Repentance

[Lyra Newbury]

This was stupid. Sitting in awkward silence with her best friend. How screwed up in the head was she really if she couldn't have a normal lunch with her friend? Samantha rescheduled a meeting so that the two could have some much needed time together and she was spending it sulking in silence.

After a while she had had enough. "How's school going?" It wasn't much, but it was something. And it was miles away from any topics that Lyra hoped to avoid.

[Samantha Montgomery]

"Uneventful." she answered, "Then again, I think I've been through enough of the 'eventful' school activities."

Since the Hogsmeade attack and Tournament there really hadn't been much happening at school. As predicted Sam had easily taken her place as one of the most popular girls in school. Somehow she managed to juggle both school, business, and a thriving social life.

[Lyra Newbury]

Samantha was thriving while Lyra was floundering. That seemed about right. It had been more than a year since Lyra felt herself, now she felt as though something was pulling her down into a murky water and most of the time she didn't have the energy or the desire to fight to stay afloat.

But there was comfort in knowing her friend was doing well. She gave a short, nasally sort of laugh. "Yeah, if you could just make it to the end of the term in one piece we'd all be quite pleased."

[Samantha Montgomery]

Thriving was a stretch. Yes she was wildly successful in business and at school, and socially she was very popular, but everything was a little too perfect.

Samantha didn't have anyone to ruffle her feathers or break her heart the way that Lyra did, and a small secret part of her envied at least the feeling of being alive that came with knowing your heart was breaking.

"I'm more difficult to stop than one might think."

[Lyra Newbury]

"Honestly, I don't know why you're even bothering to finish the term at all. You've already got a suitor lined up. I can't even count all the little businesses you've got your hand in, not to mention Enchanted. What's the point in still going? You'd have so much more free time without it." Though Samantha would probably just fill that free time with more business ventures.

[Samantha Montgomery]

Sam gave a small smile, "I like it." she answered with a shrug. She had attended Beauxbatons and played as her mother's puppet. Hogwarts was hers.

"It's normal." she said, though she wasn't sure how to explain what she meant by 'normal'.

[Lyra Newbury]

There were still secrets, things about Samantha's life that Lyra didn't fully know about. But she knew enough to understand the girl's desire for normalcy. "You know," she laughed, "most normal teenagers aren't running fashion empires in their non existent spare time."

[Samantha Montgomery]

"I didn't say that I wanted to be normal." she defended teasingly, "Just that I wanted some of it in my life."

Sam would never be normal, and she wouldn't know what to do with spare time except try to fill it.

"Besides, with you at the office I have much more time than I did before."

[Lyra Newbury]

"And what will you do when I finally take a husband and make my parents proud? You know I'm irreplaceable." Lyra knew she would never find love. Love was foolish and if it even did exist it was only for the unattractive and poor to ensure the human race continued. Lyra was neither of those things. She would take a husband at some point, her parents would welcome her back into the family, and she would have no need to work. The Samantha would have her far too full plate again.

[Samantha Montgomery]

Samantha frowned and set her drink down, "Is that your intention?" she asked surprised.

She shrugged, "It's just that you seem happy at the magazine. It suits you."

But then Lyra was brought up believing her only worth was in being a wife, nevermind that she received much more benefits being an executive, not to mention her own personal fulfillment.

[Lyra Newbury]

"My parents wouldn't think it proper for me to work once I'm married," she stated matter of fact. "So long as my husband makes a decent wage I won't need to work. And I doubt my father would permit me back in the family if I married anyone who couldn't support me. It's really just about finding the right match."

Lyra sipped on her drink, then quickly added, "don't worry. I'll give you as much notice as possible. I just need to get everything back on track. I need to make up for what I've done to my family."

[Samantha Montgomery]

"What exactly have you done to your family?" Samantha asked tentatively. From her viewpoint not only had the Newburys abandoned their daughter to poverty, they also ignored her near death experience. Lyra didn't owe them squat.

[Lyra Newbury]

Lyra sighed and tilted her head to the side as she looked at her friend. Samantha was unbelievable. "You know perfectly well what I did," she said in a hushed tone that very nearly resembled a hiss. "I embarrassed them." And in doing so Lyra triggered a series of events that led her directly to nearly dying on the bathroom floor of her tiny little flat that she couldn't even step foot in anymore. All she had to do was find a boy, any boy who would agree to marry her. She didn't have to love the boy or even be faithful to him. She just had to be married.

