Hindsight Is 20/20 (Alana)

[Rutger Kilborn]

By the time Rutger, Alana, and the Leviner brothers had finished examining the scene of Kryhsna's latest attack, it was nearly 4 am. To Rutger, of course, this made no difference. He wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, even though he was so tired that he felt like he might just drop at any second. But even if he didn't suffer from chronic insomnia, he wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight. He couldn't stop reliving that moment in his mind.

Kryshna's eyes had clearly been focused on Alana. He knew he hadn't imagined that. She focused on Alana, because.... why? Because she was a woman? Did she assume that there was a connection between Rutger and Alana? Did she expect him to protect Alana, and that was why she made him think she was going to attack her?

More important that Kryshna's motivations, however, was Rutger's reaction. Why had he felt the need to protect Alana? She was an auror, she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. His instinct should have been to fire a spell at Kryshna. If he had done that, she might be in custody right now. Instead, she had somehow managed to escape by the skin of her pointed teeth.

Rutger made no pretense of trying to sleep tonight. There were so many things he needed to work out in his head. So he went straight to the table in the "command center" and began shuffling through pieces of parchment, looking for a blank one. If he wrote it all down, maybe he could make sense of what had happened.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana went right into her room when Rutger and her returned to their suite, ready to settle into her bed and sleep, hopefully able to get up early enough the next day to go over with the others at the Ministry what had happened tonight. If they set the meeting any time before noon, Alana was sure she would cause trouble with them about it.

As she lied down to sleep, however, she found that she was unable to. She was beyond tired, but no matter what position she tried sleeping in, she found it impossible. She had too many things on her mind, namely the way that Rutger reacted to Kryshna staring at her. He had never done anything like that before; they would always look out for each other, yes, but never had either of them tried to protect the other in the way that Rutger had tonight. Now, as Alana was thinking about it, her stomach was tying in knots. She shook her head, trying to get it away, not sure why she was feeling like that.

Her eyes wandered to the clock on the bedside table and saw it was a little after four. Knowing that Rutger would be awake, she decided to talk to him about it. Maybe talking would make it easier for her to sleep.

"You still up?" She asked after opening her door and seeing Rutger sitting and going through papers. Alana didn't make any notion to tell him to sleep, knowing he wouldn't listen to her.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger didn't hear her enter, but it was not unusual for him to be distracted by his thoughts. What was unusual was the fact that he was not really thinking about the case at all. Well, he was, but he was also thinking about Alana. So when she walked in and spoke to him, he was startled for a moment.

Dropping the papers in his hands, he looked up at her. Surely he was imagining the odd twisting sensation he felt in the pit of his stomach. It had been a long night, after all, and he couldn't remember when he had eaten last.

"You know me," he said, his lips quirking up in a slight smile. The ironic thing was that, no.... she did not know him. Not really. There were a great many things about him that she didn't know, that he didn't talk about. "I can't sleep. I'm too stressed. I just.... I can't believe she was so close..."

So close, and yet still she got away.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana walked further into the room and sat next to Rutger, glancing down at the papers he was shuffling through when she entered. She wanted him to get more sleep, to eat more, and to not let the case bother him so much, but she knew she would never change the way he was, and she knew that. But, for some reason, it hurt her and she didn't have an explanation for it.

“We’ll get her though. You shouldn’t let it bother you so much, it’s too much stress.” She said, not meaning to sound as condescending as she did.
“I’m sorry,” she said, and picked up a paper at random. “What are you looking over now?” She asked. Up until now, Alana hadn’t thought she was doing all she could for the investigation. Sure, she was going on chases with Rutger to try and catch Kryshna, but Alana had always left the paperwork up to Rutger, who seemed to enjoy it more than Alana.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger sighed softly and ran a hand over his beard. Asking him not to be stressed was a little like asking a dragon to be nice. He was always stressed, and he was always worried. Sometimes he thought he needed the stress to keep him going, because he wasn't sure what he'd do with himself if he could actually relax.

"We should have had her today," he said softly. "I should have caught her. I let her trick me, and because of that, she escaped. If anyone else dies, it's on my head. How can I not be stressed about that?"

He looked at her as he spoke, but didn't quite make eye contact. They both knew why he had failed to catch Kryshna. It was because he had tried to protect her from Kryshna. It had been the wrong choice, and yet for some reason, Rutger couldn't quite bring himself to say that he had made a mistake in choosing to protect Alana.

Instead he looked back at the papers in front of him. "Actually, I was just looking for a blank parchment. I wanted to write up some notes about the incident today, while it's all still fresh in my mind. We learned some important things about Kryshna today."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana shook her head at his statement, about him being responsible if anyone else died. That wasn't true, not to Alana; besides, she was just as guilty as he was.
"I get why you're stressed, but it will be blood on my hands, too, since I was involved in the reason she got away..." Alana said, lightly touching his hand.

