The Walls Come Tumbling Down (Alana)

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger couldn't quite believe it had been a week since he had finally captured Kryshna. It still seemed like it was happening; he still felt the same anxious edge, like he was waiting for something to happen. He told himself that it was because Kryshna's "handler" had not yet been caught--in fact, they still weren't sure of his identity.

But the real reason he felt so unsettled had nothing to do with the case at all. It was Alana. She was out of the hospital now, but, at the doctor's insistence, she was still taking a little extra time to recover at the hotel. So he went off to the Ministry each day without her, and often stayed so late that she was asleep by the time he got back. He only saw her for a few minutes each day... and there was a reason for that. He knew that eventually, they were going to have to talk about what she had said to him and what it meant, and he still didn't know how to handle it. He had said he didn't want to forget that she'd said it.... and he meant it. But that didn't mean he was ready to deal with it.

Tonight Rutger had been unable to find an excuse to keep him at the office later than 10:00, especially after Angelique St. Clare caught him there and ordered him to go home. So he went back to the hotel, hoping that Alana would be asleep already.

His room was dark as he unlocked the door with the curious key card that he'd only finally started to figure out how to work correctly, and switched on the overhead lights.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana was finally getting better. Not as quickly as she would have liked; she didn't like being ordered to stay in the hotel room most of the time and not return to work, but she was glad she was getting better. She had been in so much pain in the hospital, there were times she wished anything to make it go away.

The only thing she hadn't liked about being out of the hospital was the fact she hadn't seen Rutger as often as she would like. Before, he came by to visit her, but it seemed like now she was cleared to leave the hospital, he didn't feel the need to check up on her. At least, that's what she thought. She knew there was still things to do with the case; she laughed at herself when she remembered how she thought after Kryshna was caught, Rutger wouldn't be working so much.

Finally one night, she got tired of not seeing him, or getting to talk to him. She turned the lights off and sat in the living area, waiting for him. She was feeling sleepy already and had a slight headache, and the lights hadn't been helping. She smiled when she heard someone at the door, and only smiled more once she saw him after he had turned the lights on.

"Finally," she said, stretching her folded legs out. "I've been waiting to see you again."

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger should have been startled to find her sitting there in the dark, but for some reason, he wasn't. It was almost like he expected it to happen. This conversation was long overdue, and he knew that sooner or later, she was going to corner him and force the issue. He was almost relieved.

He set the stack of papers he was carrying down on the table and looked over at her, blinking against the light that had filled the room. She looked thinner to him, and still so pale. But her eyes were bright, and her smile made his heart beat a little faster. Merlin, she really was beautiful.

"Alana," he replied, allowing a slight smile to touch his lips. "I wasn't expecting to see you. Are you feeling all right?"

[Alana Kalb]

Alana was having a hard time resisting the urge to run up to him and hug him. She wanted so badly to be in his arms, even if for a second before he pried her from him. It had been a while, and she just wanted to see him up close, to memorize the way he looked at her. She had missed that.

But she was also upset. She knew he had been avoiding her since she got out of the hospital. For the first few nights she was out, she thought he had wanted to give her space; the hospital was stuffy and she was glad to be somewhere more familiar.

"I have a headache, but once I am sleeping it should feel better." she said, trying to keep the bitterness out of her voice. She could feel anger rising from her stomach, and wondered why. Surely she had not been this angry before she had seen him. "Is Kryshna alright? Has she told you anything?"

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger didn't answer right away. He looked at her, studying her face. Although he was often clueless about other people's feelings, Alana was different. Somehow, he had learned her mannerisms, her habits and tells. He didn't know how or when it had happened, because he certainly hadn't made a point to study her before. But working so closely with her all these years had given him insight that he didn't even realize he had.

And he could tell right now that she was not happy with him. Something about her tone made his stomach twist inside, yet the only indication he gave of his uneasiness was in a deepening frown.

"Kryshna is fine," he said. "I've managed to get some good information out of her, but I think she's still holding back out of loyalty."

He stopped, his eyes meeting hers. He drew in an audible breath, as if bracing himself for what he knew would come next, then he spoke. "But that's not what you want to talk about, is it?"

