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Post by Erica Raines on Apr 23, 2009 1:32:42 GMT -5
Erica had been holding sessions for students since the attack. She had some bogus calls from students who just wanted to get out of class, but there were a few who truely were struggling with what had happened and it was her job to help them as much as she could.
Although she wasn't really sure she knew how. So much of the time she was afraid of saying the wrong thing, or not having her students relate to her. She found herself often talking to her deceased husband asking for advice, and of course he didn't answer but it helped to watch his picture and see him smiling at her. Merlin she missed him so much, the world was a lot scarier without him in it.
Sighing she heard the knock on her door, it was another meeting and she awaited the student.
"Come in."
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Post by Justine Torrance on Apr 23, 2009 23:21:35 GMT -5
Justine couldn't imagine anything more annoying than being forced to spend an hour with some stupid counselor. Yeah, she was depressed, but that was a pretty common state of mind for her. She was always depressed. She liked it that way. It was happiness that she didn't trust. And the counselor dared to think she could try and take that away from her?
But she was summoned, and she had to go. She would have rather gone to have her teeth pulled, but she went anyway.
As she entered the counselor's office, she folded her arms across her chest. "OK. So let's just get this over with, OK? You're wasting your time with me."
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Post by Erica Raines on May 24, 2009 13:55:12 GMT -5
Erica's office once again was something slightly otherworldy, a place of serenity, lush with foliage designed to ease the mind with it's sheer loveliness, at the moment Erica found herself spraying some flowers that would be in bloom soon, her back to Justine. She had read Justine's file and thought of what a challenge the girl would be indeed, and yet Erica didn't want to simply attack a person's emotions willy nilly , she genuinely wanted to help people who came to her, and she believed she could having experienced her own pain and having also long ago accepted that everyone's pain is different, and that everyone has it.
Pain was a part of life. She set down the bottle and turned her head over her shoulder toward Justine smiling lightly as if she sympathized with the girl, "Well ultimately it is your decision Justine, you're welcome to turn around and return to class." she said pleasantly, "Although if you wish to stay you're welcome to do that as well."
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Post by Justine Torrance on May 26, 2009 22:20:54 GMT -5
The office was pretty, but she might have felt a little more at ease in a room draped in black. Something about beauty and serenity made her feel so much sadder than the darkness.
"They said I had to," Justine said. "Something about being obsessed with death. Just because all of my predictions in Divination were about death. Isn't that what the stupid class is about?"
Nevertheless, she moved into the room and sat down. It wasn't like she had anywhere better to go. She was getting out of potions class, and she couldn't complain about that.
"So... what? Am I supposed to sit here and spill my guts to you about how sad I am or something?"
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Post by Erica Raines on May 30, 2009 23:36:32 GMT -5
"If you wish." Erica said a tender yet bemused smile lingering at her lips, "Although something tells me you're less than eager to do so." she said turning fully toward her momentary charge, " Are you obsessed with death?" Erica asked witout prejudice.
Her question was sincere and without reproof, her tone indicated something rare and precious indeed, and that was a blank slate. She was offering Justine the chance to share herelf with Erica in her own words, and Erica was offering to listen without judging, to listen to Justine's side of the story rather than what had been said of the girl, or what normal society might have mocked, Erica instead seemed plesantly interested in getting to know Justine from Justine's point of view.
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Post by Justine Torrance on May 30, 2009 23:57:34 GMT -5
Justine raised her eyes to look at the counselor, who was really just too pretty to be real. Without meaning to, Justine made a snap judgement about the woman, which would actually prove to be quite incorrect. Her thought was that no woman who looked so beautiful could possibly have had any troubles in her life, so how could she hope to understand the troubles of others?
"I don't know if I'd say I'm obsessed with it," Justine replied, shrugging with indifference. "But it is the only real certainty in life, isn't it? That we're all going to die. And each day of living, we move closer to death."
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Post by Erica Raines on May 31, 2009 0:17:32 GMT -5
She nodded, "It's a fact many people have a hard time facing." her voice was solemn as she confronted her own personal demons. "But though it is inevitable men and women constantly try to prolong the final date afraid of what's on the other side. Acts of desperation trying to elongate their lifespan, trying to reach for more, all the while ignoring what they have." Her eyes found Justine's, "Our time on earth may be short, but our lives don't have to be shorted because of that. You have a rare gift Justine." she said sincerely treating the girl as an equal.
"You know you're going to die, and you've accepted that, which is something most people will never be able to do. Were you to find something to make that short time seem worthwhile, you would be truly blessed, and were you to fill that short time in another's life, then no matter how short their life is it has at least been filled, in some part, by you." she swallowed and her eyes lowered, she often thought of her husband as all this death surrounded them and she tried to say what he would say.
"We have the most curious ability to make life what we wish it to be simply by thought. That's not to say that we can wish for the moon and the stars and that they will appear within reach, but rather we can realize what a blessing it is to simply be able to see them. Everything in life is a gift, our mortality is what makes those gifts more precious than anything else."
