Hope Anchors the Soul

[Christian Ward]

"Unless you know how to steer this thing, I think we're stuck until I become your anchor or Burke pulls us out." Christian wasn't sure what good he was at the moment. They didn't know what needed to be done to make him the anchor and Diana's memories seemed to be a jumble of very f*cked up situations. Christian assumed there were several more of the same. How long could they work through all of the events that created such a broken woman?

[Diana Ward]

Diana stood with Christian at Simm's door, but she refused to open it, almost afraid of what was on the other side.

The dream shifted and they were in a very familiar hotel room. Familiar to Diana at any rate, to Christian it was probably just another room.

Suddenly two young wizards stumbled into the room.

"Well this is mortifying." Diana said crossing her arms over her chest.

[Christian Ward]

Suddenly they were in a hotel room and Christian was looking around as he did with each new memory. He wasn't surprised when he didn't recognize their new location, but when the door burst open and two young twenty-somethings fell into the room Christian's heart stopped.

He didn't recognize the girl straight away. She was tall and thin. She hadn't yet grown into her curves or figured out how to perfect an effortless sensuality. But the bloke that was with her was clearly a young Christian. Diana's subconscious had brought them to their week long affair just before Christian's father's health took a sudden decline. 

"You're mortified?" Christian asked indignantly. "Look at my hair! F*ck, how did I ever think that was attractive?" Sporting an era appropriate "bad boy" 'do, young Christian's hair was slicked up and back with grease, with a ducktail in the front that fell over his forehead. He wore a leather jacket and cuffed jeans. All that was missing was the motorcycle  (but that was parked outside).

With a renewed sense of understanding, Christian - the adult Christian, looked at the younger version of Diana again. They were clearly the same woman but hardly recognizable. The adult Diana had filled out superbly, no doubt an affect of having a child, and while she may not have believed she was beautiful, the Diana who he was currently bonded to knew how to use her looks to accomplish her goals. The young Diana tried, to her credit, but was a novice.

[Diana Ward]

While Christian was busy seeing his imperfections, Diana didn't really see hers. Sure she was thinner back then, she didn't have the curves she now carried. She obviously never picked up a fashion magazine in her life, and had a horrid haircut that at the time she had thought was 'chic'. Her eyes and mouth were too big for her face, and her chin was mannish almost, sixteen years later and she had definitely grown into her features. But Diana didn't see that much of a difference, it was her innocence that she was mortified by. The way she idolized Christian and followed him into the room, clearly drunk, but still clearly deeply in love with the boy she had allowed to talk her into getting a hotel room.

Young Diana giggled as young Christian whispered something undoubtedly naughty in her ear, and the real Diana wanted to gag.

"Well I clearly found it attractive back then as well." she said with mild disgust.

[Christian Ward]

The real Christian smirked at his younger self. He was something of a playboy and had continued to be so up until Diana re-entered his life. The swagger and pompousness he had held appeared so juvenile to him now. And yet the young Diana ate it up.

Christian looked over to Diana to comment on how disgustingly in love her younger self looked but as he saw her expression it was clear she was already quite aware. The young Christian was pawing at young Diana in a most ungraveful manner and the real Christian rolled his eyes and looked away.

"Well we know what the unresolved issues are here." His voice remained neutral as he spoke, not letting on how amused he was with the younger Diana or embarassed he was with his younger self. Christian had left Diana alone and, unknown to him, pregnant. He wasn't sure what words of encouragement he could give her. It was strange but he felt more comfortable talking her through the memories with the psychopathic Steele than with the younger Christian.

[Diana Ward]

The young Diana didn't know any better. And apparently the real Diana didn't know any better either. Christian had easily captured her heart once again. Sure the clothes were different, but Christian still carried that self assured swagger, and he still knew how to make her insides melt.

There was almost a wistfulness in Diana's eyes the longer she watched the pair, but it turned sour as young Diana shyly undressed in front of younger Christian.

She didn't need to watch the memory, it was still clear in her mind. Young Diana had been so in love, she was anxious and excited. The alcohol had loosened her up some, but it was clearly a much bigger event in young Diana's eyes, than in young Christian's.