[Alana Kalb]

She should have been hurt by his belated reply, but Alana knew that Rutger would take his time, thinking out what to say before he explained things to her. It didn't stop her from wanting to pace around him in an attempt to make him nervous enough to blurt out what he was thinking without taking the time to process it. Instead, she settled for rocking on her heels, arms crossed over her chest.

"I was hoping she would say something..." Alana frowned as she spoke, trying to hide the disappointed look from her face. "It would certainly be easier."

Alana looked at him, her breath stopping for a moment as her eyes met his. Merlin, she had missed looking at him... "I missed you. I've felt thrown away, I suppose. You've been gone since I was released from the hospital. Have you spent all of this time still working?"

[Rutger Kilborn]

He had missed her too, and the realization wasn't even shocking to him. He realized that he'd been thinking about her, missing her all week. Without her, he felt empty inside, and now that she was standing there in front him, her green eyes fixed on him, he felt tension that had wound its way around his neck and shoulders slowly beginning to ease.

He stood there, staring at her, not sure what he was supposed to do. He felt like he was supposed to comfort her, reassure her... but he didn't know how to say the words.

"I didn't... I just didn't want to put you through any stress," he said. "You were still recovering, and..."

It was a lie. He knew it wasn't true, and he highly doubted that she was fooled. Yes, he had worried about her recovery, but it wasn't why he had avoided her. In fact, he had even known instinctively that she needed to see him, that she was probably missing him. He had avoided her because he had no idea how to tell her how terrified he had been watching her suffer in pain and fearing that she might die.

"I didn't mean to avoid you. I... I have been working a lot, talking to Kryshna and trying to arrange for her to stay here and not be sent to Nurmengard."

He sighed, and hesitantly reached a hand out to touch her arm. "I've missed you, too," he confessed haltingly.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana watched Rutger as he spoke, her eyes focusing on his mouth and then his eyes. She still took a wonder in how he spoke to her, always so careful and picking his words as if they were all guarded. Alana knew how Rutger was. Merlin, it had taken her long enough to feel as if she broke through to him on a level deeper than just being his partner. She knew the last few weeks following the mission that landed Alana in the hospital had done a lot to change their relationship. Alana could only hope that it continued changing for the better.

“There was stress involved when you began avoiding me… I felt as if I did something wrong after being released from the hospital.” She spoke quietly, an uncharacteristic sadness overcoming her voice.

She listened to him once more, nodding her head quietly as he spoke of Kryshna again. She had asked but in secret she couldn’t wait until the case was officially closed and the two of them could begin moving onto other topics. In part, Alana was tired of going over details and sleeping with one eye open out of a fear she would never admit. On the other hand, Alana had always hoped that once the case was over, Rutger would begin getting more sleep and might agree to a coffee date with Alana, or lunch, if her persistence made her lucky.

She looked down at Rutger’s hand as he touched her arm, and a blush rose to her cheeks. She thought herself silly; after everything, she blushed at the touch of his hand. She placed her opposite hand on top of his and looked up at him, clearing her throat and finding it hard to talk.

“You should stay here tomorrow… Whatever will happen with Kryshna will happen, it doesn’t have to be tomorrow. And I’m sure one of the other Aurors can question her for more! Stay here with me and keep me company. I’m so lonely without you here…”

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger watched her as she spoke, as she listened, and as she looked down at his hand when he touched her. Even a man as inexperienced in such situations as he was couldn't fail to miss the emotions that were written all over her face. And yet in many ways she was as much of a mystery to him as he was to her. He was used to burying his emotions, shoving them down so deep that he could even convince himself that they didn't exist. But Alana wore her heart on her sleeve, her emotions apparent to anyone who happened to look closely enough. Some might see that as a weakness, that she should be a little less obvious about her feelings. But to Rutger, who had been trained all too early that emotions were dirty and shameful and dangerous, to see Alana show them so openly was possibly the bravest thing he had ever seen. He wished he could be more like her, he wished he could be more of a whole person instead of one fragmented and broken inside.

"I'm sorry I put you through that kind of stress. I didn't mean to. I..."

He sucked in a breath sharply and it sounded shaky and unsteady. He stared down at her, wishing that she could read his emotions on his face like he could hers and that he wouldn't have to say what he was going to have to say. He didn't even know how to start.

