Aftereffects (OPEN)

[Erica Raines]

"I don't have those answers for you Justine. I couldn't know what fate has in store for any one of us. I do know that each day is a gift, and a blessing. It is an opportunity to love, to smile, to laugh, to cry and hate as well, but it is a mystery as far as what could happen and what does happen." she couldn't give much more of an answer than that. She had never died before, though she had wished herself dead many times foolishly. Her husband taught her to appreciate life, and she had ever since.

[Justine Torrance]

It was the uncertainty that bothered Justine the most. She could make up her mind that she wanted to live, then get trampled by a bunch of thestrals tomorrow. Life, to her, was a cruel joke. When you expected good things to happen, then bad things would happen instead. At least by expecting bad things, then she was ready.

"I just think... you know... a lot of kids went into Hogsmeade that day, expecting to just have fun shopping, and they never came back. Jason... well, Jason was following me. That was his mistake. But so many others... they just wanted to have a good time. And it's not fair that they had to die."

[Erica Raines]

"Life is hardly ever fair. I believe you know that. And the fact that we have so little control is what hurts the most. It's actually much easier to blame yourself, saying that Jason was following you, or perhaps blame Jason for it was he who decided to come after you, but the truth is it was out of both of your hands. The true blame lies on the shoulders of the attackers, but outside of that, fate is completely ruthless. And the worst part is we have no control, that can be quite devastating."

[Justine Torrance]

Ultimately, Justine realized, that was what her real problem was. It was the lack of control. She could decide to change her life, to interact more with people and to find a career path, a hobby, whatever... and then one day have it all taken away from her without warning. Or she could live her life on the edge of it, waiting for the period at the end of her sentence, only to keep waiting and waiting, her life dragging on as one long unfinished thought. Either way, it wasn't fair. How could people be expected to be in control of their lives when they couldn't be in control of their deaths? She wanted to be the master of her own destiny, to make her own choices and not have some unseen force pushing her around like a piece on a chess board.

"And how are we supposed to deal with that?" Justine demanded, now visibly upset. Tears burned at her eyes. We're nothing but God's chess pieces, and we may think we can choose how to live our lives, but it can be ripped away just like that. How are we supposed to live like that?"

[Erica Raines]

"What is the alternative?" she asked calmly, " You can spend your life hiding from death, bemoaning each moment you don't think you'll have, or you can thank God for every second he's given you. Death is inevitable, it will take you. It will take those whom you love, that's all part of life. But life in itself is a treasure, meant to be considered as such, meant to be cherished."

[Justine Torrance]

"I am not hiding from death," Justine protested. "I welcome it. I know it's coming and I just wish it would hurry up and take me, so I can stop looking over my shoulder and wondering when it'll come for me."

What she was hiding from was life. That was what scared her. She was floating along, lost and aimless. And she was afraid that as soon as she embraced life and learned to enjoy it, it would be taken from her. She couldn't quite grasp that balance that she needed to have, to accept that death could come at any time, yet learn to enjoy each moment.

"Sometimes I take sharp things and run them up and down my arm," she said softly. "I just think about how I could so easily push down and cut myself, and just die from loss of blood."

[Erica Raines]

"It seems to me Justine, that you're hiding from life." she said agreeing with the girl's inner conscience, then continued as if reading her mind.

"You're afraid that once you start to live, that life will be taken from you. You don't realize that it already has been. By refusing to live you've refused the most spectacular gift that has ever been given to you. You deny yourself the joy and the purpose of life. I don't know what life after death holds. I'd like to believe there's a better place waiting for those who deserve it. A place with no pain, and no regrets. But if there is a place after life, an eternity that awaits those who have lived, whether in a pure and blissful state, or in a monotonous existence, what will you regret more, having lived only to be taken away, or to never have lived at all?"

Erica was supposedly a professional. Professionals heard suicidal thoughts all the time and knew how to deal with it. Erica had prayed she'd never encounter anyone with suicidal thoughts, and she worried about what she said if it was the right thing or the wrong thing and how much she had pushed the person.

"What stops you?" she asked.

[Justine Torrance]

Justine didn't answer for a few minutes. She knew the answer, but she didn't want to say it. The truth was, she was a coward. For all her talk and thoughts about death, deep down in the back of her mind, she was afraid of it. The suddenness of it, the finality.... it terrified her. But what scared her most was that utter lack of control. Just knowing that all she had to do was press down with something sharp... it gave her a measure of control. It let her think, for just a moment, that she had some kind of control over her own destiny.

"I don't know," she answered softly.

[Erica Raines]

"Perhaps you should think on it." Erica said kindly. If the answer was control, if that was what Justine was looking for, then she could find it in more ways than the decision of life over death. She could take more control of her life while knowing that fate threw curve balls, she could still fight back. That was the beautiful thing, fate can't touch the truth inside of a person, it can toss a person back and forth into a storm of unreasonable means, but if a person was strong enough, they didn't have to break from it.

[Justine Torrance]

Justine released a breath. She had nothing against this woman, and maybe she did genuinely care. But Justine wasn't particularly good at letting other people support her or care about her. She'd been orphaned as a young child. She had few friends, with the exception of Severus. And the last person to say he cared about her had died to save her. It was confusing to her and she didn't know how to take it all. Whatever Jason had seen in her that was worth saving, Justine couldn't see it.

"I'm tired," she said. "Are we done here?"

[Erica Raines]

She nodded, "You're free to leave anytime you want." she said with a kind tone. Then she paused before trying to catch Justine's eyes, "You're also free to come back anytime you want too Justine."

[Justine Torrance]

It was often said that in order for a person to be helped, that person had to want to be helped. And right now, Justine did not want to be helped. This was not to say that she liked her life the way it was or that she was happy. No, she was not happy. She just couldn't imagine the concept of being happy, and she couldn't believe that her life would be any better if she changed. She was never going to be the sunshine and flowers type.

Happiness was an illusion in her mind, possibly even a sign of insanity. What was there to be happy about in life? People were being murdered for their blood status. There was anger and hatred and intolerance everywhere; what hope did any of them have?

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Justine said, getting to her feet. "I'm out of here. You can mark me down on your list or whatever."

[Erica Raines]

Erica nodded though inwardly she gave a small sigh, she knew just as well as anyone that indeed, she could only help those who wanted to be helped. Other people would just have to find their own way.