Diana groaned. "These dreams need a fast forward option."

[Christian Ward]

The young couple carried on and Christian began to grow uncomfortable. Young Diana was clearly drunk, listing to one side as she fumbled with the clasp on her skirt. Young Christian, the asshat, reclined on the bed watching her with a smirk and when her clothes had dropped to the ground he told her to bend over for him. The look on the girl's face was that of excitement.

The real Christian sneered. "Agreed," he commented without looking at Diana.

[Diana Ward]

Diana reddened at how eagerly her young self obeyed Christian's commands. He was clearly well practiced in this area and she was clearly not. She may have gotten points for enthusiasm. She remembered it had been of utmost importance that she please him in bed. But the skilled f*ck Christian was now familiar with wasn't present in the young girl.

Diana blushed further as the couple fumbled around, rather as her younger self fumbled to obey Christian's commands hoping that what she was doing would make him happy. She winced recalling the hurried 'first time'.

[Christian Ward]

"Can't we just get on with it?" Christian said to no one in particular as he looked toward the heavens to avoid the awkward scene playing out before him. It was evident that his younger self was taking advantage of an innocent girl's naiveté and inebriated state.

Not wanting to witness anymore, Christian groaned just as the young brunette let out a pleasurable moan. The eagerness with which she moved reminded the real Christian that Diana had only ever been with him and this would have been her first time. Drunk and with a boy who hardly remembered her from their five years of school together, a boy who wouldn't think twice about using her adoration to get his needs met, this was wlhow Diana lost her virginity. Christian turned toward the hotel room door and attempted to leave.

[Diana Ward]

She didn't understand why they were there. What reason Derek, or whoever was controlling her subconscious, would make them live through their past encounter. It was mortifying sure, but there wasn't any deep dark secrets or unresolved issues stemming from the act so what was the point?

Diana watched as Christian moved for the exit, but the young pair drew her eyes again as they finished their intimacy, although intimacy was too sweet a word. Young Diana looked as though she were about to swoon from happiness while young Christian, having his baser needs met, looked on the verge of passing out.

Diana almost laughed as young Christian indeed began to snore lightly and young Diana sat there looking unsure of what she was supposed to do.

"Well at least your stamina has improved."

[Christian Ward]

"Everything's improved," Christian remarked. Not only could he go longer and stronger, but he also had acquired a sense of reciprocity. Sex was not only about getting his needs met and sharing the pleasure actually heightened the experience.

He was having no luck escaping Diana's memory and he turned back to her with a defeated look. "It's not going to go away until you resolve whatever it is that's the issue, and clearly that's me." He sighed and shook his head slighlty. "You were drunk and I took advantage of you."

[Diana Ward]

Diana had to agree that everything had improved where Christian was concerned, but she was surprised by his confession.

"Is that what you think?" she asked looking at the situation. She frowned, "I'm pretty sure I would have followed you up to the hotel room alcohol or not. I was so stupidly in love with you back then."

But the problem was she was still so stupidly in love with him. She would follow him to hell and back.

"Look at the way I'm looking at you." Diana said obviously disgusted with herself. "Right now I'm planning our future. How you'll propose. How happy we'll be." she laughed, "Even if your father wasn't sick, I gave you plenty of reasons to run away."

[Christian Ward]

Christian did as Diana requested and he looked over at her memory once more. The young Christian was sleeping, a stupid grin on his face saying he was satisfied. Diana's younger self was lying on her side, brushing hair from out of young Christian's face with a dreamy look in her eye. She was indeed smitten, with or without the alcohol.

Christian cringed. He recognized the look on young Diana's face, he had seen it recently. When he stole Diana away on a boat at sea, before revealing his true intentions and cursing her and his child, Diana had given him that same look.

"F*ck," he said to himself. The level to which he assholish behavior had reached was innumerable.

He looked back at the grown Diana, unconvinced that he didn't thoroughly earn the title of Douchebag in that one moment, let alone the several days that followed just the same.