"Alana..." he began, turning away and running a hand nervously through his hair. "I hated that you got hurt. It should have been me. It was my fault. I couldn't bear to see you like that, knowing that I should have protected you. When Kryshna attacked... you were all I could think about. And I know I did the 'right' thing in waiting so that I could capture her before I could go to you... But it almost killed me to do it. I have never once thought of anyone else above the mission, but in that moment... the need to help you almost cost me the whole mission. And I'm not blaming you... I just... I wanted you to understand what you... what you mean to me."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana ran a shaky hand through her hair as Rutger spoke. Merlin, sometimes Rutger’s stubbornness got to her. She wanted to tell him that none of what happened to her was his fault, but Alana knew that no matter how many times she told him, Rutger would always hold himself responsible for it. She decided to not bring that to his attention, and focus on his last statement.

“What I...mean to you?” Alana spoke quietly and unsure of herself, as if she wasn’t sure she heard him correctly. She smiled at him and gently touched his arm again.

Alana’s heart had sped up at his comment. What she meant to him… Alana had feelings for Rutger for so long, but even after everything that had happened she kept telling herself that he would never return those feelings.

“The mission had to be completed, you know I don’t blame you… Even if I had died, I know you would be upset and blame yourself more than you are now, but Kryshna would have been captured. At the end of the day, Rutger, that’s what matters.”

Alana sighed and looked away from him. Merlin, why would she say something like that… She was sure Rutger didn’t want to think of her dead. Her mind was racing and her thoughts weren’t coming out clearly. She knew, after the kiss and the hand holding, that Rutger must have had feelings for her, but to hear she almost cost him the mission… If that happened, and Alana had lived, she wouldn’t stop blaming herself.

“I think we need to talk, Rutger. Do you have time now?” She realized her hand was still on his arm, and let it slide down his arm as she spoke, lingering on his hand before pulling away. Alana walked to the couch and sat down again, crossing her legs and looking up at him, waiting for his response.

[Rutger Kilborn]

When she touched his arm, that simple, gentle touch was like nothing he had ever felt before. It felt like... coming home. He stared down at her hand, so small and delicate compared to his own, and felt an overwhelming sensation rush over him that he couldn't identify in any other way.

He had never had a home, not really. He had lived in places, but he had never really had a place that felt like a home, in the truest sense of the word. Was it possible for a person to be home? The warmth and softness and comfort she offered was as close to home as anything he could ever remember experiencing.

As she spoke, he looked up in alarm when she mentioned the thought of her dying. Clearly she wasn't understanding what he was trying to say, but the words didn't come as easily to him as they did to her. "Don't say that," he said quickly. "The mission was... is... important, but you're important, too. You're important to me."

She pulled away then, and he felt cold without her hand on his arm. He was even more puzzled when she said they needed to talk, and he watched her as she went and sat down on the couch. Was he supposed to sit there with her? Whatever did she want to talk about beyond what they were talking about right now?

"But... aren't we talking now?" he asked. "What do you want to talk about? Is it.... is it about what you said to me that night?"

He paused, looking intently at her as he struggled to form the words he needed to say. Then he began to pace, trying to work some of his frustration out. "I know..." he said at last, not looking at her. "I know you probably think I... That what you said... You probably regret saying it... thinking that it didn't mean anything to me."

He stopped pacing at looked at her again, and for once, his emotions were written all over his face. "But it did. It meant everything. You see, the last person who said those words to me died immediately after. And... And I thought you were going to do the same thing. And I couldn't... I can't lose you."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana’s heart raced as Rutger spoke. She longed to kiss him again, for him to pull her close. She wanted to feel safe in his arms. She had been thinking of all that had happened between them, and with the case. She knew, in the back of her mind, that leaving would be easiest. She could ask to be reassigned, and when she was alone in her hospital room she even thought of asking for a permanent transfer to London. That way, Rutger would go back to Germany and be rid of her, to not have to worry about her feelings or how he felt. He’d be able to go back to his normal life, spending hours at the office and worrying about cases he was on instead of worrying about Alana.

But she couldn’t do that. She would regret every second of being away from Rutger. She needed him in any way she could get him. She needed to be near him. Besides, she could never see Rutger agreeing to her transfer. And Alana would be begging to return to her old position as soon as she was in London by herself.

