New Year, Old Regrets (Openish)

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

(Was thinking Neil, but whoever)

It was a new year, finally. Sixth year had ended on a pretty miserable note for Bobby, estranged from her sisters, certain that she wasn't going to hear from Rabastan again.

But she had. He'd owled her over the summer, and though she hadn't seen him, she was heartened that he was keeping in touch. It was a surprise to her, then, when she showed up for her first day of 7th year, and Rabastan had been there. She saw him first as an assistant in one of her classes, and again when he caught her in the hall and pulled her into a dark corner. It made the whole summer of avoiding Linny and Callie fade away- avodiing them at home had been terribly difficult and annoying, and it involved their father, too, since he witnessed it.

But here, it was easier.

She was in the owlery, sending a letter off to her father, when she heard footsteps coming up, and she stepped to the right to be polite and stay out of the way. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon, and she had nowhere to be, so she wasn't in a rush to leave.

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

If Bobby had stopped trying so hard to avoid her sisters, she might have noticed what was painfully obvious to everyone else. Callie had been unusually quiet and almost meek ever since that fateful encounter with Rabastan. She was seldom seen without a book in front of her face these days, and was going out of her way to avoid just about everyone except Linette. Linny, was, of course, the only person she had told about the incident with Rabastan. Her father had attempted to get it out of her over the summer, but she wouldn't budge.

She had hoped she could finally put it behind her this year, but the longer Bobby continued to avoid her, the more it dragged out her misery. And when she walked into Hogwarts this year and saw Rabastan sitting at the Professor's table as the new assistant to Professor Rothschild, Callie nearly died. It seemed like she couldn't escape the man. Bobby was apparently still seeing him, too, if the rumors were true. That was all she had to rely on these days, because her own sister wouldn't even talk to her.

In a desperate attempt to escape from him, at least a little bit, Callie had dropped dueling. She hated that she was reduced to this, but until she and Linny could figure out how to get Bobby to come back to them and away from Rabastan, Callie didn't trust herself around him.

Because the terrible truth was, she thought about that kiss every time she saw him. It made her shiver and ache inside. And then she felt that horrible guilt sweeping over her. She really almost hated herself right now, and it was even worse, because she didn't have Bobby to talk to.

After a difficult meeting in which she lied about her reasons for dropping dueling (because she couldn't bring herself to admit that she was dropping it because of a boy), Callie was feeling particularly emotional. Now she was on her way up to the Owlery to send a letter to her father--more lies. She didn't want him to worry, so she told him that everything was fine and she was doing well. But she wasn't doing well... not at all.

She sniffled softly as she walked into the owlery and passed the other person who was standing there without looking at her. Instead, she looked up at the roosting owls, trying to find the family owl, lovingly known as Louie. Not seeing the owl, she cleared her throat and called the owl's name, just in case she was hiding.

"Louie!"

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby froze.

Her sister obviously hadn't seen her, so it would be so easy to make a clean getaway- just keep moving and rush down the stairs. Something had her frozen in her spot, though, and she couldn't make herself go.

She still didn't believe she did anything wrong, and she was still angry with both of her sisters. Proving them wrong wasn't even enough- her relationship with Rabastan was already lasting longer than most of his "relationships," so who were they to tell her it was wrong? He made her feel pretty and wanted, and that's all she really wanted right now. Did she think it was going to last? No, probably not. But it wasn't up to Callie or Linny.

That being said, it felt awfully big of her when she sighed, rolled her eyes to herself, and then quietly said, "Louie's halfway home by now. I didn't know you needed her."

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

Before Bobby even spoke, Callie knew it was her. It was the sigh that did it... she'd know it anywhere. But she didn't look at Bobby until she spoke, half expecting that Bobby would walk out without saying a word to her.

Callie couldn't help the tear that filled her eye at the sound of her sister's voice. Merlin, how she'd missed her...

"Bobby," she said, turning to face her. The letter was forgotten now--it was all lies, anyway. What mattered was that Bobby had spoken to her for the first time in what seemed like months. And while the owlery wasn't exactly the place she would have pictured their "reunion," Callie couldn't let the chance slip away.

"I'm really sorry," she said. "About everything. Please... just talk to me again. Please? I need you."

The absolute worst thing about the dreadful "incident" with Rabastan was that he evidently hadn't even kept his half of the bargain--the bargain that Callie hadn't even realized she was making. He hadn't convinced Bobby to talk to her sisters, and for all Callie knew, he hadn't upheld the other part of the bargain, either. But she decided in this instant that none of that mattered. They just wouldn't talk about Rabastan at all. It would be easy enough for Callie, because he was absolutely the last thing in the world she wanted to talk or think about.

