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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 16, 2016 1:49:31 GMT -5
Her heart beat a little faster as his thumb traced the outline of her jaw. "How do you see these things in me when I can't even see them for myself?" she asked in amazement. Julian always had faith in her. Even in her darkest moments he saw everything good about her.
“I was so down before I didn’t think I’d ever get back up. But you knew better. You acted as though I could fly if I just put my mind to it. You gave me the courage to believe I might be capable of something more than what my parents had raised me to expect from myself.” That moment many months ago when he found her darkest secret and still stayed with her, that was quite possibly the moment she truly fell for Julian, even if she wasn’t ready to accept her feelings at the time.
Lyra’s eye contact faltered and she fidgeted with the buttons in Julian’s shirt. “I’ve been struggling with finding my courage lately, though. I’ve been afraid a lot. Ever since that man…” Thinking about the masked man reaching for her and forcing her out of the carriage as she screamed in terror made Lyra’s heart start to beat faster. She looked back at Julian and reminded herself that she was safe with him.
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 16, 2016 2:08:09 GMT -5
Julian watched her as she touted his ability to give her courage and confidence. He inwardly called himself weak at having to use a charm to feign his own courage and confidence in the moment. But as her praise continued that confidence became real as he realized he had inspired her. If all else failed in their relationship, he had at least done one good thing for her.
His mood took another dangerous turn when she mentioned the man who attacked her. His grip hardened slightly out of reflex.
"Sorry..." he apologized loosening his hold. Once again he cursed himself for not being there. He blamed himself.
"I wish you never had to think about that Lyra...I'm so sorry I wasn't there."
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 16, 2016 2:18:42 GMT -5
Her heart continued to race as Julian apologized for doing absolutely nothing wrong. He couldn't always be there to save her. That thought made her throat tighten. Lyra counted silently to three, taking a deep breath with each number; a technique her therapist suggested she try when she first feels the fear coming on. It was supposed to help stave off the smaller attacks if she did it early enough. And sure enough, Lyra felt better as she continued to watch Julian’s eyes flick back and forth as he looked into hers.
“I’ve been seeing a psychologist about it, actually,” she admitted, her gaze once again focused on anything nearer the floor. “Nik thinks it may help, and Sam helped me find a good one. He’s really very nice but I sort of thought he’d talk more.” Lyra chewed on her lower lip as she looked up at him through her lashes, trying to gauge his reaction to the news that she was seeking help for her issues.
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 16, 2016 2:26:03 GMT -5
An obscure expression crossed his face as she mentioned the word psychologist, but it was gone the next second.
Still it was as though a filter had cut her off from him. He tried desperately to pull himself out of his own personal experience and focus on Lyra's needs.
"Well, I'm sure Nik and Sam have your best interests at heart."
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 16, 2016 3:11:19 GMT -5
Lyra pulled back at his comment, looking up at him with a furrowed brow as she chewed on her lower lip. His reaction confused her and she wasn't sure what to make of it.
"D-do you think it's a bad idea?" she asked concerned. It had taken a lot for her to admit that she needed help and while Julian hadn't been made aware of all of it, he knew she was standing at the edge of a cliff waiting for a reason to jump, or rather a reason not to jump. But now Julian had her second guessing her decision to seek help. What if Nicolas was wrong? What if there was nothing she could do to help Julian and she was only driving a wedge further between them now?
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 16, 2016 16:08:58 GMT -5
Julian was aware of the impact he had on Lyra's moods and decisions; it was a heavy burden. He tried to answer her without prejudice.
"I think that if you think it's a good idea, then it is. I think that Nik and Sam wouldn't recommend it if they thought ti was a bad idea, and I trust their judgement." a hell of a lot more than he trusted his own.
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 16, 2016 21:37:27 GMT -5
His response didn't actually answer her question. Nik was the one that suggested she work to fix her issues in the first place, and Sam wanted her to get any help she could to feel better. But Julian didn't seem to like the idea himself. What was she supposed to do?
