Blast from the Past (Eddie, openish)

[Troy Wexler]

Troy knew that he really had no right to even ask Eddie to stay, and he wasn't even sure what he intended to say. He'd put Eddie through a lot, more than he deserved, and it wouldn't be fair to put him through anything more. Yes, he wanted Eddie back.... but he knew it probably wouldn't have been good for either of them at this point. Troy still needed to learn to care for himself before he could give Eddie what he deserved. Their relationship, he had learned, had been a bit too one-sided... he had needed Eddie, but had never been able to give enough of himself to be there for Eddie. Even at his best, Troy wasn't sure that this time would be any different.

But there were still things he wanted to say... He wasn't sure he could say them, but he wanted to try. Eddie deserved at least that much.

"I know I was..." he sighed. "Whatever I said then, I wasn't really in my right mind. I'm not making excuses, I just... There are things I didn't say, that I should have said."

He smiled sadly when Eddie said he would stay. Even through all the hurt they'd been through, Eddie was still willing to listen. He still cared. Maybe he shouldn't, but he did. "All right, good," he said. "Do you need a refill on your drink?"

[Eddie Shriver]

It wasn't that Eddie thought Troy would say anything more to hurt him. In fact, he knew this wouldn't happen, and that was his reservation with staying to hear his ex out. He wasn't sure he was ready for the nice things, the apologies, the you deserved betters. Troy had been a huge part of his life, and it was oddly terrifying to be staring that down again.

He was staring at his glass when Troy asked if he needed a refill, and he let out a mirthless chuckle. "Yes... yes, I do." And he was probably going to need another before Troy was off.

[Troy Wexler]

Troy flashed him a wry smile at his response. Unlike Troy, Eddie could drink casually. He could even drink for courage, and he could drink too much sometimes. But he handled it better than Troy ever did. Troy would get started drinking and then wouldn't know how to stop. But Eddie... he was a grown-up, and could handle his liquor. It was one of the things Troy had always admired about him.

He couldn't blame Eddie for needing another drink... Troy rather wanted one himself right now. But as part of his treatment, he had to avoid drinking... and Ambrosia had a no-drinking on the job policy, which was why this was the best place for him to work right now. It was an extra reinforcement to keep him from slipping up.

Troy went over to pour another drink for Eddie. As he finished, he looked up at Eddie, meeting his eyes for a long moment. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but wisely stopped himself. "I'll be back," he said instead, then went over to the other end of the bar to check on one of his other customers.

[Eddie Shriver]

While Eddie did mumble a thank you for the second glass, he refrained from telling Troy to take his time. He would probably, correctly, interpret that in a less than flattering way.

It wasn't that Eddie wanted to be mean or harsh to Troy. He never wanted to be mean to the bloke. However, his head was spinning. This was a very unexpected run in, and he didn't know whether or not he should be regretting the fact he walked into Ambrosia tonight. It really had been quite a long time since he'd seen Troy, and the truth was, it would have been just as weird of a feeling for him if Troy was a mess, rather than clean. On the one hand, it would have meant he was just as much of a screw up as she always was. On the other hand, it meant that being clean wasn't enough reason to call him.

Eddie tried not to rationalize it like this. He knew Troy has issues that he couldn't handle on his own. Eddie always told him that there was no shame in asking for help, and none of this, not any of it had anything at all to do with Eddie. It was still remarkably hard not to take this personally.

He was going to need Yvonne after this, he could just tell.

[Troy Wexler]

Part of it was just because he was needy. Troy had always called on the few friends he hadn't completely alienated whenever he was falling apart. That was when he was most vulnerable, when he needed people the most. When he was doing well, however, he somehow found himself surrounded with people without ever really planning it that way. It wasn't that he was too busy to call Eddie... really, it just came down to the belief that Eddie wouldn't have taken his calls. Things had ended badly, and it had taken a long time for Troy to pull himself together to this point. It would have served him right if Eddie didn't want to see him.

But here Eddie had just managed to find him by sheer accident. And since he hadn't walked back out again, Troy had decided to take his chances. Maybe he hadn't ruined things as badly as he thought.