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby braced herself for whatever Callie would say to her. She didn't suspect it would be nice, or even remotely a peace offering, so she was surprised when she was proved wrong. That apology was the last thing Bobby expected to hear from her.

Her shoulders dropped, her whole stance a little less tense. They were still a whole room apart, but all Bobby wanted to do was hug her sister. Callie took a step by apologizing; Bobby could meet her half way by crossing that room. So she did, taking steps forward until she'd closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Callie.

"I missed you."

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

Years ago, the triplets had made a pact with each other. They had sworn that no one would ever get between them--especially not a boy. But somewhere along the line, they had broken that promise and let Rabastan Lestrange, of all people, get between them. But no more. Callie decided that, whatever he had done, she was not going to give that bastard that kind of power over her and her sisters. He didn't deserve it.

She hugged Bobby back almost desperately, angry with herself for not thinking to take this simple step before. Just an apology, without conditions or explanations or any attempts to change her sister's mind. Bobby was making a mistake with Rabastan, but it was her mistake to make. And how was Callie to judge her for it, when she had, in a way, made the very same mistake? Sooner or later, Bobby wuold wind up getting hurt, and it would be better if she at least had her sisters by her side when it happened.

"I missed you, too," she said. "I'm so sorry... I never want to fight with you again, OK? Remember our vow? Never let a boy come between us again."

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby nodded, because she remembered that pact. And it made her guilty every time she saw Callie or Linny, because she knew she wasn't holding up her part of it. But they weren't holding up theirs, either, by telling her incessantly, that she was wrong.

"I know. He even told me I should talk to you," Bobby's words were rushed, almost desperate, because while she didn't know what happened to Callie, she needed her sisters, too. Somehow, she wasn't whole without them. "A lot, actually, but I just couldn't do it because I didn't want to argue. I've wanted to talk to you so many times."

The summer had been the hardest, when she was in the same house with the two of them, and didn't have an entire castle to go hide in. Linette opened her mouth once, and it made Bobby clam up for the entire holiday. It was miserable. Even fighting with them wouldn't have been this miserable.

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

So he had kept his end of the bargain. Callie felt a strange twisting sensation in her stomach at that revelation. Maybe, then, he had kept the other part of the bargain, too. It seemed impossible to imagine that Rabastan would spend so much time with a girl if he wasn't sleeping with her, but maybe... No. She couldn't allow herself to think that maybe he had changed or that he wasn't really as bad as he seemed. He was, after all, the guy who had conned her into kissing him.

"I don't want to argue with you, either. I just... I love you. I just want you to be happy, Bobby. You know that, right? And if he... if he makes you happy.... then I'm happy for you."

This last part was extraordinarily difficult for Callie to say, primarily because it was partially a lie. She still hated the thought of Rabastan with Bobby and wanted her sister as far away from him as possible. But she really did want Bobby to be happy. And she didn't want her to be a stranger anymore. So she would put up with anything... as long as she didn't have to be around the guy.

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby, in a moment of pure femininity, pulled away from her sister and wiped furiously at her eyes. Yes, she was tearing up. To make light of it, though, she laughed, and commented, "Merlin, what are we going to do when we graduate and we all go separate ways?"

It wasn't a joke. Even when she wasn't speaking with her sisters, she worried about it. They'd all get different jobs, families, commitments, and she wondered if they'd still be close. At least she was talking to Callie again, though. It meant she was closer to having her life back together.

"Let's not talk about him," Bobby conceded in a sort of, if you don't ask, I won't tell sort of way. "How's Linny? Is she angry with me still?"

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

Callie couldn't imagine a time when she and her sisters wouldn't be close. Although she usually tried to act as though she was independent of them, the truth was, Callie needed them as much as they needed her. They were all individuals, yes, but they were also parts of the same whole. They had a bond that Callie hoped would never be broken.

"We'll just all have to live next to each other," she said simply. "I never want to go another day without talking to you, or Linny."

It was inevitable that life would get in the way... but Callie was determined not to let it. If Rabastan Lestrange couldnt tear them apart, then nothing would. They'd find a way.

"Deal," she said immediately, all too eager to forget the boy in question. "Linny is fine. I think she's dating some Ravenclaw right now... I hardly see her. And she's not angry with you," she added, deliberately not pointing out that neither she nor Linny had ever actually been angry with her. They were worried about her, and angry with Rabastan. But since they weren't talking about him, it just seemed easier to let that part drop. They could just start fresh and forget about what happened. That was what Callie was hoping for, anyway.

