Broken Things (Cara)

[Mathieu Ferrera]

After leaving Roland at the hospital, Mathieu went back to the apartment. It was still Roland's apartment; in Mathieu's eyes it always had been. And now that Roland was alive, Mathieu realized that he didn't belong there and he never had. All along he had been acting in ways Roland would not have approved of, had he been here. Roland wouldn't have wanted him to shut out Cara and the children, to cling to whatever earthly remains left behind by his eldest son. He wouldn't have wanted him to be angry about losing him. He wouldn't have wanted him to waste away in alcohol or forget to take care of himself, while shutting himself away from the rest of the world in an empty apartment. Mathieu had known that all along, but he'd done those things anyway, because Roland wasn't there to stop him.

But now he was. And just the mere fact that he was back made Mathieu realize how stupid he'd been. He'd made the pain worse by wallowing in it, by shutting himself off from the people who loved and needed him most.

When he got back to the apartment, he went inside and cleaned up the place, restoring it mostly to the same condition in which Roland had left it. Then he took a shower and shaved the shaggy growth of beard from his face. Finally, he packed his trunk and left the apartment behind, apparating over to the house he shared with his family.

He was nervous as he knocked on the door. There was a very good chance Cara would tell him to shove off. But Mathieu hoped she would at least let him back in, even if it took a while to rebuild what they had once had.

[Cara Ferrera]

Cara wanted to stay at the hospital, but she knew Roland wouldn't have any of it. And when she left, part of her hoped that Mathieu would follow her and come home with her, but he didn't. In fact, it was a couple of hours before she saw him.

When she came back home, she'd gone into Roland's old room, and a rush of emotions hit her from all sides. She cried.

Cara didn't understand why. Roland was back... why was she still mourning him? Maybe she was just mourning the loss of something else, but she tried not to think about Mathieu.

When a knock came at the door, she wiped her eyes and went to answer it, taking in the sight of Mathieu and his trunk. He was her husband and she loved him dearly, so telling him to shove off didn't even cross her mind. After a moment, she stood back and opened the door wider. And though she didn't say anything, it was clear that she was moving aside to let him in.

[Mathieu Ferrera]

Mathieu didn't speak either as he moved into the house, his trunk floating along behind him. Once inside, he turned to her, his eyes filled with unspoken emotions.

He loved her desperately, but he'd never been good at saying it. And when he had believed that their eldest son was dead, it had become so much harder to say. In a way, Roland had tied them together in a way that the other children had not. Roland was the first child, the one that had turned their romance into the beginnings of a family. Neither he nor Cara had intended to get married so young, but when Cara became pregnant with Roland, all their plans had changed. Mathieu was sure that he would have eventually married her anyway, but with Roland on the way, it was necessary to do it right away. And it was the best thing they had ever done... getting married and starting a family.

And although Mathieu loved each one of his children differently, there was something about Roland... the first, the oldest. Losing him had been unbearable. He should have shared that pain with Cara, but he couldn't. Cara had always been closer to Roland, she was the one he turned to on the rare occasions he needed advice. And Mathieu was left feeling like he had somehow failed Roland, because he'd never been able to say "I love you."

"Cara, I..." he began. "I know there's no excuse for the way I've behaved.... But I'm sorry."

[Cara Ferrera]

"I'm sorry, too," Cara replied, almost curtly, but then her facial expression softened as she said it. Now who was pushing who away? She sighed and closed the door after Mathieu had come in.

"I'm glad you're home," she said finally. "I have some left overs I can heat up for you."

Her words said that she was forgiving him, but she was still deeply angry that he wasn't there for her. And one day soon, she would have to tell him just how badly she needed him when he wasn't there... but tonight wasn't the right time for that. She had always been closest with Roland, and it hit her hard when she thought he died. The other children were gone, doing their own thing, and Mathieu just left her. How was she supposed to respond to that?

He already apologized twice... she just couldn't bring herself to forgive him yet.

[Mathieu Ferrera]

Mathieu knew her well enough to know that he was not yet forgiven. He didn't expect to be, not right away. He was going to have to work to earn her trust again. The important thing was that, by letting him move back in, she was at least willing to take the steps to rebuild their relationship.

"Thank you," he said, releasing a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

He glanced at his trunk, not sure what to do with it yet. He had a feeling that Cara wouldn't be allowing to share her bed for a while. Again, he couldn't blame her.

[Cara Ferrera]

Cara noticed him glance uncertainly at his trunk, and she crossed her arms over her chest and sighed.

"You should probably put your things in Roland's old room," she said, her voice soft. It wasn't because she was punishing him, and maybe he would know that, maybe not. It was because she couldn't sleep in the same bed with him and feel that emotional chasm between them. Now that her children were all fine, she needed to look after herself.

