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Post by Austin Hancock on Jan 17, 2011 23:21:40 GMT -5
Austin squeezed Paige's hand. "We could watch them all," he suggested. "Of course we don't have to watch every one tonight, but I would like to see all of the ones you have." He smiled at her. "I do like the Nutcracker, but I'm up for watching anything." The Nutcracker was the show that he had attended. He wasn't going to blurt that out, not yet. He liked the idea that she was wanting to share her performances with him.
Austin started to led her back inside. "Which one is your favorite?"
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Post by Paige Owen on Jan 18, 2011 0:50:16 GMT -5
Paige followed him, gripping his hand as if searching for support. She could feel a knot in her stomach very similar to the one she used to get before a performance. It was sweet that he wanted to watch them all, but it was going to be an experiment to see if she could just watch one. If the first one went OK, then maybe they could watch others. She had to take small steps.
"The Nutcracker was fun," she agreed. "We had a meet and greet after one of the performances, because there were a lot of kids at that show. So we went out there, still in our costumes, and I had all these little girls coming up to me, oohing and aaahing and saying how pretty I was and how they wanted to be just like me. That felt really good. But my favorite was Giselle. It was one of the only times I had a lead part. But I think I was really skinny in that. When I heard that they were planning to do Giselle, I wanted that lead so badly that I starved myself for a month and trained like crazy to get it. See, the lead in Giselle.... she's sick, so you need to be really skinny. I got the lead, and I practically lived that part. I was so sick... It's probably better we don't watch that one right now. I'm not sure I want you to see me that way. A few months after that show was when I hurt my knee..."
She sighed softly. She still missed dancing, but she knew now that it hadn't been good for her. She had worked too hard and had made herself sick with practice and lack of food. And she had alienated everyone around her, so that the other girls could barely stand her.
Inside the apartment, she made her way over to the TV and dug through the stack of tapes until she found the one marked "Nutcracker." Still holding the tape in her hand, she turned to look at him. "I've never watched any of these before," she admitted. "I'm a little nervous to see it, actually."
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Post by Austin Hancock on Jan 18, 2011 18:35:35 GMT -5
Austin squeezed Paige's hand. The past was behind her and she was going to be just fine. Things were changing and she shouldn't worry about the past. What was done was done and he was proud of her for trying to move on.
"I know that it'll be a perfect performance," he said as he sat down on the couch. Austin stretched his arm along the back of it, waiting for her to sit down next to him. Hopefully she would be able to just sit down and relax while they watched it. He wasn't completely sure that she would be able to watch it without trying to pick a part her performance but he hoped she wouldn't.
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Post by Paige Owen on Jan 28, 2011 1:07:04 GMT -5
This particular performance had been a few years earlier, when she was not quite so obsessed with her body and, consequently, she had a slightly more healthy-looking figure. At the time, she probably would have been mortified to be referred to as having a healthy figure, and it probably would have started her on a crash diet. Maybe that was how it started. Paige couldn't quite remember when her need to stay fit and watch what she ate had become an obsessive need to be thin. In the beginning, she had thought she was being healthy by simply eating less, and by the end she was eating nothing. It was scary to think about how things had all gone wrong.
"I don't know about perfect," Paige said nervously as she popped the tape in the machine and moved over to the couch, still clutching Austin's hand. "I'm trying to accept that no one and nothing is perfect. It was my obsession with being perfect that made me the way I was. But.... I think that this one was very good. The kids seemed to like it, and I think we got some good reviews in the papers for it."
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Post by Austin Hancock on Jan 31, 2011 13:45:30 GMT -5
"Perfection is what you make it," Austin said, "and it differs from person to person what it really is." He smiled at her. Although Austin thought that Paige's dancing would be perfect, she would pick out the flaws instead of enjoying the big picture. The little things didn't have to be 'perfect' in order to make the big picture that way.
"You did get good reviews for it," he added. "I remember reading the paper the next day and seeing the review for it. I probably still have that paper somewhere in my apartment." As the video started playing, Austin relaxed and squeezed Paige's hand gently. Watching her own performance was a big step and he only hoped that she would eventually see that she didn't have to see the little bitty things.
