Hope Anchors the Soul

[Christian Ward]

The space around them was shifting too fast for Christian to keep up. Every time he opened his mouth to shout at Diana for being so bloody stubborn they moved into a new, heartbreaking scene.

That strange door appeared again that Diana simply stood in front of. Marcus Crawford proved himself to be a scoundrel when he struck his daughter for not agreeing to get rid of her child. Diana proved willfully ignorant as she spoke lovingly to her pregnant belly of the child's father, despite the nuns' cruelty. And still that God damned door!

"So what? So what! So f*cking everything, Diana! Why the f*ck do you think you're here?!" But Christian didn't have time to continue berating Diana into hating him for his past sins. The scene shifted again and the real Diana clearly knew what was going on, but Christian was at a loss.

A severely pregnant Diana was looking at piece of parchment. He couldn't read what was written but judging by the look on young Diana's face it was important. And a quick glance at the real Diana's face told him that something terrible was about to happen. As if she hadn't been through enough already.

[Diana Ward]

Diana couldn't fight her emotions any longer, particularly with what she was about to witness. It didn't matter that she should have hated Christian, she needed him.

Diana's lip trembled and tears quickly gathered in the corners of her eyes. She had cried so much and so often in front of Christian these days, but she couldn't help another emotional outburst. She submitted to the anguish, "Christian..." she whispered and reached blindly for him, she couldn't take her eyes away from her younger self.

"What are you doing in Bosnia?" she asked aloud for the millionth time as she stood in front of a building. She was looking up, there was hope in her eyes, a smile gently playing on her lips. She would finally tell him, and he would make everything right. They'd get married, or they'd live in sin, it didn't matter if she could just get to him she knew everything would be okay. That's why she was looking up, that's why she didn't see the carriage or the drunk driver speeding his horse around the corner.

Diana turned her face in against Christian's chest as the horse hooves came down on young pregnant Diana. She had never seen the incident from a third person view. She had experienced the horror first hand an image of a demon horse rearing as the driver didn't even slow down. Hooves beat down upon her as she used her body as a shield for the precious cargo that rested in her womb, then as her body laid inert from her injuries, the carriage simply speeding over her as though she were nothing but a bump in the road.

[Christian Ward]

Diana reached for him and it was only natural that he hold her. She seemed unable to pull herself away from whatever was happening before them. Christian watched too.

Bosnia. Young Diana was looking for Christian. He couldn't remember her ever finding him and certainly not while she was so obviously pregnant. Before he had time to connect the dots that Diana had never made it to him that day, the drunk carriage driver appeared.

Diana turned into his chest and he brought his arms around her, blocking the scene from her view but he couldn't look away. This was what his carelessness had cost and he had been completely ignorant to it for 16 long years. He held the real Diana tighter as the carriage sped off, not sure if the closeness was a necessity for her or for himself. He felt as though he was going to be sick.

[Diana Ward]

Diana felt the pain of that moment and relied on Christian to hold her upright as she cried, "I was looking up... I was so sure that if I could just reach you that you'd make everything okay." she confessed.

The scene shifted to the hospital, Diana was connected to so many different machines. Her father was present, he looked concerned as he stood over her. They put a baby in his arms and he looked between his daughter and his grand child before walking away with the baby.

Diana shuffled out of Christian's arms, "No!" She was done giving her father excuse after excuse, she wanted him to come back, she wanted to hold her baby. She tried to follow him, but he stayed just out of reach.

"She's mine! No!"

[Christian Ward]

The twenty-something Christian wouldn't have made everything okay, even if she had managed to find him. He was a selfish knob who knew nothing of obligations yet. He would learn soon enough; as his father's health continued to decline and he took on a larger role in the family business, not to mention the obligations that he took on when he joined the Knights of Walpurgis before they became better known as the Death Eaters. Young Christian might have turned her away and hurt her further, or possibly he would have given her money to keep the child in secret. There was no real way of telling what could have happened if it weren't for that drunk driver, but none of it was bound to end happily.

Diana had chosen poorly when she fell for Christian then. He was determined now to not make the same mistakes twice. Marcus Crawford turned away and left with Diana's daughter and Christian too felt the urge to chase after him and stop him. Something deep inside of him wanted to beat the man to a bloody pulp, but there was no use. Marcus Crawford was dead and the figure taking away a crying babe was only a figment of Diana's subconscious.

Christian moved for Diana instead. She struggled against him but he could easily overpower her. "She's not real," he reminded her. "That's not Alyx."

[Diana Ward]

She fought him harder, the line between reality and fantasy had faded. Diana was sure if she could only hold her child that the nightmare would end, but she had experienced this nightmare before. Several times. And once again it led back to Simm's front door.

Marcus disappeared behind the door and Diana's steps faltered, she stopped struggling in Christian's arms. She even turned to face him, almost pushing him backward.