He gave Eddie an uncertain smile, silently pleading with his ex not to walk out while his back was turned, then he went over to the other end of the bar to check on his other customers.

The truth was, Troy was just as shaken up by this as Eddie was. Guys like Eddie didn't come along every day, after all... and Troy had been stupid enough to let his issues get between them. He wanted things to be different... but he wasn't sure they would ever really be different enough.

The rest of the evening passed a little more quickly than Tory had expected. In truth, it was really all a blur. He barely saw his customer's faces, and spent most of the night on auto-pilot, his brain still back with Eddie and all the things he wanted to say to him. He checked on Eddie once or twice through out the rest of his shift, half expecting him to be gone each time. But he stayed, and soon Troy was ready to clock out.

He stuck his tips in his pocket and took off his apron, balling it up in one hand before he walked over to Eddie again. "OK, I'll be back in a second," he said. "That is, if you're still OK with this?"

[Eddie Shriver]

The night, for Eddie, dragged on painfully slow, in sharp contrast to how it was moving for Troy. Each minute that passed, he asked himself why he was still sitting here. He told himself a million times, and Yvonne a million more, that if some miracle happened, and Troy walked back into his life, that nothing he could say would mean a damned thing.

Except that a miracle had happened, Troy had reappeared in his life, and he wanted to talk. And because it was Troy, Eddie was powerless to say no. His own helplessness right now spooked him a bit, but he wasn't going to let the other man see that.

When Troy checked again that this was good, Eddie laughed. It was one short, nervous chuckle, but it still probably seemed a little condescending, even if it wasn't intended that way. "You're trying awfully hard to give me every possible out that you can. Go finish whatever you need to, before I'm convinced I should take one of these outs."

It might have meant Troy was nervous too, and while Eddie suspected that he was, it was still hard for him to believe on many levels. He grabbed his cloak off the back of his seat. "I'll meet you out front."

[Troy Wexler]

Troy smiled back, just barely managing to stop himself from telling Eddie that he probably should take an out. He didn't want Eddie to leave. Yet he felt strangely conflicted about asking him to stay.

He had a lot he wanted to say to Eddie, but he couldn't help but wonder if he should. He didn't want any of it to sound like excuses or attempts to make Eddie feel sorry for him. He didn't want pity, especially not from Eddie. But he hoped that maybe he could somehow make it up to Eddie for what he'd put him through. He knew perfectly well that he was not always an easy guy to know, and sometimes even harder to love. And whether Eddie still did or not... well, Troy didn't even think he wanted to know. He was going to try and be strong and not ask for Eddie to take him back, although he certainly wanted to. But he wasn't ready for another relationship right now, and it wasn't fair to put Eddie through all that again. He wasn't good for Eddie, and he knew it. But that didn't mean it wasn't going to take every bit of willpower he had to stop him from asking.

"All right," he said, nodding. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

Troy hadn't been working at Ambrosia very long, and he mostly kept to himself. That wasn't typical for him, of course. He was used to being the guy in the middle of it all; the crazy one, the life of the party. But Ambrosia was a little different from his usual jobs, and he wanted to keep a low profile. If he didn't act crazy, then maybe he wouldn't be crazy. They had a fairly strict "no drinking on the job" policy at Ambrosia, and that helped him, too. He couldn't drink at all right now. He was even supposed to avoid coffee.... although he sometimes broke that rule.

He ducked into the back and hung up his apron, then clocked out by touching his wand to the time clock. Saying a quick goodbye and a thank you to Aurelia for allowing him to join her for the duet, Troy grabbed his leather jacket and headed out to meet Eddie, silently praying to himself that he'd still be waiting.

[Eddie Shriver]

Bad idea. This was a bad idea.

He could feel it in his gut. Troy had meant the world to Eddie... and if he stopped to think about it, he still did, to an extent. So Eddie's little world had been shattered when he figured out that he couldn't fix Troy. Breaking up had been his idea too... when he put his foot down one day after decided he'd had enough and he couldn't take it any more. He blamed a lot of Troy's problems on himself- if he'd been stronger, more mature, better able to help Troy... Even looking back on it from a more mature stand point and knowing it wasn't his fault, he still couldn't help but feel like it was.