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Post by Justine Torrance on May 31, 2009 23:37:05 GMT -5
Well, that was the very problem, wasn't it? For Justine, death was easier than life. She had yet to find that thing that made her life worth living, whether it was a person, an interest, a talent, a potential career. She was so hung up on the idea of dying that she had never really bothered to live.
"My parents died in a fire when I was two," she said. "Somehow I survived, against all odds... barely even injured. I had no one... so I was sent to an orphanage. When I was 9, an epidemic broke out in the orphanage, and a dozen kids died, including both of my roommates. I never even got sick. And then in Hogsmeade, the death eater was aiming for me and Jason jumped in the way and died in my place. Three times. Three times I should have died, and yet I'm still here and I can't help but wonder... why?"
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Post by Erica Raines on May 31, 2009 23:58:16 GMT -5
"I don't have those answers for you. Somebody might try and tell you that it's because you haven't done what you're supposed to do yet, and perhaps that's the truth. Someone else might try and convince you scientifically that you are a product of natural occurance and that there's nothing wrong with you surviving. Fate or science, the only certain thing is that you're still alive, and perhaps thats harder to face." she said reading into her own thoughts.
"Death is easy, you don't have to do anything, it's living that's hard. Living and seeing those you love leave you, disappoint you, living and disappointing others. It's a large responsibility, life, but looking past the work, past the sorrows, it can be more than rewarding."
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Post by Justine Torrance on Jun 1, 2009 0:33:27 GMT -5
This woman had hit the proverbial nail on the head, and it was almost too much for Justine. By sitting around waiting for death, she had never learned how to live. One almost wondered why she hadn't tried to kill herself, although the thoughts had been there in the back of her mind many times. She would have no one who even missed her. Jason might have been the only one who would have cared, and he was dead. He'd died so that she could live. And sometimes she wished she could just shake him and ask him why.
Justine blinked back tears. "Death surrounds me.... it envelops me, teasing me... but it won't take me. And life... it's like this bright shining light that hurts my eyes... always just out of reach. I don't know how to be whatever it is that I'm supposed to be... I don't know what that is."
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Post by Erica Raines on Jun 1, 2009 0:48:59 GMT -5
"Not knowing who you are, or who you're supposed to be, is part of the journey Justine. Everyone's searching for those answers just as you are. Some people find it in the people they surround themselves with. Jason, he found it in you. You gave his life meaning, enough meaning that he was at peace with himself when he died. He had something to die for, but before knowing it, before knowing you, he was just as lost as you are now. As we all have been at one point in our lives."
She saw the girl holding back tears and something inside of her ached at the young woman's sadness, " Rather than seeing death as a teasing entity meant to punish you, perhaps you could believe that it has tried to take you, and has failed because life refuses to relinquish it's hold on you. The wonderful things that make living worth something are still there waiting for you to find them, and at your own speed. You don't have to be anything than what you are, because who you are supposed to be, is the product of where you have been, what you have experienced, and what you feel deep inside of you. Death does not tease you, you tease it. Tease it further by refusing it's hold, by not letting it take you, and by knowing that when it finally does, you have not spent what moments of life you've had in anxiety over what's to come, or regret for what you could have done. And that is a life anyone could find worthy."
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Post by Justine Torrance on Jun 5, 2009 0:45:31 GMT -5
It all sounded pretty. It also sounded hard. Justine couldn't help but think that the reason she was so drawn to death was because she failed at life. Death was the great equalizer, there was no pass or fail. It was what it was. it was absolute and final.
"Jason was an idiot," she said, hardening. "He should have let me die. Now his death is on my conscience, and I can't ever be free of him. I have to make his sacrifice mean something and I don't know how. It's pointless."
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Post by Erica Raines on Jun 5, 2009 8:09:59 GMT -5
"You would give your life for him," Erica said matching a no nonsense tone. She had used empathy and understanding to lure Justine's thoughts to the surface, really just to reach the girl, and yet there was more to Erica, "not for Jason, but rather because death is something easy. Trying to live life, and find some sort of purpose for yourself is hard. But I tell you, you don't envy Jason's death, you envy his purpose, that he had something worth dying for. Regardless of how much worth you place on your life, someone else valued it over their own, you don't know how to see that in yourself, and it kills you to think that it was a mistake. That Jason judged incorrectly and now you're somehow responsible for his death because your life isn't worth what his was."
Her eyes sought Justine's, "But his death is not on your hands Justine. He chose his course. He has given you time. Time to understand, time to figure out, time to simply be. And for you to simply have that time is what his sacrifice was for. It is all he wanted his sacrifice to be. You don't have to discover a passion and embark upon a quest for fulfilment, you need simply be who you are, learn what you are able to, and enjoy what you can, love where and whenever you are able. Live."
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Post by Justine Torrance on Jun 5, 2009 11:30:29 GMT -5
That made a lot of sense, but Justine really didn't want to hear it. She was a teenager, after all, and all she really wanted to do was feel sorry for herself and wallow in her own angst. So, like any angsty teenager, she turned against the wise, helpful adult.
