying to fill the silence was worried. But outwardly, he was taking her silence as a good thing.
She wasn't yelling at him, or slapping him, or crying any more than she had been. This was all good, right? She would forgive him, which he very certainly did not deserve.
But he could only say he was sorry for so long before he did start to get nervous. "Andi, please say something. Let me know you're okay."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 1:25:21 GMT -5
Andi closed her eyes. She wished he could say something to ease her mind, to take away the lingering pain she still felt. His arms, his kiss... they weren't enough. They should have been, but then, he'd hurt her so badly. Did he even understand how much?
Slowly she pulled away from him, then looked up at him, her brown eyes still swimming in tears. "I'm not OK," she said, her voice cracking. "It's not OK. I've been crying over you for weeks, Ted. I've never cried this much in my life. You hurt me... and even if you thought you were doing it for the right reasons, that doesn't make it hurt any less."
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 18:22:36 GMT -5
Ted hadn't been smiling, but he still felt a cold punch to the stomach and what should have been a smile fading from his lips. He was deflating. He thought that, despite how badly everything had gone, and how miserable they had both been, that there was hope for him, for them.
"Andi," he said softly, afer a moment of trying to figure out how to get his feet back under him. "Andromeda... I know I hurt you..."
He trailed off, still feeling like the air was forced from his lungs, his eyes searching hers.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 18:36:17 GMT -5
Andi was still feeling terribly conflicted. She knew that they were meant to be together. She could still see the future staring back at her through those beautiful blue eyes. It was the reason the original breakup had hurt her so badly... she felt as though her whole future had been ripped away, leaving a great big gaping hole.
Whatever happened now was not the end. She knew that. But she also knew that if she took him back now, there would still be things that would haunt her. She needed to get past them before she could be with him.
"I love you," she said almost forcefully. She needed him to understand how much. "And I want to forgive you. More than anything... I wish I could just forgive and forget and have things be the way they were before. But it's not that simple. I love you so much... And that's why you were able to hurt me as much as you did. The worst part is, you did it on purpose. No matter what the reason, you still wanted to hurt me and it's very hard for me to deal with that."
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 18:51:18 GMT -5
"No," Ted said, something in his eyes desperate and pleading with her to understand. "No, that's where you're wrong. I didn't want to hurt you. Hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do, Andromeda. I wanted to make things easier for you, simpler, better. I love you too much to think that I would ever make you regret leaving your family, and I admit that I was a right arse for the way things happened... it wasn't planned. If I went back and still chose to end things, it would not have happened like that. I don't.... I don't even know that I would end it. But I want to make this up to you, and I know there are a lot of things we have to work through. I do get all of that, Andromeda. But I'll do whatever it takes. Just... tell me what you need from me, love."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 26, 2008 23:40:25 GMT -5
Andi could see he was hurting. This was just as hard for him as it was for her. But Andi kept going back in her mind to that moment, when he'd told her that he'd "got what he wanted from her." There was also the fact that he'd met her mother and not come running to find her afterwards, when he must surely have realized what kind of family he'd been trying to send her back to.
"Ted.... you should have known me well enough to know that the decision about whether I was going back to my family was made a long time before you came along," Andi said. "I love you... but you don't get to make that kind of decision for me. I'm perfectly capable of doing it myself. And I had already made it. I was not going back to my family, with or without you. Even now... I could get back in, if I wanted to. All I have to do is agree to marry Rabastan Lestrange. But I won't... even if he asks. You're the only one I've ever wanted."
She let out a heavy sigh, and began to wipe her face, which was soaked with tears. "I need time, Ted. Time to think. Time to learn to trust you again. I.... What I said earlier... about maybe needing to take things slower. I think that's what we should do. I plunged right into this and never even thought to take a breath. Obviously we don't know each other as well as I thought, if you thought I would ever want to go back to a family that never really cared about me."
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 27, 2008 1:28:16 GMT -5
"That's just it, Andi. I don't really know you at all."
He sighed. "Listen, I knew you weren't going to go back to your family if I was still there. It was a decision you never would have made. I wanted to talk to you, I did, but then things just happened at the school, and I didn't think. I don't think time is going to help ether of us, Andi. I mean, time together to fix this... not more time apart."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 27, 2008 1:46:03 GMT -5
Andi slowly moved closer to him. She was still filled with indecision. It did make sense that they should work on this together... but did he realize that it still hurt just to look at him? "I know you," she said. "Or at least, I thought I did. I know that you're old-fashioned... you want to be the protector. I know that you love your family, and that you're still split between the wizarding world and the muggle world, because that's where your family is. I know that you scratch the back of your neck when you're nervous, and that you smile like a little boy whenever you're embarrassed. I just thought you understood me... Maybe there were a lot of things I didn't tell you about my family, but I thought you understood why I couldn't go back."