Which left him wondering what the purpose of this was. Two things came to mind rather quickly, and truthfully, he wished it wasn't either idea he had. First was that Troy was going to try to ask for him back. Part of Eddie would jump at it and say yes with resounding relief and enthusiasm. But there was his budding relationship with Nigel to consider, and also how long it would be before Troy had another meltdown. He really couldn't do that any more, and he needed to have the self respect to be able to say that to Troy.

Or, option two, was that he was going to apologize and give all kinds of reasons for what had happened. Eddie wasn't even upset anymore- he didn't need any apologies and he sure as Salazar didn't want any excuses.

This left him thinking again that this was a really, really bad idea.

Troy came walking about mere seconds before Eddie would have convinced himself to walk away. "Hey," he said, catching the other man's attention. "Where are we going?"

[Troy Wexler]

Troy released an audible sigh of relief when he saw that Eddie was still there. Strangely, however, he almost felt like he would have been more relieved if Eddie had decided to bugger off before he came out. He had every right to walk out on him... it almost defied logic that he was still here. But then, where was the logic in love?

"Joe's," he said instantly. The coffee shop would be safer than a bar, where the lighting and proximity to alcohol might lead either of them to do something they'd regret. The coffee shop was more brightly lit, and coffee was safer than alcohol. It was also fairly private, especially at this time of night, when there wasn't likely to be a lot of people there.

He didn't move for a minute, as nervousness seemed to grab him by the throat. Now that they weren't separated by a bar counter, it struck him just how big this really was. Eddie had been a big part of his life. He might even have been the love of his life. Music was the only other thing that came close. He'd nearly ruined both of those things for himself, but his music was back on track. And now Eddie was here.

The thing was, he didn't want Eddie to just be another crutch to lean on. He deserved more than that. But Troy didn't trust himself. Their relationship had been somewhat one-sided. He had never really been there for Eddie on the same level that Eddie was there for him. And Troy was smart enough to know that a real relationship should be a partnership.... he just didn't know if he was capable of really being a full partner. He was just too needy.

He sighed and looked away. "Thanks for waiting for me."

Merlin, this was awkward. He didn't know what else to say; at least, not until they were safely seated in Joe's and they were separated by a table again.

[Eddie Shriver]

Eddie's eyes were on Troy when he paused, neither of them moving for a moment.

Troy was nervous, and Eddie did not have it in him to think that this was a good thing, that maybe Troy deserved to be nervous. He took a deep breath, masking it as a sigh when he released it. He never went to a shrink after the break up, though his life was in near shambles for weeks. Yvonne and the public library were all the help he would admit he needed, but one thing he'd learned in the books he read was that he needed to stay in control. Not of the situation, just of himself and his reactions. He couldn't control what Troy did, but he could control how it made him feel. So he stood there, trying to remain calm and collected, and doing a pretty good job of it. He waited for Troy to break the pause.

When he did, Eddie just replied with a simple, "What else was I going to do, Troy? You know me better than that." Or weren't you paying attention? He kept the hurtful part of the comment to himself, because he did not want to hurt Troy.

He walked with the man, fine with the silence between them, even if it let his mind race, until they reached Joe's, and he took a step forward, opening the door and nodding Troy through.

[Troy Wexler]

If Troy had any idea just how badly the breakup had hurt Eddie, he might have just let this drop. Even now he wondered if maybe it would be better if the two of them just made a clean break. He could leave town... let Eddie have London, and he could take the rest of the country. And they'd never have to see each other and open each other to that kind of pain again.

But the connection between them, even now, was undeniable. Troy didn't think he wanted to live in a world where Eddie wasn't somehow part of his life. And if he could at least give Eddie some small amount of... peace, or closure, or something... then maybe it wasn't all in vain.