[Samantha Montgomery]

Samantha's brows furrowed in confusion. How did she not see this before?

"You're serious? They abandoned you Lyra!" she said just as fiercely though her volume did not rise, she was also happy for the private booth they shared shielding any onlookers from what would have appeared to be an argument.

"If anyone was an embarrassment it was your parents."

[Lyra Newbury]

"What choice did they have? Not everyone is as wealthy as the Montgomerys or the Everharts or the Fau..." She stopped herself from saying his name as it had almost just fallen straight out of her mouth without any forethought.

"I know you've had a sh*t time growing up Samantha. I know your mother was a horrible monster and she deserved to die. I'm glad she's dead, but you have no idea what its like for the rest of us, the non-elite. And it's not your fault, your family has enough money that you lot can do whatever you please but for the rest of us, we have rules we're supposed to follow and I broke those rules. It's led me straight to where I am now and if I want forgiveness then I need a husband."

[Samantha Montgomery]

"There are plenty of parents in the world from all social backgrounds who do not abandon their children simply because they did not marry." Sam scoffed.

"Don't talk to me about choices or rules. Your parents had choices, plenty of choices. Your father could have decided to be smart with his money instead of depend on his daughter to marry someone wealthy to keep your mother in gaudy decor. It's not money, it's greed. For some people enough is never enough, but money doesn't mean sh*t if you treat the people in your life like assets. And while you might not have had a choice before, you certainly have one now. But if you want to throw everything you've worked for away to become some man's trophy wife just to please the people who couldn't be bothered to see you when you nearly died, I suppose that's your business."

Samantha had fought tooth and nail for her freedom. She knew more about rules and structures in society to last a lifetime, and the hell there was to pay if she broke those rules. She managed everything she did so well because she was programmed to, she wouldn't know how to fail, because the consequences of breaking those rules was torture worse than death. But she had long ago stopped wishing to please her mother, she would never trade her accomplishments to do so either.

[Lyra Newbury]

"What's the better alternative? Wait around for the bastard who left me when I nearly died? At least if I become someone's trophy wife my parents will love me. That's more than Julian ever did!"

[Samantha Montgomery]

"I agree that Julian's actions were deplorable, but at least his abandonment was meant for your own good as opposed to discarding you because you ceased to be of use." Samantha replied. She disagreed with Julian's actions. The pure pigheadedness of him thinking that Nik would betray him like that after all this time, to say nothing of the girl who was head over ass in love with the man.

"And if you think your only options are between him and your parents, you're clearly short selling yourself. Did you ever stop to think that instead of being good enough for them, that they might not be good enough for you? Why do you want their approval so badly in the first place? If your parents couldn't love you for yourself, they wouldn't love you because you got married and became a trophy wife, they would love the imagined status and wealth you added to their name."

[Lyra Newbury]

Lyra had made a huge mistake. She should not have said Julian's name. It came off spiteful in her mouth but hearing it from Samantha's tongue made Lyra's eyes water. She didn't want to feel this, any of it. She didn't want to be angry and bitter and sad and hopeless but that was what happened when she acknowledged his existence. It was all still so fresh and no number of men between her thighs was making it go away. Time continued on at the same pace as it always had no matter how far in the past she wanted that man to be. It hurt.

Why? Why did she want her parents approval? "Because they're my parents and they're supposed to love me! He was supposed to love me!"

[Samantha Montgomery]

The simple fact of the matter was that Lyra didn't love herself. She didn't see her own worth and therefore she let others define who she was and what value she held. Her parents valued her only as much as she could bring them fortune and prestige through a good marriage. Julian loved her, but he too struggled with his own perception of self. He realized how badly he could hurt her as she would never draw a line with him. Her self harm had terrified him, and knowing he was the cause absolutely broke him. He would never believe himself worthy of her. He would never forgive himself for what he had done.

Samantha couldn't answer her at first. She didn't understand it any better than Lyra did. Her own mother hated her, and she should have loved her most. She had made many men fall in love with her, but she loved none of them in return. Love was an enigma, and Sam for all her beaus and admirers couldn't explain what made a person love another person.

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."