“I don’t like being anxious all the time, Julian. And truthfully, quite stupid things work me up for no reason at all and then I can’t breath and everything starts to…” She stopped herself. Lyra knew if she kept explaining it would only make Julian more concerned for her which was the last thing she wanted. He needed to focus on himself; Lyra was too much of a distraction.
“You make me feel so safe, Julian.” She stepped closer to him again and pressed herself against his chest, her eyes slowly closing as she felt his strength surround her. "But it’s not fair for me to rely on you to keep my fears and anxiety at bay. I know it’s hurting you and I shouldn’t need to have you around to feel safe. And I don’t want to be forced to rely on wearing some silly jewelry to cope with my life, either. I didn’t used to need anything other than me to feel confident and I want to get to that point again. I think I owe it to myself."
She looked up at him, pleading for his advice and support. "So if you have any alternatives to seeing a therapist I'm listening. I just want to feel better, and I know that will make you worry less." Lyra had begun to suspect that Julian's new piece of jewelry worked in a similar manner to her own jewels. She had never seen him wear that ring before, it wasn't until they actually started dating that he suddenly couldn't be without it.
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 16, 2016 23:39:59 GMT -5
He felt like an ass for making her doubt herself further, and fiddled with the ring on his finger when she mentioned charmed jewelry.
Finally he sighed, "I have...a history with therapy." he said in explanation, "And I hate that I can't be there all the time to make you feel safe all the time. I want you to feel safe even when I'm not around. I want you to be confident."
How had they slipped so far from who they had been?
"I think it's right."
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 16, 2016 23:56:31 GMT -5
Lyra placed a hand on Julian's cheek. She knew he wouldn't talk about his previous therapy experiences, he didn't like talking about anything uncomfortable with her. He was too closed off and thought she was too fragile. Maybe she was, but she also loved him and just as Julian hated to hear that Lyra ever thought poorly of herself, Lyra hated to hear that Julian had ever had rocky experience with anything. Especially something that could have possibly helped him to finally put Belle's memory to rest so they could simply be with each other.
She knew he would avoid the topic, but Lyra loved him too much to not try to learn everything about him.
"Was it losing her? Was that why you saw a therapist?"
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 17, 2016 0:07:13 GMT -5
Julian quickly shook his head no.
He was more than hesitant in sharing his history with her, not out of a desire to keep a distance, but because of the shame. He liked the way Lyra looked at him as though he were a white knight.
"It had nothing to do with Belle. It happened a long time ago."
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 17, 2016 0:19:15 GMT -5
Julian would always be her white knight. He had saved her from being a social pariah before they even really knew each other, and he had saved her again when her family abandoned her. Hell, he even came for her when she had been too drunk to recognize mouthing off to even drunker men was not a good idea. There was nothing he could have done that would diminish his white knight status in Lyra's eyes.
She stroked his cheek with her fingers and looked into his eyes. She didn't push the subject, but she didn't change it either. She simply waited, hoping he'd share a piece of himself with her.
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 17, 2016 0:29:26 GMT -5
It was probably the reason he had reacted the way he had when Belle died. Rather than dealing with her death and his grief, he buried it beneath a mask of civility and old chivalry, becoming the quintessential white knight, until prodded too deeply.
He kissed her forehead and brought her close against his chest. He wouldn't share with her, not yet, but letting her see that something had affected him was progress.
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 17, 2016 1:01:03 GMT -5
She wrapped her arms around his still thinner than normal body, feeling his well defined muscles. He was eating when they were together, Lyra was tiny but she enjoyed eating, especially sweets and Julian indulged her as always. But he'd lost weight when they were in their horribly awkward transition stage and Lyra still wasn't certain he was taking care of himself properly whenever she wasn't with him. Some days she could taste the alcohol on him by the time he arrived, though he was always clean and dressed handsomely.