Troy walked into the coffee shop, then held the door open so Eddie could walk in. The place was nearly dead, with only one other couple in the far corner, talking in hushed tones. So Troy went up to the counter and ordered himself a green tea and a scone. Then he nodded to Eddie for his order. "It's on me."

[Eddie Shriver]

Troy was a little slower to the counter, hands in his pockets because that was a safe place for them. He wasn't concerned about behaving himself around Troy, he just didn't know what to do with himself at the moment. He even let his attention wander until Troy nodded him to the register.

He hesitated. He wasn't going to insist on paying, but some irrational part of him didn't want to let Troy be nice to him, either.

"Thanks, but..." he turned to the girl behind the counter. "Just a cup of water, please." He probably should have had water anyway after the four drinks at Ambrosia, which probably also were not a wise idea, in hindsight.

When they both had drinks in hand, Troy nodded towards a table by the window. "Over there okay?"

[Troy Wexler]

It hurt a little bit that Eddie wouldn't even let Troy buy him a drink. How many things had Eddie done for him in the past? How many times had Troy forgotten to even thank him? Troy rarely had any money, and it was usually Eddie who ended up paying for him. Just this once, Troy wanted to try and give something back, even if it was just a cup of coffee.

He just sighed, then paid for his order. When Eddie indicated a table, Troy glanced over at it and nodded. "Yeah, that's fine."

Once they were both settled at the table, Troy reached into his pocket and pulled out a small vial. "Hold on a sec... I need to take my meds, and I have to take these with food."

He took a few quick bites of his scone, then swallowed the contents of the vial--a potion that was supposed to help keep his moods stabilized. So far they appeared to be working.

When this business was done, Troy looked up at Eddie and sighed. "Eddie... I don't even know where to start. I have so much I want to say to you..."

[Eddie Shriver]

Eddie, however, didn't want to let Troy do anything for him. It was probably a messed up psychological thing, but Eddie was doing fine on his own, and as he was pretty unsure what Troy had up his sleeve, he needed the other guy to know this. He wasn't looking for anything like that. Besides, he could have been more cruel about it and insisted on paying for his own. At least this way, he could say he just wanted water, which happened to be free.

When they sat at the table, he kept his cup in one hand, the other under the table, and he watched Troy take his potion. He wondered how long he'd been on the medication. Judging by how put together Troy looked, Eddie was guessing for a while now.

His posture didn't change at all when Troy addressed him, and he tore his attention away from the vial.

"Listen... I'm not sure what it is you even want to say, but I'm not looking for apologies. Really, I'm not. So start with something that isn't I'm sorry, maybe?"

[Troy Wexler]

Troy released a breath, not having realized he'd been holding it. He was nervous now that it was just the two of them, with no other distractions. Just that look from Eddie was enough to make him want to cry.

Things hadn't always been bad between them, but sadly, the good was vastly overshadowed by the bad ending. But right now, he could feel the full weight of all of it--the good and the bad--hanging between them. There had been a time when they were happy, but it somehow seemed hazy and dream-like. But the bad part was more like a nightmare. He hadn't been well then, and he barely remembered how he got through each day. The only day he remembered clearly was when Eddie walked out... and the hellish week that followed. At the time, in his sick, selfish state, he could only see it as abandonment, but he could see things more clearly now. He knew Eddie had probably been hurting just as much as he was, if not more. And he didn't want to dump more on him... But he wanted Eddie to know, too.

He frowned at Eddie's words and looked down at the table for a moment. "Well, I guess this'll be shorter than expected, because that was about half of what I was going to say," he admitted, looking up again and briefly meeting Eddie's eyes.

"OK. Well, look... To start with, the things I said that day, when you left. You have to know I didn't mean them. I don't want to make excuses for my behavior.... but you know none of it was your fault, right? I just... I don't want you to blame yourself for my breakdown."

[Eddie Shriver]

Eddie offered Troy a sad little smile. "I thought it might be. Troy..." He paused, licking his lips. Maybe all Troy needed to hear was that Eddie didn't hate him for what happened. It was entirely possible that this encounter was more about closure for Troy than it was for Eddie. "I forgave you a long time ago."