[Diana Ward]

"Yeah I know. I hit stage five clinger." she said with a sigh and a healthy or rather unhealthy dose of shame in her voice. She mistook Christian's expletive for disgust at young lovesick Diana, as that was how she felt about herself.

The dream began to shift and fade and Diana released a breath she didn't know she had been holding, "Thank God."

Only to groan a moment later, they were still in the hotel it was the morning after Christian had left.

"F*ck." Diana cursed. She did not want to experience this all over again with Christian standing next to her.

[Christian Ward]

Christian groaned as well, seeing that they were still in the same hotel room as before. Were they going to have to watch the entire hellish week? Christian couldn't stomach seeing himself take advantage of a niave Diana, especially not after seeing the other hells she'd been through in her life.

He gave a sigh of relief when he realized his younger self was not present, then loudly shouted curses as he realized what he was about to witness.

"Mother f*cker, you have got to be kidding me!" He was more angry with himself at this point but it was Diana's subconscious and he put a portion of the blame wrongfully on her shoulders.

[Diana Ward]

"I can't help it!" she cried back at him angrily, "Don't you think I would do something if I could?!" she huffed. She was frustrated, angry, and most of all embarrassed.

"I don't even know why we're here. What the hell is this supposed to accomplish?" she asked her hand outstretched the 'this' being young Diana waking to an empty bed.

"Christian?" she asked after her hand fell to the empty space next to her. She was still sleepy, but his absence caused her to wake.

She sighed and leaned back in bed content. They had spent a week together, and the unknown had become known. Christian had introduced things to her body that she was completely unaware of and for that she would love him forever. She planned on loving him forever. She wondered where he went.

"Christian, are you making breakfast? Can you make eggs again?" she called out from the bedroom. When he didn't answer she stretched and wrapped the sheet around herself - a modest trait that real Diana didn't have anymore - then went to the door.

"Christian?"

She frowned when she didn't see him in the kitchen or the bathroom.

She went to the phone and dialed for the hotel front desk, "Hello, did Mr. Wright leave any messages? No. Oh, but you saw him. Alright, Thank you."

Diana smiled at the fake names they had given the front desk, after all it would have been unseemly to stay in a hotel with a man for a week that wasn't your husband. According to the front desk there were no messages, but Christian had been spotted leaving in a hurry.

She frowned, perhaps there was an emergency, but he'd come back. He wouldn't just leave in the middle of the night.

Suddenly she had a great idea. They had ordered room service for most of the days they had spent there, but Christian had cooked for her once or twice. She would reciprocate the favor and have a hot meal for him when he returned. She moved toward the kitchen.

"Oh no...Oh God no." Diana said even more mortified. Young Diana had even worse skills in the kitchen as the real Diana had. It was an endearing mess, but a tragic one all the same. She tried, she really did try. She cut her finger cutting vegetables, apparently she was only good with a knife when it came to killing someone. It happened then. She cried. She was an utter failure as a cook and the kitchen was a mess.

[Christian Ward]

"It's your ruddy mind!" he hollered back at her, a flimsy excuse for the pathetic sight they were watching. Christian's head fell forward as Diana called the front desk. He had forgotten their childish false names; Mr and Mrs Wright. Mr Terribly Wrong would have been more appropriate.

"Bloody hell," he exclaimed as the younger Diana moved to the kitchen. Her ignorance to the situation made her ambition even more unbearable. Christian ran his hands through his hair and turned his back on both versions of Diana. He couldn't watch this.

And then she cried. She f*cking cried just as she had when he compelled her to make him breakfast little more than a week ago. She had tried so hard and what had he done?

"F*ck!" he shouted loudly as he turned to the real Diana. "I didn't f*cking know! I was an assh*le and an idiot and a bloody little prick. I didn't f*cking know. Mother f*cker!"

[Diana Ward]

Diana watched in horror as the younger version of herself cried, then seemingly pulled herself together. She cleaned the mess using magic and kept glancing at the clock.