[Christian Ward]

They were back in front of that damned door again. It was clear that whatever they needed to do to accomplish the anchoring was on the other side.

"What is this?" he questioned in a demanding tone. This was their fourth time in front of this door and Diana had refused to go near it every time.

[Diana Ward]

"It's nothing." she said stubbornly. She wasn't even sure what it was behind Simm's door, but it terrified her and made her sick at the same time.

[Christian Ward]

"Nothing, my ass!" Diana was strong-willed - no, that term was meant to be endearing. Right now, Diana was being as stubborn as a mule. They kept coming back to the same memory and he knew they would continue to do so if she didn't deal with whatever traumas lied behind that door. He wanted out of this nightmare. He wanted Diana safe from the hit wizard who was using her own subconscious against her. This had to end.

"F*ck, Diana! Is there really anything worse than what we've already seen?" He pictured young, pregnant Diana's body lying in the street. "You were used and neglected by the men you loved and had your f*cking daughter stolen from you. Not only did you survive that, you became a terror in your own right. How many men have you cut down in order to protect Alyx? How hard have you fought to make it this far? You're not going to f*cking give up now because of what's behind some f*cking door, are you? Whatever it is, you've already experienced it and made it out alive. Just open the bloody door and let's deal with what's on the other side together. I've got your back, Diana."

[Diana Ward]

She looked up at him, she felt small, her face was surprisingly childlike in that moment with twin streaks of tears falling down her cheeks.

Those were things done to her. Things she had survived. Behind Simm's door was something she had caused. She was at fault for it, and it was her darkest moment.

She turned from Christian and put her hand on the door knob, she was reluctant to open it, but pushed through anyway.

"C'mon Simms, I've got you." Diana said struggling with the heavier man. She kicked the door open slightly and stumbled with him to the couch.

"We've got to get you cleaned up." she laughed. She was still feeling the euphoria from escaping Steele once and for all.

"Wait here, I'll get a towel from upstairs." she said smiling. She moved toward the banister and put her hand on the railing only to feel something slick. She brought her hand back and saw the dark red liquid on her hand. She felt something slowly twist in her heart, a dread and fear she had never felt before.

Diana watched her younger self from the safety of the doorway. She held her middle as though that could protect her from the truth. She watched the other version of herself check on Simms once more before hesitantly going upstairs.

She stepped forward to follow, but changed her mind, "No, Christian. I can't..."

[Christian Ward]

He didn't know what he was pushing her towards. If he knew, he might have been a bit more gentle, used a few less expletives. They had to move forward either way and Christian took Diana's hand in his.

"You were f*cking brilliant when you took down Steele. You'll be brilliant here, too. It's not real and you already know what's coming so there's no point in delaying it. I'm right here, Diana. I'm your bloody anchor, aren't I?"

[Diana Ward]

She shook her head no, tears falling freely at this point. "Please Christian...please..." she begged. He spoke the truth, they had to move forward, but Diana couldn't bear it.

Simms began to stir, the house was too quiet. He sat up, "Diana?" he asked though his voice was rough and clearly damaged by smoke. He noticed something then, something Diana had passed as she left to get a towel. A photograph sat on the coffee table. It was face down. Simms frowned and reached for it, when he saw the image all the blood left his face. He shook his head, his mind refusing to see the characters in the photo. His hands began shaking as he touched the image. Suddenly he sprang to his feet and moved for the stairs.

Diana's hand stretched outward as though she could stop her friend from confronting the horrific loss, but she had no bearing on the memory. Instead she retrieved the photograph and forced herself to look at it.

Emma and Jessie Simms were Dr. Bradley Simms' entire world. The twin girls were all he had left of his beautiful Elena who had died in childbirth. They celebrated the girls fourth birthdays just a few days before. It had been a beautiful chaotic moment of chocolate cake and strawberry ice cream. Thank God Diana had been there. Somehow she was able to wrangle all the children together for activities. She seemed to take really well to the girls, and the girls to her. They fell asleep in her arms, and she never tired of them. Sometimes she would have a far off look in her eyes when she saw them, there was a past that Diana never talked about, and he never pushed. He knew there was nothing romantic between her and himself, but they were both people who had suffered some sort of loss. Bradley would never fully get over the loss of his wife, but he could envision a future a little less lonely with the girls, and perhaps even Diana if that was what she wanted.

It was a future that would never come to pass.

"They were only four years old..." she whispered, her voice clogged with emotion, she handed the photo to Christian.

Steele didn't have Christian's hesitation when it came to children. He smiled in the photograph, the knife moving fluidly in his adept fingers. The twin girls were holding each other's hands. They were frightened, looking between the menacing stranger and outside the photograph at Christian, begging Christian to help them, to stop Steele.