He stayed still, remaining where he was in his seat as Troy continued, less and less sure with each moment that he wanted to hear this at all. Unless this was because Troy never forgave him for leaving. He hadn't considered that until just now.

He let out a slow breath, then sipped on his water for the sake of having something to do. Something still sparked in the air between them, and it scared Eddie.

"I don't, anymore. It took a while, but I finally learned that nothing I could have done would have helped you. And I guess I'm sorry about that."

[Troy Wexler]

(The song that just came on the iPod: "This Is Me You're Talking To," by Trisha Yearwood.")

"You shouldn't have forgiven me so quickly," Troy said sadly. "It took me a long time to learn how to forgive myself for it. I'm not sure I really have yet, even now."

Troy really was his own worst enemy. He beat himself up more than anyone else ever could. He obsessed over his mistakes, his failings, and pretty much every negative aspect of his life to the point where he often couldn't see anything good about himself. Eddie should have hated him, because he hated himself.

"It's true.... you couldn't have helped me. I was the Titanic, and you needed to jump ship before I dragged you down with me."

He tried to smile at the analogy, but found that he couldn't. He still felt like it was true, and that sooner or later, he'd crash again and start to sink. Maybe next time he'd finally drown under the weight of his own self-loathing. It was hard to imagine getting any lower than he had after Eddie left... but he always seemed to find new depths.

"I tried to kill myself, Eddie. And it wasn't because you left... I probably would have tried even if you hadn't left. Harper found me and brought me to the hospital. Honestly, I'm glad you weren't there to see it. I begged her not to tell you..."

[Eddie Shriver]

Eddie felt like he'd been stabbed in the heart at that revelation from Troy, and he couldn't stop the look that crossed his face. Merlin... whatever Troy was saying about how he probably still would have tried if Eddie'd been there, he couldn't believe it.

Because if he'd been there, Troy wouldn't have been upset from the break up. He wouldn't have been alone (though, admittedly, Eddie would have been at his loneliest), and maybe Eddie could have made him happy.

No. He took a breath and told himself to stop thinking like that. He couldn't have done anything to help Troy. "I don't intend to sound... callous, Troy, and I can't even tell you what hearing that does to me. But why are you telling me this?"

[Troy Wexler]

Troy sighed again, wishing he could take it back. Not just the revelation, but all of it... the whole night the breakup... everything. He couldn't, though, and it was already out there.

He didn't really know why he wanted to tell Eddie this. He didn't want Eddie to feel sorry for him, or guilty for leaving him. But it was important to him... it was the lowest point in his life, and Eddie had been the most important person in his life. It just seemed like Eddie should know about it.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to dump this on you. I swear, I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty or anything. I don't mean to hurt you, and I'm not testing to see if you still care about me. Maybe I would have done those things back then... But I'm really doing better now. I spent three months in the psych ward and I'm trying to put my life back together again. I just..."

He sighed again and took a long, steadying drink from his tea. "I love you, Eddie. I know I didn't say that enough when we were together. You meant everything to me... but when I fall apart, I trash everything that matters, including you. You couldn't have saved me... I needed to save myself. I'm still working on it... and that's why I haven't called you. I want... I want to be good enough for you. I just don't think I ever can be."

[Eddie Shriver]

This was killing Eddie. Where was this conversation months ago, when he really wanted and really needed to hear it? Troy was never very good at timing, after all.

He stared at his hands for a moment, letting this all sink in while he tried to formulate a response. Really though, how was he supposed to respond to this? Apologize for not being there to stop the suicide attempt, or even try? Did he admit that it hurt that Troy couldn't even trust him with those feelings and that information until now? Eddie didn't even entirely believe he had been so important to the man sitting across from him, because when someone meant that much to you, you trusted yourself with them and to them. Much like Eddie trusted his emotions to Troy.

Instead of focusing on three particular words from all of this, Eddie looked up, meeting Troy's gaze. He focused on the only think he could that would keep his resolve in tact. "You look really good. I mean, you look like you're doing better, and I'm really glad you're working on this. I've been worried."