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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Nov 30, 2008 0:27:28 GMT -5
Andi ran away from Ted as fast as she could. She could hear him calling after her as she went and it ripped a hole in her heart. She wanted to turn around and run back into his arms, but she couldn't. All along, she hadn't been angry with him for what happened, but now... now she couldn't look into his face without feeling the bitter sting of what he had said and done to her. Why couldn't she forgive him? She wanted to... But it wasn't as easy as that. Her stupid pride was standing in the way.
When she realized he was chasing her, she apparated almost frantically, nearly splinching herself in the process. She apparated to the outside border of Hogwarts, then ran the rest of the way to the school, feeling like her heart would burst.
She threw the doors to the entrance hall open, and once inside the sanctuary of the castle, she fell to her knees and began to sob wildly. What had she done?
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 1, 2008 12:45:41 GMT -5
It was sheer coincidence that Rabastan found her. He was heading back to the Slytherin Common Room in the dungeons, after a little soiree that Andromeda most certainly would have disapproved of.
It took all of a half of a second for Rabastan to realize who was there, and that she was crying, and his smile dropped. He wasn't even pretending to care... he was genuinely worried about Andromeda.
"Andi," he said gently, coming to rest on his knees in front of her, putting a hand on her shoulder. "It's okay," he said. "What happened?"
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 2, 2008 0:49:06 GMT -5
He was probably the last person, with the exception of her mother, that she wanted to see at that moment. She dimly recognized his voice through the haze of her tears, and she reached out, intending to push him away. Instead, however, she moved forward, leaning against him. She felt empty and cold inside and was willing to take comfort anywhere she could find it. Even if it was in the arms of Rabastan Lestrange.
She was crying beyond reason, and was unable to form coherent words at the moment. So she just pressed against him and let her body be wracked with heavy sobs.
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 2, 2008 14:03:58 GMT -5
Rabastan didn't expect that, come to it, and it cued him in that something really bad had happened. He would use it to his advantage, of course, but he would try and help her too.
"Come on, Andi... you don't want to do this in the Entrance Hall." He stood with her, being her support so that he could get her on her feet. He wasn't sure where to take her, maybe even just off to the side where they wouldn't be noticed as easily.
"Are you hurt?"
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 2, 2008 21:51:34 GMT -5
Andi's feet were like two dead things, limp and lifeless beneath her. She stood with his help, but she couldn't make her legs move, not while she was still crying. All she could think about was that look on Ted's face when he pleaded with her to stay. Was that how she had looked when he'd lied to her that night? When he'd said those terrible words to her?
Her feelings were a jumbled mess and so was her head. She had to be crazy to have walked away from him. No, not walked, run. And now she was seeking comfort from Rabastan, of all people?
"Not physically," she managed to say in answer to his question.
No, on the outside she was fine. On the inside, she was bleeding.
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 3, 2008 14:35:06 GMT -5
Rabastan was practically carrying her, and he didn't mind. The poor girl had had enough public breakdowns at Hogwarts... he just wanted her to be able to cry in private. And he didn't want anyone else invading on his chance to be the one to comfort her.
"Was it Tonks?" he asked her gently when they were in an empty room. "Or was it someone else?" He was holding back the offer to go kill the person... he needed to know what happened first. He hoped it had been the mudblood. It would make this so uch easier on him.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 3, 2008 16:59:55 GMT -5
Andi sank down into a chair and tried to pull herself together. Her side and chest hurt from crying so hard and she felt about ready to collapse. She drew a couple of shaky breaths, then looked up at him, her face blotchy and smeared with tears. Slowly she nodded. "We... ran into each other," she said in a thick voice.
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 5, 2008 6:48:17 GMT -5
"Did he touch you, Andi?" Rabastan asked, feeling like the protective questions needed to be asked. "Did he threaten you? Or did you just fight?"
He couldn't be the one to fight her battles for her, and in this case he didn't want to. If they had run into each other and fought, to him, it meant that Tonks was keeping the charade better than Rabastan could have ever hoped for.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 5, 2008 15:19:28 GMT -5
Andi shook her head and tried to catch her breath. Sniffling loudly, she wiped her face on her sleeve, no longer really caring what she looked like to him. Nothing mattered, none of it. "No... it wasn't like that," she said softly. "He didn't... he didn't hurt me. I hurt him."
The realization of what had happened was only now starting to hit her. He'd pleaded with her to understand, to forgive, and to take him back. And she had turned and run away from him, leaving him as broken as he had once left her. Why couldn't she have forgiven him? Did she feel a pathological need to hurt him the same way he'd hurt her?
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 10, 2008 2:57:24 GMT -5
Rabastan had to hide his smile at that. He was glad she had hurt the prat. And... it meant she was playing into their game better than they could have imagined. She obviously felt guilty about it, but the point remained, she had done it. Rabastan was thrilled.
"He probably deserved it," he said, trying to sound supportive and encouraging. "It's going to be all right, Andi... whatever happens, it'll be all right."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 18, 2008 0:24:41 GMT -5
Andi sniffled loudly. 'No... it's not all right," she said, her voice faint. "He was begging forgiveness, apologizing... he wanted me back. And I wanted to say yes.... but I couldn't trust him. I love him so much... but I can't find it in my heart to forgive him. I'm.... I'm going to end up just like my mother!"
She broke down in fresh sobs at this. Her logic was spotty at best, but she was still so distraught that all she could think was that the inability to forgive made her too much like her mother. And to Andi, the threat of being like her mother was one of the most frightening things in the world. There had been times in her childhood where Andi, filled with anger and bitterness at her mother, had thought that she would rather die than be like the woman who had given birth to her. It was why she had decided long ago that she would do the opposite of whatever her mother said.
