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Post by Troy Wexler on Jun 21, 2013 0:47:24 GMT -5
The trouble with having a mental illness--and Troy was self-aware enough to admit that he did have a mental illness--was that the people around him who were healthy and sane couldn't understand the way his mind worked. When he was sick, he couldn't trust anyone with anything. He was, in fact, almost blind to other people. It was like he was watching himself from above, and he could see what he was doing, but was powerless to stop it. He existed in a tunnel, and even the slightest bit of sunlight burned and blinded him, so he reacted by pushing everyone out of the way.
None of it made any sense, even Troy. He could look back at what he'd done, now that he was better, and see the mistakes he had made. But you couldn't go back.... all you could do was own the mistakes you'd made and find a way to move on. Eddie was his biggest regret, and he needed to find a way to clear the air with him. Otherwise it was always going to weigh him down.
"I'm surprised you thought about me at all, after the way things ended... It would have served me right if you just walked away and never looked back. I just... I wish I could explain to you the horrible things that were going through my head. It wasn't me, Eddie... not really. It was the worst part of me. You do understand that, right?"
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Post by Eddie Shriver on Jul 1, 2013 0:21:29 GMT -5
Eddie was feeling less and less confident as this conversation went on. He wondered if Troy had rehearsed this, in the hopes that he ever ran into Eddie again. London was a big city, but it was amazing how small it could really seem, and Troy had to have known, even if he avoided Gilligan's, he was bound to run into his ex at some point.
The truth was that this hurt. He hated being in this situation and he hated that he didn't know what to say to Troy. If this was a plea for forgiveness, it was both unnecessary and cruel. Eddie forgave Troy a long time ago, and having this conversation now was only tearing apart wounds that were apparently barely healed. He was convinced that he was fine and over Troy. He was even starting to date again, though only just. So of course Troy chose now to walk back into his life and mess that up by being... who he was. And Eddie didn't mean that in a bad way. Troy was his once upon a time lover, and held a place in his heart forever. But why did this have to happen when he was finally starting to move on?
It didn't seem to matter that Troy wasn't asking for him back. Even the apology that wasn't needed was making it hard to breathe or think straight.
He took a deep breath, tempted to just agree and say he understood and make things easy... but he couldn't do it. "You keep saying how sorry you are... that it wasn't you, that you didn't mean to say the things you did. But you understand that an apology doesn't erase all of that, right? I'm not pinning blame here... I said some things I wish I hadn't. I left before I feel like I should have... if I'd just stuck it out a little longer... This, right now? It doesn't change what happened then."
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Post by Troy Wexler on Jul 2, 2013 22:32:07 GMT -5
Troy sighed and stared into his tea, wishing that he knew the right words to say to fix things and to heal the hurt that both of them were feeling. He knew he'd put Eddie through the wringer and he even knew that he was doing it all over again right now. But he didn't know how to fix it. He wished he could go back, say things differently, do things differently... but he couldn't do that. There was no going back in life.
"I know that," he said. "I know I hurt you and I can't change that. I just... I don't know. I guess it was selfish of me, but I needed to say it. I just... Godric, you are the biggest regret of my life. Letting you go, treating you the way I did... I was sick and I want to say it wasn't my fault, but that doesn't make it easier. Someone has to take the blame and I just want you to know... it wasn't you."
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Post by Eddie Shriver on Jul 29, 2013 0:09:16 GMT -5
If someone had to take the blame, and Troy was claiming it wasn't his fault, but not blaming Eddie, either, whose fault was it? He shook his head. "No one needs to take blame, Troy. It just didn't work out. It happens." But what if he had stuck around longer? What if he kept giving in to Troy's manic moments, instead of eventually fighting back like he'd started to do, right before they ended it? What if, in a hundred, Eddie had just been more and better for Troy?
He took a deep, shaky breath. He needed out of this situation. It was starting to get overwhelming, and if Troy pushed him more, he was going to give and just let Troy say what he wanted, agreeing with all of it. That's what Eddie tended to do- he avoided heat when he couldn't take it. He retreated. He became incredibly submissive.
"So... what is this, Troy? Your absolution? I'm receptive, believe me, I am, and I'm not trying to make this harder on you, because this is... it's great. It's incredibly brave and I'm proud of you for being able to do this. But I can't figure out what you want from me."
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Post by Troy Wexler on Aug 30, 2013 23:02:03 GMT -5
The trouble was, Troy didn't know what he wanted from this conversation, either. It was all so confusing and complicated, and the emotions between them were so overwhelming, even now after all this time. He wanted to ask Eddie to take him back, he wanted to tell him that he loved him and that he was going to be better this time... but he couldn't promise any of it.
Troy set down his cup and ran a hand over his face. It might have seemed like this was easy for him, but it wasn't. It was never easy to face up to his mistakes, but he needed to do it if he was going to really heal. But deep down, he knew that this was hurting Eddie just as much as it was helping him.
"I don't want anything from you. Well, I do... but I have no right to ask it. I needed to say it, but I know... I know it doesn't help and it doesn't change anything. I wish I could go back and change what happened... that I could fix myself. But it doesn't work like that and I know that. They say you're supposed to make amends to the people that you hurt... but how can I possibly make this right? I pushed you away and I hurt you, and there's no way to make it up to you. But for what it's worth... I'm sorry."
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