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

"I'm okay with that," Bobby replied, thinking that their husbands would just have to deal, as well. Maybe they'd find nice triplet boys, she thought with a wry, inward smile.

"I haven't even seen Linny in weeks," she admitted, knowing this was partially her fault. She ached at the thought of it, but if Callie was willing to let everything go, she hoped Linette would be too. Though, all three of them could be terribly stubborn, a trait their father swore came from their mother, even though they never knew her. Bobby suspected a good deal of it came from him, too, though.

"Do you want to get lunch? I'm starving. And I'd like to catch up with you. The kitchens should be open."

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

When the girls were little, they used to always talk about all living together with their husbands and children, just one big happy family. Maybe that wasn't entirely practical, but Callie still pictured it that way. Although she was eager to establish an identity for herself, she knew that when it came down to it, she would never be really complete without her sisters. Their lives would always be connected in some way.

"That sounds great," Callie said enthusiastically. "I'm starving!"

Actually, she had barely eaten in weeks. She had started to avoid meals in the Great Hall because she felt like Rabastan was watching her, even though he was usually with Bobby. Instead, she often slipped down to the kitchens to eat with the house elves, all of whom she knew by name now.

Her letter forgotten, Callie linked arms with her sister and started down the stairs from the Owlery. "There is something I've been wanting to tell you," she said as she walked. Maybe Bobby could help her get up the courage to talk to Dierks again, even if she didn't know exactly why she was nervous about it.

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby nodded, glad that Callie seemed enthusiastic at the idea. She didn't want to fool herself and say that it could be this easy, that Callie, and hopefully Linny, too, would be so quick to drop all of of this, but Merlin, it sure seemed like it was. She felt like Linny would be even more easy going about this, but the knot in her stomach said she wasn't entirely sure.

"Good, I'm hungry, too."

Not even halfway down the stairs from the owlry, Callie was already talking again, and Bobby let out a little sigh. Maybe it really could be this easy. The truth of it was, she had missed her sisters so badly she ached. They grew up together, and nothing had ever come between them. She wasn't going to take all of the blame for letting Rabastan be what finally broke that bond, but there were so many times when she wanted to turn around and say something to one or both of the girls, and her own stubbornness wouldn't let her.

"Oh yeah?"

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

Callie, on the other hand, deeply regretted that she had let her own pride keep her from apologizing sooner. She was as guilty as Bobby was of allowing Rabastan to come between them. She was also letting him come between her and Dierks. What was it about him that Callie just couldn't seem to shake, anyway?

"I wanted to tell you last year," she said. "But then you were... distracted... and you weren't speaking to me. I felt so horrible about everything that I kind of ruined things for myself. I bet he won't even talk to me now, but... I kind of..." She trailed off, feeling strangely nervous. It was silly to feel this way, right? This was Bobby.

"I liked a boy. Well, I still like him, but I felt weird about it... not being able to talk to you and all. So I've been avoiding him. I don't know what to do, and I can't take dating advice from Linny."

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby shook her head. "You stopped dating him because you couldn't talk to me? I know I didn't hear that right."

Callie, of the three of them, was easily the most independent. While they did nearly everything together, Callie still made it known that she could do things on her own, if she wanted.

"You don't need Linny's approval or mine about a ... Boy." She trailed off, letting the last word hang in the air. It was going to be desperately difficult not to talk about Rabastan, but they would figure it out in some way.

Feeling completely out of touch with Callie, Bobby asked, "Who is it? I feel like I should already know. When was the last time you saw him?"

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

What would Bobby say if she knew that Callie had kissed Rabastan? That fear, the terrible shame of it, gnawed at Callie to the point where it was hard to even look her sister in the face. Maybe that was why she had let things get so distant between them--she was not hiding from her sister, but from her own shame.

Because the terrible truth of it was, Callie still found herself thinking of that kiss from time to time--in her quiet moments just before she went to sleep, while daydreaming in class, and even while she was studying sometimes.

She liked Dierks--a lot. But Rabastan made her feel something scary and dangerous and oh so addictive.

"It's sort of... it's complicated. It wasn't just because I couldn't talk to you... I guess I sort of got scared." She gave a short laugh and shrugged. "I know, I know... I'm the one who tries to pretend I'm all tough and independent and not afraid of anything. But you know me better than that..."

She bit her lip nervously, taking a breath. "It's... well, do you know Dierks Brooks? Wait. Of course you do. Um... anyway. It's him."