She looked away from him as he mentioned a blank paper, and began shuffling through to help him.
"Well, this one only has a few things scribbled on it..." She said, looking at Rutger again. She realized, as she was handing the paper to him, that her hand was still on his. She wanted to pull it away, but her mind wouldn't inform her hand to do just that. Instead, the feeling in her stomach returned, and Alana decided she couldn't ignore what she had been feeling.

"You know, I don't blame you for letting Kryshna get away," She said, inching closer to Rutger slowly, as if she was afraid he would get up. "I'm glad you did, even though I wasn't her intended victim..." Alana said, and before she even realized it, she had pressed her lips to Rutger's.

[Rutger Kilborn]

"It's not your fault," Rutger said quickly. Ultimately, he had been the one to make the choice to protect her and not to fire a spell at Kryshna. If Kryshna had actually been aiming at her, Rutger could have caught her. It wouldn't have been a mistake at all. But she tricked them all, and he had underestimated her. That had been his mistake.

Before he could say anything else, Alana's hand was on his and it was impossible for him to think at all. His stomach gave another odd little flip, as he noticed her moving closer to him. The parchment slipped from his fingers and he couldn't breathe as her lips touched his.

There were so many things he should have done in that moment, but he couldn't think of even one of them. Instead, something else seemed to take over, and he pulled her closer to him and kissed her.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana was surprised when Rutger didn't pull away from her, but instead pulled her closer. She closed her eyes, half thinking this was all a dream, and she would open her eyes and be in her bedroom. She knew she like Rutger; she hadn't when they first became partners, but throughout the years and everything Kryshna put the two through, Alana grew to care for him more and more. She guessed she had something to thank Kryshna for.

She couldn't think much of anything, except for moving in the way her mind told her to, without really thinking about it, by putting her arms around his shoulders and forgetting everything. Here they were, two people through so much with the same killer, and they were taking their relationship out of the professional, the comfort zone, and into an area Alana wasn't sure the German ministry would like to hear about. She figured this was to be expected, that everything they went through would warrant this, and Alana didn't care what the Ministry had to say if they found out. She wouldn't think of that now, only of Rutger being so unlike himself tonight.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger, on the other hand, had no idea what he was feeling. He was a man so used to keeping his emotions bottled up that he had all but convinced himself that he didn't have any. But from the second Alana's lips touched his, all rational thought flew out the window and he allowed himself to just get lost for a moment. He actually had shockingly little experience with any of this, but somehow it just felt natural to kiss her.

But unfortunately, it didn't last. Reality came crashing in and reminded him that he needed to keep his head. This wasn't like him, and he was surely just confused because of the earlier incident with Kryshna. He wasn't ready to think about why he had chosen to save Alana, or why his skin burned when she touched him.

He broke the kiss abruptly, but didn't pull away completely. He had to catch his breath first, to try and think of what he was supposed to say in this situation. But it was so hard to think when the smell of her shampoo was clouding his senses.

"Alana..." he breathed, slowly backing away. "I--"

He should apologize, tell her that this would never happen again, that it could never happen again. But for some reason, he simply couldn't find the words.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana was surprised when Rutger didn't pull away so quickly. She was expecting him to push her away, yell at her, tell her it was a bad idea...anything besides what he did. When he did break the kiss, Alana wasn't too surprised, but she wasn't happy, either. She felt the tears well up in her eyes as he leaned away from her. She thought of what to say, if she should tell him how she felt or push it aside as immense gratitude for what he did earlier. Some part of her hoped he would have said something, but she knew enough about Rutger to know that he wasn't a man of many words, anyway.

"No, it's... uhm... I'm sorry." She said, looking down, hoping her hair would be enough to cover her face as she stood up.
"You should probably get back to work, you know? She's still out there, right?" Alana said quietly, and turned to go back into her room.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger didn't know what to do. This was so far out of his comfort zone that he just had no idea how to respond. Maybe that was actually a good thing, but for the time being, he didn't see it that way. All he saw was the awkwardness of the situation and the confusing feelings that were swirling around inside him.

He should tell her that this couldn't happen again. He should remind her that they were work partners and that any other kind of relationship between them was inappropriate. But how could he do that when he could still feel the kiss burning on his lips? When he really wanted to put his arms around her and kiss her again? Yet even if he did, he had no idea what that would mean. The idea of a relationship was incomprehensible to him. He had avoided personal relationships all of his life; he'd never even had friends at school. He didn't know how to be the kind of man Alana deserved.

But at the moment, he knew he didn't want her to leave the room, especially not with that hurt sound in her voice. They had to work together, at least until Kryshna was caught, so there couldn't be this awkwardness between them.