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Post by Paige Owen on Feb 6, 2011 2:04:11 GMT -5
It was crazy, but Paige felt just as nervous about watching the tape as she had felt before an actual performance. Her stomach felt queasy, her knees were weak, and she could feel her hands beginning to shake. During performance weeks, it had always been easy for Paige to starve herself, because she was so nervous that she wouldn't have been able to keep much down anyway. Now she had a full stomach, and she was wondering to herself whether she would be able to keep it down.
And then Austin squeezed her hand. Something about that reassuring touch stopped her hand from shaking and her stomach from churning. This was what she'd been missing all along... someone to hold her hand and tell her that everything was going to be alright. Someone to cheer her on and tell her that she was brilliant and beautiful and perfect. Her parents had never come to a performance, and she'd never even invited Chloe. And her endless string of "boyfriends," if they even lasted long enough to call them that had never really cared enough to be there for her, either. If only she had known Austin then... maybe she wouldn't have self-destructed.
"You... you read my review?" she said suddenly, realizing what he'd just said. "And kept it? I.... I didn't even know you saw the show. And I never even read my own reviews...."
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Post by Austin Hancock on Feb 22, 2011 14:53:07 GMT -5
"Yeah, I read the review. It was a great performance." Austin hadn't intentionally said that he had see the show. "There's not many performances I go see. I just happened to go that night." What he had just said was the truth. Austin didn't go out to performances often. He wasn't exactly sure why he went, but things happened for a reason, didn't they?
"I can understand not wanting to read your own reviews. Some people can be harshly criticizing about the smallest things, but that review was not one of those. Nothing but good things were said about it. If you want, I could see if I could find it and let you read it." There were a few things Austin kept from the newspapers. Interesting stories and the like were a few things he kept. Although the review from Paige's performance was the only review he had.
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Post by Paige Owen on Feb 27, 2011 0:21:58 GMT -5
Paige couldn't describe the feeling that went through her when he told her that he'd not only seen the performance, but he remembered her and he kept the review afterward. This was something she had always longed for... someone who went to her shows and supported her. She had secretly wished that her parents had gone to see her shows, or Chloe... and yet she had been too proud to ever invite them. But Austin had gone, he remembered her, and now here he was. It was incredibly sweet.
She couldn't quite help herself in that moment. She leaned up and kissed him, but it wasn't a pushy or demanding kiss intended to lead to something more. It was just a sweet, quick kiss that showed him what she was feeling in a way that words never could.
"I can't believe you kept my review," she said, tears shining in her eyes. "That is just amazing. How did I get so lucky to find you?"
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Post by Austin Hancock on Feb 27, 2011 10:49:27 GMT -5
The quick kiss did surprise Austin for a moment, but he smiled when she pulled away. "Just good timing I guess," he said with a shrug as he reached up to touch her cheek. "I'm not even sure why I decided to go. It just seemed like one of those things that said 'you have to go to this'. For once, I listened, and went. The performance was one of my favorites, I do have to say. The next morning when I got the paper, I clipped the review and saved it sort of as a souvenir type thing. Then not to long after that I saw you again. That was the night I walked you home. Something told me to do it, and I have to say I'm glad I did."
How everything seemed to work out seemed to be odd, but Austin knew things happened for a reason. There was no such thing as coincidence.
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Post by Paige Owen on Mar 1, 2011 0:05:36 GMT -5
Paige didn't know what to say. She was so touched, she honestly thought she might cry. She hadn't cried since she was at the height of her illness and had been literally falling apart at the seams from stress and weakness and exhaustion. Back then, she cried at everything... a broken lace on her ballet shoes was enough to trigger a major meltdown.
"I'm glad you were there," she said. "And I'm so happy that my performance meant that much to you. But... I'm glad when we met that first time that you didn't try to ask me out or anything. I was.... well, I was a train wreck back then. And I got worse later on, so if we'd been together, I would have ruined it. I think this time you came at the right time."