Lyra was only mildly disheartened when Julian didn't say more, but she had been expecting him to avoid the conversation. She had hoped to use Dr Nadeer's silent tactic to get Julian to talk to her as Dr Nadeer had gotten Lyra to talk in their sessions, but Lyra inherently enjoyed talking and hated awkward silences and pregnant pauses. The ringing of the oven timer both saved her from the silence and ruined the moment she was sharing with Julian.
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 17, 2016 1:12:39 GMT -5
He managed to smile, even though he was reluctant to let go of her and check on their food. Lyra was getting the help she needed, and that was important to him. He needed help too, but he didn't have a direction to turn.
"I think it's ready."
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 17, 2016 1:22:58 GMT -5
She nodded absentmindedly at his statement and stood waiting for a second before she gave a small jump. "Oh! That's me. I'm supposed to do that," she said as she realized it was her cooking lesson they were still participating in. She laughed at herself and made a comment about being glad that she was a blonde now so she could blame things on her hair color.
Lyra picked up the oven mitts that rested on the counter and pulled open the oven. "It looks like a real pizza," she mused aloud with a giggle. "Where should I put it?"
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 17, 2016 1:45:51 GMT -5
Julian laughed. He watched her be effortlessly beautiful and endearing and the next words fell from his mouth without a single thought in his head, "I love you."
He did.
She was a soothing balm to a scarred soul. Her joy at simple things, and childlike wonder filled him with a sense of hope and warmth. Even broken she was beautiful. He loved everything about her.
And yet love wasn't enough. He was still so incredibly broken himself and moments like this didn't make up the whole.
As if he realized what he said and the weight it carried he coughed and cleared a space on the dining table, "Um, just bring it over here."
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 17, 2016 2:22:56 GMT -5
She turned from the oven, leaving the door hanging open as she wasn't sure how to close it while holding the pizza tray with both hands. She smiled happily at the meal she had made when Julian's words stopped her in her tracks. Her smile faded to something akin to shock.
She knew Julian loved her, she rarely doubted that. But all of his former confessions of his affections for her had been amidst bemoaning that he wasn't good enough for her and that she deserved something more. He'd never spoken like this to her before. He'd never said these words to her.
And almost as quickly as it had happened he tried to tamp it down.
Lyra felt something twist in her chest. Her eyes grew watery, but she maintained her poise. She took a deep breath and held it in her lungs as she moved to the table and set down the tray.
"Excuse me," she said curtly as she dropped the oven mitts on the table and quickly left to shut herself away in the bathroom. She turned the faucet on to drown out the sounds of her heavy breathing as she looked into the mirror. What was she supposed to do with that now?
Lyra confessed her love for Julian almost daily and she knew he felt the same in return but somehow actually hearing it made it more real. And that meant she was doubting if she could actually call off their relationship for the sake of Julian's sanity. She pressed her palms onto the cool counter and stared at her reflection, her breathing heavy but her charms working to keep her anxiety in check. For now.
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 17, 2016 2:34:47 GMT -5
"Sh*t. Lyra-" He sprang into action as Lyra left for the bathroom and reached it just as the door shut.
He ran a hand over his mouth, then settled his hands on his waist while looking around the room. He hadn't meant to confess his feelings for her, nor confuse and hurt her further. He was an ass.
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Post by Lyra Newbury on Dec 17, 2016 2:47:17 GMT -5
She didn't have her wand, she couldn't apply a vanity charm and effortlessly pretend everything was fine. She had to work at it. Lyra splashed water on her face and counted her breaths silently again. She took one final deep breath, dried her face, and pulled open the door.
"Just needed to wash up," she lied unconvincingly as she pushed past him.
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Post by Julian Faust on Dec 17, 2016 2:54:41 GMT -5
He caught her wrist as she moved past him and prevented her from walking away. Her lie was a bad one, even for someone who couldn't read her as well as Julian could.
"Lyra."
He had realized his mistake and was quick to address it, even though it was hard for him.
"I meant it." he confessed, "But you knew that."
He pulled her toward him so she was facing him. It wasn't that he wanted to tamp down the words, as much as he wanted them to be perfect when he said them to her. He wanted it to be special, like she was to him.
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