"Alana, don't leave," he called out to her. "We.... I mean, as long as we're both up, we should probably talk about the case some more."

[Alana Kalb]

All Alana wanted to do was return to her room so she could lie in bed and ponder why she did it, cry a little, and hope tomorrow this would all blow over and they could act like nothing happened. But it did, and acting like a teenager wasn't something Alana wanted to do as a woman in her thirties. But with her emotions tangling themselves within her, she felt just like a teenager again.

She made it look like she was yawning to disguise her wiping her eyes, and hoped that having her back turned to Rutger would help with that. She would have to deal with talking to him. She knew that the second he pulled away from her, and she had to face reality.

“Yeah, I guess we can.” She said, trying to put on a smile. You’re his partner, Alana, you take care of him because he won’t eat or sleep without you telling him to; it shouldn’t be more than that, she told herself as she sat in a seat far enough away from him in order to stop herself from taking his hand again against her will, but close enough to where she could still see the papers.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger frowned. Even though he wasn't very good with this sort of thing, he could tell that she was upset. He knew the smile was forced, and he didn't know what he was supposed to do to fix this. He wasn't even sure why she was upset. Why had she kissed him in the first place? Was she just planning to give him a quick thank-you kiss for saving her? Or had she hoped for something more... something more like what happened? Was she disappointed that it hadn't gone farther, or was she embarrassed that it had happened at all?

He wanted to push the whole thing aside, to pretend it had never happened. That would be the easiest thing to do. If they talked about it, he would have to tell her that there couldn't be anything between them. He thought of himself as a damaged person, someone that could never give her what she wanted. But how could he explain that to her? That he wasn't really good for her?

Right now, though, the awkwardness lingered, and he didn't know what to do about it. They had to fix this, because it would be impossible for them to work together if that kiss was still hanging between them.

"I don't regret saving you," he told her, hoping that this would be enough to soothe her. "Even though you didn't need saving... I'm still glad I did it."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana wanted to say so many things to him, that she knew that nothing really could happen between them, at least not now, even though she wished it could. She wanted to throw her arms around his shoulders and tell him everything she felt and cry and hoped he would understand.

But she didn’t. It took a lot of control for her not to, but she could tell by the look on Rutger’s face that he himself wasn’t sure why she did it. She knew the awkwardness was still there, and telling him anything that was on her mind would only make it worse. Instead, right before she was about to tell him to forget about the kiss, Rutger spoke.

“I’m glad you did as well, but…we can talk about that later, right? After Kryshna’s caught?” Alana asked, wanting the topic to go away for now. She was afraid if they talked of anything other than catching Kryshna, Alana would break into tears, and that wasn’t something she wanted Rutger to have to deal with.

[Rutger Kilborn]

He took a breath. For reasons he still couldn't quite understand, she was still hurt. But she was willing to push it aside and go back to being "all business." He could handle that. Hopefully, they could just pretend that it hadn't happened and eventually, it would almost be true. It would be for the best.

"All right," he said, quietly. "I have a pot of coffee brewing in the other room, if you want some."

He knew he needed it, that was certain. His hands were still sort of shaking, and every time he looked at her, he found himself reliving that kiss. "Maybe you could even get me to eat something."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana nodded, absentmindedly looking over to the other room. She needed the coffee as well, since it was one of her many "comfort foods." That and chocolate cake, but she knew they didn't have any in the hotel, and she wasn't aware of any place to get some this late at night.

She took a deep breath as she stood up, her eyes remaining on the other room.
"I'll try to find something for us to eat. I don't feel like cooking." She said, and smiled. After she was done pouring the coffee, she found a small tray where she put the cups and some sugar and milk on it, not knowing what Rutger would want in it, and found some crackers. Deciding that was good enough, she returned to where Rutger was sitting.

"So...have you thought of why she would have attacked here?" She asked as she placed the tray down on a relatively clean part of the table.

[Rutger Kilborn]

When she left the room, Rutger stared after her. The room felt strangely empty without her. He'd made a mistake in kissing her like that. And yet, while he hated the awkwardness that was between them now, he didn't entirely regret kissing her. The truth was, he had never kissed anyone like that before. There had been a girl in his seventh year who had tried to kiss him once, but that was the extent of his experience.

He knew that it was unusual for a man, especially one of his age, to be so inexperienced with kissing and sex and relationships. But he didn't think of himself as a normal man. He held himself apart from others and kept his emotions tightly in check, because he never wanted to talk about what he had been through as a child. What he didn't realize was that by talking about it, he would finally be able to heal.