Many times she had wondered whether a lot of her bad relationships in the past had been her own fault. Maybe it wasn't just that she picked the wrong guys or the wrong guys picked her.... maybe she had been the wrong girl. She had been unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.... she couldn't even love herself, so how could anyone else had loved her? She wasn't better yet, but she was getting there. And when she looked in Austin's eyes, she saw everything she could be. It gave her hope, where she had never had any before.
The tape had been playing the whole time they talked, but of course, her part didn't come in until Act II, so they weren't missing anything.
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Post by Austin Hancock on Mar 1, 2011 20:08:33 GMT -5
"Well, I had a suspicion that things weren't going okay for you," Austin admitted. "I figured anyone else that asked you if you needed them to walk you home would mean something else entirely. Plus, I don't really go after a woman when she's vulnerable. I like to help her on her feet. Being pushed down can be rough, but if you have someone there to pick you up, it's not as bad as it could be." It was just odd timing that night. That night, he had to go check on his mother to make sure she was okay, but he figured he could do a good deed along the way.
"Then after that when we ran into each other again, I knew it was the right time to see about coming after you. It seemed like it was the right time, even if you weren't fully standing up right. To me, now you seemed to be standing more up right than you did before."
Paige had come along way since Austin first met her and he knew she knew that.
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Post by Paige Owen on Mar 2, 2011 1:17:36 GMT -5
There was a time when Paige would have thought a guy like Austin had to be from another planet. The guys she knew were not like him. He had such old-fashioned ideals, and yet he had such faith in people. In her. She couldn't help but be stunned by it. Did he have any idea how amazing he really was?
"I'm still a work in progress, you know," she said, unable to stop herself from warning him. "But then... maybe we all are."
She smiled slightly, then looped her arm around his and rested her head against his shoulder. Pointing at the screen with her free hand, she added, "This guy who played the Mouse King... he was a real jerk. He tried to grope me at the wrap party, and I poured punch down his pants. The funny thing is, he was gay... I guess he went straight when he drank too much."
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Post by Austin Hancock on Mar 3, 2011 12:06:48 GMT -5
"We all are. There's different ways we can better ourselves, even the small things." Things were always changing, even if that meant learning cooking skills, or drawing, or other things.
Austin let out a laugh. He could see Paige doing something just like that. "That's the first time I have ever heard anything like that," he said. "I knew drinking could make you do different things, but going completely the other way? I think I've heard it all." He rested his cheek on her head. Things felt completely comfortable between them. Austin felt like it felt more at ease and things could just unfold however they intended to unfold.
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Post by Paige Owen on Mar 8, 2011 0:50:02 GMT -5
Paige laughed, too. There were a lot of moments during those days that, when she looked back on them, were actually very funny. She hadn't been able to find the humor in them at the time, but she was a different person now.
"You'd be surprised what kinds of things can happen when people have too much to drink. I've seen all kinds of things... and if I think about it, I've seen--and done--some things that make me never want to drink again."
They watched quietly for a little while, as the first act ended. They had skipped the intermission, and there was only a tiny break before the second act started. Paige felt herself tense up as she waited for her entrance, and she squeezed Austin's hand nervously.
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Post by Austin Hancock on Apr 11, 2011 13:23:15 GMT -5
He wouldn't ask her about some of those things. After knowing what he already knew about her, he knew that it might bring back bad memories and right now things were going pretty well.
Austin recalled sitting in the audience as he was watching the show. He couldn't remember for the life of him what made him go that night, but that wasn't any of his concern right now because he was where he wanted to be right now. Whatever caused him to go that night, he was extremely thankful for it.
Feeling Paige tense up beside him, he gently squeezed her hand in return, just to remind her that he was still there and it was okay. He very lightly pressed his lips to the top of her head as he turned back to watch the screen as one of his favorite parts started to play.
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Post by Paige Owen on Apr 11, 2011 17:36:15 GMT -5
For a moment, Paige couldn't breathe. It felt almost like she was really backstage, listening for her cue. It was crazy to be so nervous about an entrance that she had already made so long ago, wasn't it? But it felt like no time had passed, like she was stuck in that moment, reliving it. It was terrifying.