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby smiled softly. "I know Dierks. I like Dierks." She chose not to comment on the rest of what Callie had said, not sure how to address that fear.

There was a boy who made her afraid, and it wasn't Rabastan. And maybe nervous was a better word, except that when she was with Neil, she felt calm- just so out of place.

It was easy to date a boy like Rabastan. The attraction was present in tidal waves. There was something to be said for the thrill she got when he so much as touched her. There was less to be said, for now, about the way she felt like she was home and free to really be herself when she was talking to Neil. It just was.

So while she couldn't relate completely to Callie, she got it. Finally, she asked, "What exactly are you afraid of? What did he say that spooked you?"

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

Callie was forever the one in between--not as confident as Linette, and not as sweet as Bobby. And while she didn't exactly want to be either of them, she was still struggling to figure out exactly where she did fit in between them. The idea of a relationship was hard, because she was never really sure if anyone would be into her, because she wasn't really all that sure who she was, really. She had tried to establish an identity for herself, but she knew perfectly well that most of her tough girl confidence was fake. In reality, she was more like Bobby than she was like Linny, except that while Bobby generally believed the best in people, Callie usually expected the worst. She didn't have Bobby's innocence or sweetness, and as a result, she didn't trust as easily.

"Nothing. He didn't say or do anything wrong at all. He's sweet and kind and gentle... and perfect. And that's the problem, because I don't trust it. There's got to be something wrong, right? Like maybe it's not really me he likes, but it's really you or Linny and he thinks he has a better chance with me?"

She sighed, realizing that it sounded stupid. And really, while there was some truth to this, it was also not really the problem. The real problem was her dangerous attraction to Rabastan--and the fact that he was currently dating her sister. But they had (silently) agreed not to mention his name, and she couldn't bear to tell Bobby that she had betrayed her by kissing Rabastan.

"I guess... I sort of don't really believe that a guy could really like me for me, you know? Does that sound stupid?"

[Roberta "Bobby" Sanders]

Bobby's lips pressed together, forming a thin line while she debated vocalizing the thoughts that came to mind. She had to, though, no matter how much Callie would hate what she had to say.

"Okay. I know I said I wouldn't mention him, but Cal... Rabastan has been really nice and sweet too, and you don't trust him either, and I know, okay? But sometimes people are just nice. There's no impending betrayal, no ulterior motives. Especially Dierks... I like him a lot, and trust me, he's not interested in me or Linny. Linny's a little too high maintenance for him, and he and I have been friends forever. It's definitely you."

Bobby, of course, had no idea how deep her naivety ran, but she did truly believe that Callie had a good one. Dierks wasn't the kind of guy to hurt someone. "You have to talk to him, though, before he moves on."

[Callisto "Callie" Sanders]

It had been easy to talk to Bobby without the shadow of Rabastan imposing on them. For a moment, everything felt the way it used to, before Rabastan had charmed his way between them (almost quite literally). But when Bobby mentioned his name and talked about how "nice" he was, Callie found herself reliving that moment, when he had reached over and tucked the stray hair from her face, then smiled at her and told her she was pretty. She felt the twisting in her stomach as she remembered the sleepy, seductive look in his eyes as he leaned in to kiss her.

Her first kiss.

As much as she tried to seem tough and independent and claim that she didn't need a man, the truth was, she was as much a romantic as Bobby. She believed in all the silly, romantic notions--the magic of a first touch, a first kiss, that giddy rush of first love. She might have been close to experiencing that with Dierks, and maybe she still could. But Rabastan had stolen that first kiss. And make no mistake, it had been a good kiss. And yet, it had also been a bad one. It was the wrong person, given for the wrong reason. It had felt amazing and exhilarating and terrifying all at once, but there was also a darker level to it--a deep shame. Shame because she had been kissed by her nemesis, her sister's boyfriend. Shame because she had been starting to have feelings for Dierks and she felt as if she had betrayed him as well. Shame because she had let Rabastan see her vulnerable side, proving to her worst enemy that she was weak. Shame that she had let him trick her into kissing him, just so he could say he had kissed all three of the triplets. And worst of all, there was the shame of knowing that in spite of all of those things and all that she knew about him, she had liked the kiss and still craved another one. She had feelings for him, and even though they were rooted in hate, she couldn't quite ignore them.

All of this came rushing back to her in that moment, and she burst into tears.

"He kissed me," she gasped through her sobs. "Not Dierks... Rabastan. I didn't mean to kiss him back and I'm so, so, so sorry. I betrayed you, and I betrayed Dierks, and I'm a horrible, horrible person. Please don't hate me..."