"I told you, you were going to see a lot of pitiful moments in my past. I'm over it. I don't need your pity. Let's just get through this."

Diana wasn't certain when Christian would return, but she wanted the room to look nice when he did. As the hour grew later she was more relieved as she had been able to clean everything. She then ordered room service and set the table with classic candle light.

Time thankfully moved quicker in Diana's subconscious than it did for Diana years ago, but it was clear that young Diana had waited all evening for him.

Diana was mortified, too ashamed of her younger self to even dare glance in Christian's direction.

[Christian Ward]

Christian was far from pitying Diana; either version of her. He was furious with himself. At the time he was young, he could easily ignore Diana's feelings because they didn't suit his lifestyle and he thought very little of anyone but himself. Even as an adult, Christian kept Diana locked up because it served his own needs. The fact that her children were his had opened the door for him to care even a little bit and the time they spent together had been progressively less painful. The more recent days as he kept her would-be killer at bay simply by his presence, paired with their entangled bodies bringing them closer as they slept was enough to light a spark.

Seeing Diana's worst moments, the urge to help her cope with these traumas, it was all offset by young Christian's careless disregard for Diana's feelings and well being. It didn't matter that he didn't know any better. It didn't matter that he had always been a playboy for as long as Diana had known him. He was a ruthless cad and payed with fire when he played with her heart.

"You're not f*cking over it, Diana," he yelled over the scene that was playing out as miserably as it possibly could have. "We wouldn't be here if you were. Stop f*cking pretending it doesn't hurt, that I didn't hurt you!"

[Diana Ward]

"Alright! Fine!" she yelled back at him. She squared off to face him taking the anger and frustration she had for her pitiful self and turning it on Christian. "You hurt me! So what? I was a foolish girl! You were a foolish boy! I refuse to believe that I am so hung up on this moment that we can't move past it!"

The dream changed swiftly then, pulling them back to Simm's flat and the door. Diana sucked in a breath, there was such a strong refusal to move, and the dream spun and changed once more. Images seemed to fly in playing like a movie in front of the pair. Diana's conviction that she was over Christian's abandonment pushed other scenes to come into focus.

"You're what?!" Marcus Crawford bellowed at his only child. He stared at her and then her stomach with scorn. "How?" he sputtered, then obviously not wanting to know the details he continued, "Who?!"

Diana's lip trembled, she tried so hard to please her father. She hated to disappoint him, but she was incredibly happy about the child, if not terrified.

"That damned scoundrel on the motorcycle?! Him?! Is it his?!" Marcus raged. He tried to calm himself and a solution came to him, "You'll get rid of it." he said in a calm voice.

"No." she replied in an even more even tone.

"What?" he asked absolutely stunned that his daughter would disobey him.

"I will do no such thing." she answered.

The anger was swift and overwhelming as Marcus brought his hand down on his daughter. He had never done such a thing before, and was shocked he had done so.

"Get out of my sight." he hissed

Diana clenched her jaw, "This is so f*cking pointless!" she yelled in the air, "C'mon! What is it we're supposed to do?!" she yelled growing frustrated. The next scene pushed in even quicker.

Sister Mary spoke behind her hand to Sister Agnes both looking at Diana with scorn.

"It doesn't matter." Diana said cooing to her round stomach, "I love you, we're going to get out of here. We're going to find your father. Everything will be okay." she said with hope in her voice.

The sisters continued to talk and almost snarl at Diana as they walked the pregnant woman back to her 'room'.

She sat in the cold dark room, wandless, friendless, as the subject of scorn and disgust comparable to Nathan Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter. She tried again not to cry.

Diana felt the walls closing in on her she turned toward Christian, but she didn't let him talk, "It sucked okay?!" she said with no patience, "The convent was hell, my father's a bastard. So f*cking what?" she hissed. She was fed up with this spirit ritual, but as the room spun again and they stood in front of Simm's door Diana let out a sharp hiss and backed away into another scene.

"Oh..." she said as she recognized the scene, her heart grew heavy as a very pregnant Diana looked down at the scrap of paper in her hand which theoretically held Christian's new address.