"At least until we know if Emelia and her boys will be staying with us."

[Mathieu Ferrera]

Mathieu sighed softly, having expected this. And he wasn't going to argue with her, not yet. Too much had happened, and they were still recovering from the loss and recovery of Roland. As it was, Mathieu still wasn't entirely sure he hadn't dreamed the whole thing.

Nodding slowly, Mathieu levitated his trunk down the hall and into Roland's old room. He returned a few moments later and came to stand in front of Cara. "I... I really would appreciate the leftovers," he said softly. "I can't recall the last time I ate a good meal."

Whenever it was, it had surely been cooked by Cara. It was probably some time before Roland had... gone away. But he left those implications unspoken.

[Cara Ferrera]

"Well, if you'd been home..." Cara trailed off, but she did nothing to hide the anger in her voice. She had a right to be angry with him. She had nearly lost two sons, Jamie and Cyrus, and then she lost Roland, and then Mathieu. Except that her husband left her by choice. It was a hard thing to bear.

She turned from him and walked into the kitchen. She made dinner for him every night. And when he didn't come, she didn't eat. She had a lot of left overs.

"I'm sorry," she told him a few minutes later, returning with a warmed up plate of mashed potatoes and chicken. "I shouldn't snap at you. This has been hard on all of us."

[Mathieu Ferrera]

He probably wouldn't have eaten even if he had been home. He felt sick much of the time, probably from drinking so much alcohol on an empty stomach. Unlike his son, Mathieu was not used to drinking much on a regular basis. He usually just had a nip or two once in a while, and that was it. Until this ordeal, he had not been drunk since he was 18 or so.

"It's OK," he said in a low voice. "I deserve it. I failed you and I failed our children. And I'm not sure how to make up for that."

[Cara Ferrera]

Cara was quiet. Was he expecting her to assure him that he didn't fail them? That he didn't fail her, or that she felt like Jamie was slipping away, or that Ama could have used her father?

"I don't know how to need you anymore, Mathieu," she whispered rather candidly. "And I hate that feeling."

Sighing, she went back into the kitchen and poured a glass of wine for both of them. If she had something stronger in the kitchen, she would have poured it instead.

"But I'm glad you're home."

[Mathieu Ferrera]

Mathieu ate slowly, finding that his stomach was somewhat unused to real food. As he did, he watched Cara quietly. He wished he knew what to say or do to make things better. But he knew he couldn't fix it with just a word or a gesture. He was honestly surprised that she was even letting him stay at all.

"Cara, I...." He sighed and took a small sip from the glass of wine she had set in front of him. "I know it doesn't fix things, but I do love you. I was just... thinking Roland was dead... I felt like all the hopes I had for the future... all the good I believed we were doing was all for nothing. That we were all going to end up following him. In fact, I planned on it. I was either going to find out who killed him and go after him myself, or I was going to drink myself to death. That was why I talked to Riley. I thought maybe she knew who did it."

[Cara Ferrera]

"Maybe we were meant to follow him... I thought so, too. But it didn't mean I was just going to give up, or that our children didn't still need us. It didn't mean I was going to follow him without you by my side." As she spoke, each of her words grew louder and angrier.

"You're a right selfish bastard, Mathieu." Yes, she was angry and she didn't care to hide it. He'd made her suffer and ache and hurt in ways she couldn't imagine, and she wasn't ready to forgive him for making her grieve the loss of both her son and her husband.

"I'm letting you stay because this is your home, and because I do love you. But mostly it's for our kids. Or have you given up on them, too?"

[Mathieu Ferrera]

Mathieu sighed. “I know,” he said simply. “I failed you… I failed our children. When you all needed me most, I just… I wasn’t there for you. And I regret that, more than you know. Even if Roland hadn’t just miraculously returned from the dead, I’d still regret it. At the… the funeral… I wanted to go to you. I wanted to hold you. I just… I didn’t know how. I know it’s no excuse.”

He began to rub his head tiredly. It was true that he had given up. He had been quite ready to drink himself into oblivion. And he couldn’t quite pretend that everything was fine and dandy now that Roland wasn’t dead. All along, that was all he had wanted, for Roland to come back to them. And now he had, against all odds… but it didn’t actually make everything all better. The pain, the fear, the loss, the emptiness… it was all still there, still fresh in their minds. How were they supposed to get past something that had, essentially, not happened at all?

“I haven’t given up on you, Cara. I still love you. And I know ‘sorry’ isn’t good enough, but for now, it’s all I’ve got.”

[Cara Ferrera]

"You're right. It's not good enough, Mathieu. And I don't forgive you. Not yet."

She was being harsh, she knew, but she knew, but she was just so angry. They took vows when they married, for better or for worse, and when she needed him, he abandoned her. That was hard to forgive, and she wanted him to feel some kind of pain. She wanted him to know what it had been like for her, so utterly alone. It was selfish, but then, he'd been selfish too.