“I’m here, Rutger.” Alana spoke quietly, slowly, and with hesitation. She furrowed her eyebrows, wondering what Rutger had gone through. She rubbed her eyes to stall, thinking of how to go about asking him to details. She knew he most likely wouldn’t tell her. Alana respected him and knew not to push him too much. He would tell Alana things in time, if he had decided to tell her at all.

“I didn’t die, did I? I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. And I would say it again, without fear, because I mean it and I want to make sure you know that." Alana stood up and took a deep breath before making eye contact with Rutger.

“You won’t lose me. I promise. You’re stuck with me forever, haven’t I told you that before?” A small smirk formed on her lips before she chuckled. “I-I’m sorry… I understand this is hard for you, and I am not making it any easier.”

[Rutger Kilborn]

Love was a complicated, confusing topic, especially for someone like Rutger. Through all of his studies and reading, he had tried to learn about the world around him. It had, rather than making him feel a part of that world, caused him to feel separate from it, detached and disjointed, like an observer watching from above in a balloon. Learning languages, psychology, history, and biology had not helped him to really understand the world and why people kept going, even when it seemed that the world was just too evil to carry on. Even in his job, profiling killers and catching them, dealing with the aftermath of death, and trying to save innocent people--he never really felt connected. While he felt sorrow and grief for the victims and their families, and fought with everything he had to stop more people from dying, there had always been something he couldn't quite understand. That something was what made life worth living and what made death so tragic... love. It was what tied everything together, what pulled people apart sometimes, and what made it worth getting up in the morning.

Rutger had never had that, except for that brief period of time when he had been too young to remember it. It was an abstract concept he could never quite comprehend, because he'd had no experience with it. All he had was that one horrendous moment that was burned in his brain, and while it hurt to remember it, there was a part of him that had always cherished it in a strange way. He understood the depth of the sacrifice that had been made to save him, and although it hadn't worked, he still knew what it meant. To him, that was love and all he knew how to compare it to. Did Alana feel the same way? Would she have died trying to save him? Something told him that she would have, and that thought nearly broke him. All his life he had tried to be worth that depth of devotion, to be as good a person as he could possibly be, so that the sacrifice was worth it. And now, Alana was here, and she was saying these words, and he knew that she meant them. He knew he could trust her with his life, and with all the heavy secrets he carried, and that realization somehow meant everything.

Trust didn't come easily to him; in fact, he never trusted anyone completely. He always held something back. Even from Alana, there was so much he kept from her... and now he knew it was time to tell her all of it. The fact that she didn't even ask for details when he knew the questions must have been burning in her brain was just further proof of that for him. She needed to know. More importantly, he needed to tell her.

"You're not doing anything wrong," he said softly. He looked at her, wanting to touch her but somehow feeling afraid to reach out. It wasn't his usual instinct to touch another person, even her, and it always felt awkward. He had always shied away from being touched, but with Alana it was different. He almost needed her touch to give him strength.

"I know.... I know you must wonder why I never talk about... my past. And I know you want to ask about it now... And I... I want you to ask. I think... I think it's time to tell you everything. If you really... feel that way... about me... then I need to tell you why I am the way I am."

[Alana Kalb]

With each passing second, Alana grew more and more nervous. She had a ball tightening in her stomach. Had all of this been a mistake? Rutger looked nervous; had she pushed him passed where he was comfortable, and ruined things? Alana couldn’t slow her mind down.

What was taking a few minutes seemed to take a lifetime to Alana. Rutger made her usual confidence disappear, her palms sweat and her mind go a mile a minute. She wished for this to be easy, for Rutger to be able to accept that he had feelings for her, for them to move into a nice house in Germany together, have a couple of children, and live the life Alana had, at one point, wished for herself. But she knew that wouldn’t happen. She knew it couldn’t happen. Rutger was not a man to jump into decisions, Alana had learned that about him from their time working together. She knew she’d not always have him home at night with her, as he’d be at the office late but still, Alana wanted it. She wanted every and anything Rutger could give her, only if it was a couple of days a week. She had dated in her life, of course, but no one had made her feel as Rutger did. It was something that Alana couldn’t ignore, especially now after their kiss.