Druella Black would not have forgiven him. She would have walked away from him. Just like she had done. Andi's pain and anger were rapidly turning into self-loathing.
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 21, 2008 2:10:36 GMT -5
That wasn't what he expected to hear at all, honestly. But he was elated, in one sense. Why had she not forgiven him? He wondered if Ted had told her the whole story, how it was a set up... but even if he did, Rabastan still came out innocent. He had been in Andi's class, away from the scene and innocent by disassociation.
"If you wanted to forgive him, Andi, why didn't you?" he asked softly... maybe in her answer he would find something surprising. "And why can't you forgive him?" Especially if she knew he had been set up.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 21, 2008 12:06:46 GMT -5
Was she really about to confide in Rabastan Lestrange? Of all people that could have found her at her lowest moment, why did it have to be him? She needed to unload, and she couldn't seem to stop herself from talking to him. He was there, he sounded sympathetic and caring. Maybe he really had changed. Her mind was too muddled at the moment to question the likelihood of such a possibility.
"It's not that simple," Andi said. "He hurt me... and now when I look at him, that's all I can see. How can I trust him, after what he did?"
For that matter, how could she trust Rabastan? The sudden flicker of doubt just passed right through her mind and was gone before she had a chance to process it.
"He told me he was afraid I would regret my choice in the future, and that I should have the choice to go back to my family. But how could he doubt my feelings for him? If he could think that I would change my mind... then maybe he never really loved me the way I thought he did. I will never want to go back to my family."
This last part was spoken with such vehemence that her voice got lower and deeper in her throat. There was only one thing in the world she was sure of, and that was it. She was done with her family. She would talk to Narcissa whenever possible, but the rest of them were dead in her book.
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 21, 2008 17:37:04 GMT -5
Rabastan sighed, but he still had hope that if she was alone enough and sad enough, or that if she was with him, they could pull her back into the family. They had to make her more miserable outside of the family than she thought she was in it.
He could have told her that just because Tonks thought she didn't love him eternally, didn't mean that he didn't love her. In fact, it was probably quite the opposite, and act of puppy sick, Hufflepuff type love, but he wasn't about to side with the mudblood.
But he also had to be careful talking trash on Tonks, because she could turn a lot of it back around on him.
"Just take things a day at a time, love," He said. "Handle him, handle your family... it will be okay. I'm here if you need me."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 22, 2008 14:16:57 GMT -5
Andi took a shaky breath and began to wipe at her face. She was tired, deep down in her bones. Too tired to fight, too tired to cry, too tired even to stand up and go to her room in the staff quarters. She just wanted to curl up under a dark, cold rock and hide away for a while. But she'd done that before, after the first breakup, and it hadn't helped.
Looking up, she eyed Rabastan as if for the first time. What was he doing here? Why did he care? She didn't understand it, and she didn't trust it. She didn't know what to trust anymore.
"Why?" she asked softly. "Why are you here? Why are you doing this?"
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 22, 2008 15:36:06 GMT -5
There were the questions he knew would come, and damn him, he had answers for all of them. He was smooth, and prepared, and that made him deadly to a girl who was weak. Andi, however, was not weak, and he had to play his cards carefully.
"I just found you, Andi... and maybe there's a reason why I was the one you ran into, instead of anyone else... because I know how you feel... I've done it to you, and I will never be able to atone for that mistake. But I don't want you to think that all guys are the same. I've changed... maybe he can change too. But even if he doesn't, you'll make it through this. Helping you, if you'll let me, feels like apologizing for what I did to you."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 22, 2008 17:01:54 GMT -5
Andi stared at him suspiciously. He was saying all the right things again, giving every appearance of looking contrite and regretful and caring. But she didn't trust it. She knew him better than that. She had fallen for his act once, and she could not afford to let it happen again.
But what did he really want? Yes, it was entirely possible that he had stumbled upon her crying in the entrance hall by pure chance. But why did he care? Rabastan, as far as she had known him, never did anything unless there was something in it for him. Did he really want her back? Did he really want to make up for his past mistakes? Or did he have some other angle that she couldn't yet comprehend?
"If I can't even forgive him, I doubt I'll be able to forgive you," she said, raising her chin. "Maybe I'm just destined to be alone and miserable. That's what my mother used to say."
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Dec 23, 2008 19:30:17 GMT -5
"I know," Rabastan replied. "As much as I want it, I don't think I deserve your forgiveness. I think we all deserve a second chance, but I can understand why you won't give me one. That's okay, Andi, I promise. I just don't want to see you hurt anymore."
He gave her a sympathetic look, a look that said he was just here for her, no matter what. "It's not about me, or Tonks. It's about you and what's good for you."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Dec 27, 2008 13:35:17 GMT -5
Andi no longer knew what was good for her. Her head hurt and she was exhausted. She was tired of trying to be strong. There was still a part of her that wanted, more than anything, to run back and find Ted, to tell him that she still loved him. But she knew she couldn't do that. She had hurt him, just as he had hurt her... she wouldn't have blamed him if he never wanted to see her again. Perhaps they simply weren't meant to be.
"I think.... maybe I should just go back to my room... I need to lie down for a while," she said softly.
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Post by Rabastan Lestrange on Jan 2, 2009 3:24:13 GMT -5
She was still pushing him away and refusing his help, but she was doing it gently. Her questions and accusations were shorter and less angry now, which he attributed to her just being exhausted with everything than forgiving him, but he would keep pushing for it until she stopped questioning him.
"I think that's a good idea, Andi. Let me walk you... I just want to make sure you're all right."
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