"You weren't the only one that lost a son that day, Mathieu."

This last part was whispered, and she stood up, taking her wine with her into the kitchen... just somewhere to get away from him for a minute.

[Mathieu Ferrera]

Mathieu watched her go, knowing that it was useless to try and stop her right now. He had made a mess of things, and he had no idea how to fix it, or if he even could. He still loved her, but how could they just go on like nothing had ever happened?

They had lost a son, and with him, Mathieu had given up all hope of the future. he had been unable to be there for her, because he hadn't felt strong enough to carry his own pain, let alone hers. But what hadn't occurred to him at the time was that they should have carried it together.

And now, Roland was back, alive, against all odds. If he wasn't so relieved to have him back, Mathieu would have killed him for putting them through this. Roland didn't seem to have a clue what his "death" would have done to them, and seemed to expect that everything would just go back to normal when he returned. Unfortunately, it wasn't that simple. Too much had happened.

He quietly finished the food on his plate, barely tasting it. Then he slowly got up and walked into the kitchen with his plate in his hand. "Cara..." he began softly. "I wish I knew how to make this right. I wish I could go back and do things differently. But I can't. All I can do is swear I'll never give up on you again."

They seemed like empty words right now. But he had to try. He didn't want to lose her... even if he deserved it.

[Cara Ferrera]

Cara was eternally thankful that he gave her a few minutes alone. She wasn't sure how to handle this on her own, or with him. She didn't know how she was supposed to act around Mathieu anymore. She loved him, of course she did. He was the love of her life, her best friend... and she didn't even know how to sit at the same table with him.

Maybe they blamed each other for the loss of their son. If only one of them had done something different, said something different... and none of it seemed to be any easier now that he was back.

When Mathieu came into the kitchen, she straightened up. "I'm glad that you're home," she said, her words even and almost monotone. "It's good for the children to us together again."

It was good for them, too, but she wasn't prepared to admit that yet.

[Mathieu Ferrera]

It was going to take a while, he knew that. But, Merlin, it hurt. The monotone voice, the way she didn't quite look him in the eyes... He deserved it all and worse, of course. That wasn't all that different from what he'd put her through when she had needed him the most. How could he expect to just be let back in, for everything to go back the way it had been before?

But he missed her. He had missed her, even as he'd been pushing her away, and he missed her right now while she was standing right next to him.

"It's good for us, too," he said, voicing the words she refused to say. "I missed you."

He let the words hang in the air, as he turned and silently began to do the dishes, resuming their old tradition--she cooked, he cleaned up after.

[Cara Ferrera]

Did it make her a bad wife that she wanted to be so angry at him, that she didn't want to forgive him? Roland was her firstborn, her son. There was nothing she wouldn't do for him, and her world crumbled. Just because Roland was back did not mean that it made Mathieu's absence any easier, any less heartbreaking. He still abandoned her, let her swim through her own guilt and sorrow with no life vest. As much as she loved him and always would, Cara hated him.

As he turned away from her to do the dishes, Cara just... lost it. She folded her arms across her chest, and she couldn't stop herself from crying. Aside from the fact that Roland was alive, nothing was better.

[Mathieu Ferrera]

They hadn't cried together. When they thought Roland was dead, they should have held each other and cried together. Instead, he had retreated into his office to cry and drink, and Cara was left by herself to cry alone. The next day, when they told the children, Mathieu had cried with Ama, but Cara had been forced to hold things together for the other children. Even then, Mathieu knew it wasn't fair to her, but he hadn't been able to stop it. Even Judah hadn't been able to pull him out of it long enough to share his grief with his wife.

It was often said that hindsight was 20/20, and Mathieu had never realized just how true that was. He had been an idiot. It probably would have been easier for both of them if he had gone to her right away and grieved along with her. He wasn't even sure why he hadn't. Grief had clouded his mind, making him do things that didn't even make sense now.

But the question was, how to make up for it and repair his marriage?

Almost as if to answer, Mathieu, his arms up to his elbows in dish soap (he preferred to do dishes the muggle way) suddenly heard his wife break into sobs. Immediately he wiped the soap bubbles from his arms, then waved his wand, making the dishes do themselves while he turned around to take Cara in his arms.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to her. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you."

[Cara Ferrera]

Cara wanted so badly to push him away, to just slap him for all the pain they each had to endure alone. For a second, all she could do was gold her breath. Finally, she gave in, missing the warmth and the comfort of his arms.

Maybe she should have pushed harder, forced him to let her in and Hol her before they got themselves in this position. She was willing to admit that she might be partially to blame. But either way, there was a stone wall between them and it was suffocating her.

"I can't do this anymore, Matthieu. I'm just... done."