When Rutger began speaking, Alana visibly jumped. She smoothed her hair, hoping he hadn’t noticed her reaction to his voice, but she knew he would have noticed. It was part of their job to notice every little thing; it was a talent they weren’t able to turn on and off. While questioning murderers, every movement could be a tell, and was therefore important. She pulled her hair back with her hand and allowed her fingers to play with it as listened intently to Rutger. Merlin, she could feel she wasn’t acting as herself now. She knew seeing him again would be different, but she never thought she’d be as nervous as she was. She licked her lips before starting to speak.

“Then tell me…” Her voice was soft as she walked towards him, slowly, unsure of her steps. The thought crossed her mind that she could stumble, and he might catch her and hold her. But she dismissed the thought as she realized he might lose the confidence to talk to her, tell her she was too tired and still too weak and she needed to rest. The last thing she wanted was for this conversation to wait.

“Please tell me. Please let me know, Rutger. I care about you… I want to understand you completely. I’m here for you…” She placed both her hands on either of his arms, to reassure him and to balance herself. She looked up at him and smiled gently once more, wanting to maintain eye contact for as long as she could.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger was acutely aware of her nervousness, as he was of nearly everything about her. She probably had no idea that her moods affected him the way they did; he had only just recently become aware of it himself. Because he usually kept his emotions bottled up inside, she never noticed that when she was happy, he was more positive, and when she was upset, he was tense. Now, he could practically feel her trembling long before she even touched him. He noticed when she jumped, as though startled, and he couldn't understand why she was so nervous. Was this not what she wanted? Was he doing something wrong? Did she not really want to know about his past?

But then she was moving toward him, asking him to tell her, and he couldn't help but feel confused. Women, he realized were far more emotionally complex then men, and he might never understand her, not really. But he needed to reassure her somehow, because if she was nervous, he was never going to get through this.

When she put her hands on his arms, everything seemed to stop. There was that feeling again, that sensation of coming home, and he wanted to pull her into his arms and stay that way forever. But he needed to get through this first. They would never be able to truly be together while there were still walls between them.

"Alana," he said softly. "Don't be nervous... I need you to be strong for me, because I'm terrified. What I'm about to tell you... I have never talked about with anyone. It's too painful. But I see now that I will never be able to move on from it if I don't let it out. I'll never have a life. I used to be OK with being alone... but you make me want something different, something I never thought I would have."

She was so close, and he could feel the warmth of her skin and smell the scent of her hair, and it was too much to bear. He leaned in and kissed her softly, letting himself get lost in her for just a moment.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana took a deep breath to calm herself. She was nervous for him, worried for what he was going to tell her. She knew this was going to be much deeper than the secrets her friends would giggle out in their dorm room late at night when they should have been sleeping. She knew it was going to change her relationship with Rutger, and she had to prepare herself for it.

She looked up at him, studying his eyes. He was scared, she could tell before he had said anything to her. She tried to relax herself, but in truth seeing the look in Rutger's eyes only made Alana more nervous. What could he have to tell her? Alana couldn't even imagine what had happened to him to close him off so much.

Her heart broke for him. But she took another deep breath and smiled gently at him. She could be brave for him, she knew she needed to be and for Rutger, Alana would do anything.

Alana was surprised at the kiss, but didn't waste a second reciprocating it. She moved her hands from his arms to his shoulders, wrapping them tightly around him. She didn't want to let go, didn't want to go back to serious talks and pain and sadness. But Alana knew Rutger needed to discuss whatever was on his mind, and she knew they would be stuck in limbo about their relationship, whatever would become of it, until they talked about it.

It pained Alana to do so, but she broke the kiss. She rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes for a moment, wanting to hold onto the peace she now felt. Such a simple action had relaxed her.

"I'm here for you, Rutger." She offered a gentle smile as she moved a hand up to caress his cheek. "I'm ready for you to tell me."

[Rutger Kilborn]

If he'd had any doubts at all that he was doing the right thing, the kiss erased them all. She gave him life and strength. She had brought sunshine into his life where once there had only been clouds. He wanted to do the same thing for her, and he could only do that if he told her.