She sighed again and ran a hand through her hair. "I want to stay, Ted. I do. Give me a reason. Because right now, it's killing me just to look at you."
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 27, 2008 1:55:07 GMT -5
She could read him. Pick up on his habits, and it actually impressed him just how much she did. Did he actually scratch his neck when he was nervous? It didn't matter. The point was, the two of them had jumped into a relationship so fast that they really didn't know much about each other.
"Stay. Stay because I love you."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 27, 2008 13:23:10 GMT -5
He was making this so hard for her. She wanted to say yes, even if she couldn't quite forgive him yet.
She stepped into his arms, putting her arms around him and holding him tightly. "I love you, too," she breathed. Tilting her head up, she kissed him deeply, trying to drown out the voice that was screaming in her head.
The thing was, she couldn't regret that she had jumped into things with him so quickly before. She loved him desperately, more than she even knew how to describe. And the times they'd had together had been so perfect and wonderful. But she wondered now if it had been too quick for him... if maybe he wasn't ready before. And there was something else that was bothering her... why hadn't he come to her sooner to tell her all of this?
Breaking the kiss again, she looked up at him. "If I hadn't shown up here tonight, would you have come to me to tell me this... to apologize and say that you loved me? Or would you have just let me keep thinking you didn't want me?"
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 29, 2008 0:16:35 GMT -5
"Yes," Ted answered without hesitation. "Yes, I was going to talk to you. Granted, probably not tonight... I don't know when. I've wanted to talk to you... I've wanted to see you for so long."
Ted was telling her the truth, and he knew what her next question would be, so he tried to answer before she could ask. "I was just worried you wouldn't listen, and you would have had every right not to. I just... couldn't have handled it."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 29, 2008 0:43:57 GMT -5
He was saying all the right things. All the things she wanted to hear. But it felt too easy... she couldn't trust it. She couldn't trust him. The fact that he'd thought she might change her mind about loving him really bothered her. She'd spent weeks crying over him and had completely forgotten how to smile. She hadn't even been able to summon up enough anger to hate him for hurting her. Hell, she'd planned to remain single for the rest of her life, because she couldn't be with him. And he'd thought she would just randomly decide that she didn't love him anymore and would want to go back to her family?
And he'd met her mother and hadn't immediately come to her afterwards. Merlin only know what the woman had said to him, but she was quite certain it was more than he had let on.
There were so many things... little things... but they added up. They were like little warning signs, red flags of danger that kept holding her back. But Merlin, she missed him so bloody much...
"I would have listened," she said softly. "I kept hoping you would walk in and tell me it was all a mistake..."
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 29, 2008 0:51:49 GMT -5
"It was a terrible mistake," Ted told her. "I was too much of a coward to come to you... I did something horrible and I had no idea how to atone for it. I... I still don't, Andromeda. I have no idea how to make this up to you, but I want to spend however long it takes... the rest of my life if I have to, making it up to you. Please let me."
He whispered the last three words. She was still here, but she was offstandish. She didn't want to forgive him.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 29, 2008 1:12:08 GMT -5
Andi took a deep breath. She was still standing on the edge of that cliff, trying to decide whether to take the plunge or climb back to safety. She wanted to jump; to lose herself in his kiss and let the past wash away. But she was paralyzed with fear and doubt. What if things weren't the same? What if she could never learn to trust him again? What if he got scared again?
But he was still saying the right things... and the look in his eyes was sincere. Or seemed sincere. She didn't know how to judge anymore. She was just so confused...
She moved closer to him again, but her movements were slow and uncertain.
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 29, 2008 1:57:00 GMT -5
Ted only took her into his arms as she came closer.
"I know I hurt you, and I know you don't trust me. But give me a chance, Andi, and I'll make up for all the hurt, and I'll earn your trust again."
He was speaking the truth. He would spend every breath he had left in his body making this girl feel adored and loved and cared for. He had so much to make up for, and he wanted to start right now.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 29, 2008 2:05:36 GMT -5
With his arms around her, she could almost shut out the voices of doubt that were screaming in her head. Almost. How long had she wanted to hear him say these things, to have him hold her like this? It was all so perfect and right and exactly what she'd wanted. She almost wanted to ask him to pinch her to be sure it wasn't just a dream.
But it wasn't, because she'd never been plagued by these nagging doubts in her dreams. If it was a dream, they'd already be back in his apartment making love right now.
And Merlin, she wanted that so badly...
She kissed him again, hoping to erase the last of her doubts.
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Post by Ted Tonks on Nov 29, 2008 2:35:47 GMT -5
He hated when she was quiet, because it meant she was thinking, and that couldn't mean anything good for him. How did he make her see how truly sorry he was? He would do anything to have her back in his life. Anything.
"Come home with me, Andi. I'll make us something to eat or drink, we'll put on an old movie... Casablanca... and we'll just talk. I know this is going to be hard... so let's start small, okay? Say yes."
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