And then she heard the cue, and on the video, she saw herself dancing out onto the stage. She felt the bottom drop out of her stomach, and thought she might throw up... but then just as suddenly, she felt herself relax. Austin's hand was like a lifeline, pulling her back to the reality, even as the version of herself on the video began to dance. Remembering that moment, Paige knew that the video Paige was no longer nervous, but focused and determined and completely in the moment.
She was still quite thin, but not as bad as she would later become. And her moves were.... flawless. Even as tough a critic as she could sometimes be, Paige couldn't find anything wrong with her performance. She was graceful and beautiful... probably about as close to perfect as she could ever hope to be. And she hadn't even realized it. All she had done was complain and tear herself up over every little thing... she'd never taken the time to appreciate the beauty of what she was doing.
Her eyes welling with tears, she looked up at Austin. "I really was good, wasn't I?" she whispered.
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Post by Austin Hancock on Apr 11, 2011 22:24:20 GMT -5
During the performance, Austin remained quiet and watched fascinated. It would never fail to amaze him how perfect dancing could be. Granted dancing wasn't his cup of tea, but it was still amazing to watch.
He looked down at Paige as she looked to him. A light smile crossed his face. "Yes," he said reaching up with one hand and wiping away the tears that threatened to fall, "You were amazing. By far the best performance that I will ever see." Maybe now Paige was starting to see that even though there were extremely small things that could have been going on, it was the big picture that really mattered in most cases.
"Everyone thought you did wonderful that night, even me." He smiled broader as he wiped at her other eye.
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Post by Paige Owen on Apr 11, 2011 23:25:13 GMT -5
If he had hoped to make her stop crying, it didn't work. His words, so beautiful and sincere, were words she had needed someone to say to her for a very long time. She shouldn't have needed validation from someone else, but she did... because she could always only see the bad things about herself, about her performance, and about her looks. No one had ever told her that she was beautiful, and that she was talented; that she was worth something. She had only started to see that recently, and although she still struggled to believe it, she was getting better.
Burying her face in his chest, she cried a little harder. "Oh, Godric, I miss it. I miss it so much... it was so bad for me, and it nearly killed me, but I miss it. I never really appreciated what I was doing... I never let myself enjoy it. I was trying so hard to be perfect, I never saw how good I really was."
She couldn't go back to it now, she knew that. Her knee just wouldn't let her. And even if it would, she still couldn't go back after all it had done to her. She just wished that she could go back and tell that girl on the tape to relax and stop beating herself up over every little thing. If only she could tell her all that she knew now... maybe she could have saved herself from self-destructing.
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Post by Austin Hancock on Apr 12, 2011 11:42:30 GMT -5
He wrapped both of his arms around her as she cried. It broke his heart to hear her cry and the things she just said. Austin stroked her hair. "The good thing out of it is that, even though it did break you, you are now becoming a lot stronger than you used to be." Once someone hit the bottom, the only way to go was up, even if it was hard.
For a moment, he remained quiet and let her cry. The tears needed to be shed in order to help get over it. He continued to stroke her hair. "You have a much better life ahead of yourself," he said softly. "You need to look ahead since you have learned from the past."
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Post by Paige Owen on Apr 12, 2011 20:56:23 GMT -5
It shouldn't have really surprised Paige to realize how badly she had handled everything in her dancing career. A lot of it was a vague sort of haze in her mind, clouded by tears of anger and self-loathing. There really wasn't good to remember about that time... it just seemed like years of punishing practices, starvation diets, sickness, drinking, men, and nasty, backstabbing behavior. It had been brutal self-abuse, and she was lucky to have come out on the other side of it, a stronger and better person.
But there had been beauty to it, too, and only now could Paige see that. The girl dancing on that tape had been trying so hard to be perfect that she forgot to take pride in what had been a magnificent performance. She remembered afterwards, the little girls coming up to her and telling her how beautiful she was and how they wanted to be just like her. And she had barely even listened or allowed the words to sink in. She'd been so selfish and stupid, and she didn't want to be that girl anymore. She wanted to be the girl Austin believed she could be.
"Thank you," she said softly, looking up at him with liquid brown eyes. "I think I needed to see this. It's the only way I can put it behind me."
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