When Alana's lips had touched his, the thick layer of ice that covered his heart began to thaw for the first time. He didn't realize that it was happening; all he knew was that, for a brief moment, his self-control had slipped and he had wanted to be just like any other man, kissing a beautiful woman. And it had been wonderful; exhilarating. He wanted to kiss her again, to feel what it was like to be truly alive. But there were so many complications that came with it, and he was not ready for those. It was better if things went back to the way they had always been.

Forcing all thoughts of Alana and the kiss from his mind, he stared down at the blank piece of paper, trying to come up with something, anything, to write down on it. But his mind kept going back to the kiss and the burning sensation that still lingered on his lips.

When Alana came back in, he jumped slightly and looked up at her. "Well," he said slowly. He really hadn't thought of anything since she left to get the coffee. But there was at least one conclusion that he had managed to reach, before they had kissed. "I'm almost positive that she didn't come here because of us. I think she was just as surprised to see us here as we were to see her. I believe her goal was just to get the couple."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana found it hard to look at Rutger as he was talking. She still felt like a complete idiot, and was still rather embarrassed. Sure, he had kissed her back, but she initiated it. She just felt so stupid now, sitting next to him, getting coffee for him and talking about the case as if nothing had ever happened between the two of them.

Was that what Rutger wanted? Alana thought, which brought her to the point of running away again. She was always so good at facing problems except if someone was yelling at her, but Rutger wasn't yelling. Why did she feel the need to run away from this problem now? Maybe she had finally met her match...

She realized she had been staring into her coffee since she had sat down and since Rutger had begun talking. She looked up, her eyes meeting Rutger's for a split second before she looked away.
"Have the murders in the past been connected to those she attacked tonight? I still believe she had someone find out we were going to be here, and that is why she did it here, so close to us." Alana said. She loved theorizing, even though it did get on others' nerves most of the time. She didn't mind, though, it kept her thinking, and when she was this tired and trying to get her mind off of other matters, she welcomed the thoughts.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger was finding it equally difficult to look at her, but for a different reason. He was feeling extremely conflicted inside, and looking at her only confused him more.

Rutger didn't like emotions. They were messy and complicated, and they made people behave in irrational ways. Rutger liked facts; he liked everything neat and clean and rational. Deep down, he had a secret fear that if he gave into his emotions on anything, he would break down completely; just fall apart over all the things that had happened to him and the parents he never got to know. So it was better if he made himself feel nothing and just focused on the facts.

He knew that Alana was beautiful; he had acknowledged that as a fact long ago. What he would not acknowledge was how he felt about that fact, or how her attempts at jokes sometimes made him chuckle in spite of himself, or how she tried to make sure he ate or slept at night. But when she kissed him, somehow a strange rush of emotions had taken over and he kissed her back. That in itself was disturbing enough to Rutger, but what really troubled him was that he had liked it. It was almost as though he'd been dead inside, and she had brought him back to life.

But other than his own issues with relationships, there was another thing standing in the way. The case was always the most important thing to him, and he couldn't afford any distractions until Kryshna was caught.

And yet, every time he looked at her, he couldn't think of anything else but kissing her again.

"I.... I suppose it's possible," he said at last. "But she really did seem genuinely surprised to see us here. I used to think there was a method to her madness, but now I'm not so sure. I think she's just going where she's told. We need to find more about the victims, anything about them that might motivate this Voldemort character to have them murdered so brutally."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana tried to think back to when Kryshna saw them, but so much had happened since then that her memory seemed to be clouded. She wasn't thrilled to see them, that was for sure, so Alana figured Rutger was right, that she had no idea they were there. Alana smiled to herself at the thought of Kryshna attacking someone in a hotel and not expecting to find the two that had been tracking her for so long. She knew they were in London, Alana figured that much, but to think they wouldn't run into each other? Alana found that humorous, but she kept quiet about it, not sure if Rutger would find it as funny as she did, as was the case with many of her jokes.

She swirled her mug around a bit, eyes focusing on the milk and coffee swirling together. When she was a young adult, she loved coffee. Her father gave it to her on one occasion without her mother’s permission, and ever since then, she was addicted to it. Now sitting here with Rutger, she was thinking of getting up every morning and making coffee for him, waiting for him to wake up and then the two of them sitting down to breakfast together.

Alana placed her mug on the table and sighed, running her hands over her face and through her hair. Daydreaming wouldn’t help her do anything with this case, but no matter how many times Alana told herself that, she found it hard to concentrate.

“Will we be able to find anything out before tomorrow? Or, I guess, later today?” Alana asked, glancing at the clock. “I wouldn’t suppose it’s reached the Ministry yet, unless Daniel and Sean woke everyone up.” She thought that for something like this, it shouldn’t wait until the morning, but she wouldn’t blame them for doing so. She knew she would be rather upset getting woken up in the middle of the night.
“Let me tell you, though, if they need us in a meeting or something tomorrow…I’m not getting up until after noon.”