"That's easy for you to say," she said, her voice shaking slightly. "Look at you. You're like... a goddess or something. I bet you wake up every day with a smile, feeling a strong sense of purpose. I bet everywhere you go, men open doors for you and buy you drinks. What do you even know about how hard life can be?"
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Post by Erica Raines on Jun 5, 2009 14:09:55 GMT -5
Erica let out a delicate laugh at the absurdity of such a statement. "I don't know a single person who has it that easy, although i'm sure there's someone out there who certainly pretends they do. But since my husband's death it's much more difficult to wake up and be that goddess you imagined. " She sighed shaking her head, the point of these sessions wasn't to talk about herself or her history, however trying to understand Justine, she realized that the girl felt very alienated. Self-righteous perhaps in her own sense of agony she believed no one could touch.
By sharing a bit of her own history perhaps she could reach Justine, surely the girl would see it as only fair that she should have to share as well.
"Very well." she said deciding, " When I was your age I knew exactly what my purpose in life was." she nodded solemnly, " I was to be a broodmare for some man I probably wouldn't even know. My purpose in life was to look pretty, to attract the most eligible suitor, to marry, and to have children. There was no choice in the matter. No discussion of what I would have wanted for my life, my path was decided for me by society. When I was twenty years old and still on the shelf I entertained the idea that perhaps my father would allow me to choose my own husband, and my own life. Naively I thought that I could be a teacher. Little did I know that he was simply waiting for the largest offer for my hand in marriage. He married me to a man who was thirty years older than myself." indeed that might have sounded awful however her voice softened as she began to talk about her husband.
" I never imagined my father capable of something so cruel, and I was prepared to hate my husband." she smiled a bit tearily at the memories, then her voice became a bit brittle, " As it turned out... my husband was a wonderful, wonderful man." her lip trembled, " He gave me new life. New purpose. Those were the days that I indeed woke up every day with a smile, feeling a strong sense of purpose, my purpose was to take care of him. He was my best friend you see...I loved him very much. I'll never forget the lessons he taught me, nor how much I was loved. He was very sick during the last year of our marriage. I tried everything I could..." her focus had completely left the room as if she were caught in the past once more but shook herself out of it, " We faced his illness together. I watched death slowly take him from me, and afterwards I was alone. Most days that is how I wake up feeling."
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Post by Justine Torrance on Jun 5, 2009 14:36:46 GMT -5
"Oh...."
Justine instantly felt horrible. She had made an assumption about the counselor that had been completely unfair. It was selfish of her to assume that she was the only one who had experienced pain and loss. And it was shallow to accuse the woman of having everything easy just because she was beautiful.
"I'm very sorry," she said. "I didn't know. Is... is that why you became a counselor?"
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Post by Erica Raines on Jun 5, 2009 14:50:42 GMT -5
Erica sighed shaking her head, "I suppose." she was thinking about her words before she continued, " I always wanted to teach. My husband wanted me to follow my dreams, and after he died. I guess I felt lost. Here, speaking with you, and other students, I'm reminded of him. I don't think I'm half as wise as I pretend to be, I just...I think of what he would tell me were I to come to him with a problem, he always knew what to do. Yes, he was a very good man."
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Post by Justine Torrance on Jun 7, 2009 1:06:28 GMT -5
"He sounds like he was a great guy," Justine said. She couldn't quite help the little stab of--was it jealousy?--that she felt on hearing about this man that she loved. She had lost him, but his effects still lingered in her life. He was, in a very real sense, still with her. Would Justine ever make that sort of difference in anyone's life? Would she be remembered when she was gone?
"So... OK. Well, all this is very well and good and everything, but how am I supposed to find whatever it is that will give my life meaning? I'm not good at anything. I'm not a beauty queen, I'm not even very good at making friends. Nothing you can say is gonna change any of that."
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Post by Erica Raines on Jun 7, 2009 1:19:20 GMT -5
"Is that what you see in yourself Justine?" Erica wondered what she had seen in herself before her husband had opened her eyes. She had been such a shell of a human being, with no backbone to speak of. Simply catering to her parents wishes, bending over backwards to please others and living in fear of disapproval.
"It would be my job to tell you that if you see yourself that way then you will appear that way, and that is what everyone else will see, but that isn't true. My husband saw past my insecurities and he helped me despite myself. That young man gave his life because what he saw was infinately more precious to him than what you have just described. Someone maybe many someones will be able to see past the face you show the world, and perhaps one day one of those someones will help you see yourself through their eyes."
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Post by Justine Torrance on Jun 12, 2009 1:05:42 GMT -5
Justine thought it had already been established that Jason was an idiot. But she didn't say that to the woman. Instead, she tried to concentrate on something else. "The death eater who tried to kill me in the attack... he killed Jason instead, but he still had time to kill me, too. But he didn't. He just... he changed his mind. He let me go. It was weird. Do you think maybe I was supposed to die that day, and something... death or fate or just sheer dumb luck.... changed its mind?"
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