A bloody thumbprint on the photo said that it was far too late for Christian to do anything.

[Christian Ward]

Children were innocent, both in war and life. He wasn't a family man, he never imagined having children of his own, but he could also never bring himself to harm a child either. Nor could he stand by as a child suffered needlessly.

It didn't matter that Christian didn't know the little girls in the picture or that this was only Diana's subconscious. He snarled at Steele's image before shoving the picture back into Diana's hands and rushing for the stairs after Simms and the young Diana.

[Diana Ward]

"Simms. Simms no!" Diana said trying to prevent her friend from seeing the carnage Steele had left behind. He easily pushed her aside with the strength of a determined father. His anguish cry echoed through the whole house.

Diana could hear the man's fierce yell and it startled her into action. She tentatively walked up the stairs and stood by the banister still incapable of speech.

[Christian Ward]

His hurry was pointless and his determination seemed futile. There was nothing Christian could do to stop what had already happened. He felt his stomach turn as the two small bodies came into view. Simms' reaction was heartbreaking. 

Christian couldn't fathom the level of despair he was witnessing. He was still new to the idea that he was a father and he had yet to meet either of his children. He didn't have the closeness Diana had in knowing of their existence for the length of the pregnancy or feeling their little bodies grow. It had only been little more than a week since he realized he had a daughter somewhere in the world. His son hadn't even been born. His lack of memories was stifling the connection he had once felt toward both his children and he currently looked at the situation as a responsibility more than a pleasure. But the emotions were growing and witnessing Simms' breakdown at the loss of his daughters made something inside Christian break as well.

He turned away from the room and realized Diana had made it up the stairs. Christian's skin was cool, his face paler than normal. He couldn't handle the scene behind him, Diana shouldn't have to either. 

"Don't look," he said as he closed the gap between them.

[Diana Ward]

She pressed her body against his in an effort to have his strength swallow her. Christian didn't have the connection to the little girls that Diana had. Christian didn't care for Simms the way that Diana had. But it didn't take a connection to feel sick at the sight of such innocence lost.

It wasn't over.

"It was your fault." Simms said emerging from the room. He was clearly speaking to the couple embracing and not Diana from the dream.

Diana pulled back to look at him, "Simms...I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You think you can apologize? And what? What am I supposed to do with that?" he asked harshly, "My children are dead!"

[Christian Ward]

Simms' words fell on deaf ears at first; with his back to the room, Christian assumed the distraught father was talking to the younger Diana. He attempted to block it out. But then Diana, his Diana - the real Diana answered and Christian looked down at her in confusion.

This wasn't part of her memory. This was the same phenomenon as when a six year old Diana shouted at them and ran out of her bedroom. Diana's subconscious was coming to life, telling her explicitly what she herself had thought and then buried.

"This isn't your fault, Diana. You stopped the bastard who did this; you killed Steele, not these children."

[Diana Ward]

"Is that right?" Simms asked Christian with a snarl, "Tell him Diana. Tell him the truth."

Diana's chest was aching with pressure, "Simms..."

"Tell him!"

"I-I..." she looked up at Christian then back at Simms, "I never should have come here. I led him to you. I led him to them..." she confessed, "I didn't mean to Simms please. I didn't mean to... I just..."

"You what?!"

"I didn't want to be alone anymore." she whispered.

"You got them killed. You led Steele to them. You knew he would come for you and you came to me."

Diana shook her head, she wasn't sure what the truth was anymore.

[Christian Ward]

When things became personal they got messy. It was Christian's professional motto and one that served him well for most of his career. Diana was his exception and it only proved his rule was well placed.

But Diana didn't have the luxury that Christian did. Diana couldn't separate personal from professional; it had all been personal. It all started because Christian wooed an ignorant, doe eyed girl into a week long love affair and nothing had been impersonal ever since.

"No," he responded as Diana shook her head. "He would have found them anyway. It was his job Diana, he could find anyone." Christian knew this to be true, because he himself could find almost anyone. If Christian wanted to hurt someone, there would be no way of stopping the manhunt that led to whatever person might bring the most pain. But unlike Steele, Christian wouldn't go after children and he didn't enjoy the job with the almost demonic sense of joy that the former hit wizard had shown.

[Diana Ward]

But Diana had let them become a liability in the first place, and that was why they had suffered.

"It's true you know." Simms said just a second before his image shifted into Steele, "I would have found you anywhere. It's what we do. Christian knows. Don't you mate?" he asked with a small confident smile.

"Just like he knows it will never end. You're better off love, just accept it." Steele made his way toward Diana. "You have the power to end things. Isn't that what I've always said. In the end they always beg for it, how long have you been begging Diana? I know you want it."

Diana shook her head no.

"Come on Love, you can't lie to me. I know you. I know you want it, you just don't want it from me." he said narrowing his eyes at Christian.