When she broke the kiss, he also felt more relaxed--or at least, as much as he ever did. He could get through this. He just had to concentrate on how it would feel once he finally had it out in the open, when he could hold her and not feel that there was a wall between them. Walls--whether meant to hold things in or keep people out--were never a good thing, and he was done with them. But that didn't mean it was easy. He had built those walls a long time ago because they were the only way to protect himself in a terrible situation. He'd only kept them up because he didn't know how to let them down, and hadn't had anyone to trust with his secrets.

But he trusted Alana, and for him, that was the ultimate compliment.

When she brushed her hand across his cheek, he closed his eyes and leaned into her touch for a moment. Then he took a deep breath and opened his eyes. There was no filter now, and the wall was shattering, so his eyes will filled with unspeakable sadness.

"OK," he said at last. "You should sit down for this. And... I need a drink."

He never drank, but this time he needed something to steady his nerves. He made his way over to the hotel's minibar, and found a small bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey. He opened it, took one long swig, followed shortly by another, then walked back and handed the bottle to Alana, in case she also needed some.

He took another deep breath, then began, "What do you know about the war the muggles call World War II?"

[Alana Kalb]

Alana watched as Rutger walked to the minibar before sitting down. She placed her hands in her lap and played with her fingers until he returned to her, handing her the bottle. She looked at the label before taking it from him. She looked into the bottle before smelling it and screwing her face up. She didn’t like the taste of many alcoholic drinks, and Firewhiskey wasn’t an exception. Still, she held onto the bottle in case she felt the need to drink from it.

“World War II?” Alana questioned. Her mother had told her what the war was about, why the muggles were fighting it, and why her family had to flee Germany for London when the fighting went from bad to worse.

“It was horrible. So many muggles died, and...and wizards, too. My mother told me stories of camps they were sent to, to be killed in.” Alana took a quick swig of the Firewhiskey and coughed a few times before placing the bottle down at her feet. “My family left Germany because of it. My mother said her and my father were the lucky ones. They didn’t have to live through any of the horrors that went on, they were safe in muggle London, hiding.”

Alana looked up at Rutger and tried to read him, to anticipate what he was going to talk about. Whether she couldn’t fathom what he went through, or her mind simply didn’t want to think about it, nothing came to Alana’s mind. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and letting her hands hang freely in a silent invitation for Rutger to take them if he needed the support.

“Why do you ask about that?” Alana kept her face untroubled, but she was scared to hear his reply.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger sighed, looking at her for just a moment before he cast his gaze straight ahead. He was glad to hear that she had been safe in England, despite the bombings and rationing that the country had endured. Her parents had definitely done the right thing in leaving Germany before the war progressed.

“I’m glad your family was safe. My family and I were not so lucky.”

He bent down and picked up the bottle, draining the last of the small flask before he was able to speak again.

“I never knew my father,” he began quietly. “From what I understand, he worked in the German Ministry as a kind of liaison with the muggle government. I’m told he tried to stop the war, or at least, he tried to keep the magical world out of it. He tried to make a deal to keep the wizarding world safe—but he was betrayed. We were dragged in whether we wanted to be or not. He was taken to a camp before I was born, and he never came back. I believe he died there, probably before I was even a year old.”

He sighed again, closing his eyes tightly as he began to speak again. “My mother was only a few months pregnant with me when my father was taken. She was a muggle, so the German authorities weren’t interested in her—they were more interested in me. They had a guard on her before and after I was born. I was told that they even tried to test my blood… They wanted to see if I would have magic like my father. When… When I was 3 years old… That was when I first used magic. I didn’t know I was doing it, and my mother… she was near where I was playing… she ran up and tried to stop me… but it was too late. The guard witnessed it, and he rushed over and grabbed me from her arms.”

His voice was starting to break here, and he gripped the side of the couch with one hand while he kept his eyes tightly closed. “She fought for me. She fought the guard, and she was screaming, and I was screaming, and the guard was yelling…”

He paused again, fighting for control as the nightmarish images flashed through his mind like the muggle motion picture he’d seen once. “The noise caught the attention of a nearby soldier. He rushed up, and tried to push my mother away, but she wouldn’t budge. She told me… that she would always fight for me and that… she… loved me… And she grabbed for me one more time, but the soldier struck her… with something… I think it was the end of his muggle weapon… and she fell back on the pavement. I just remember…. the blood seeping onto the pavement, and the look of fear frozen on her face.”

He was shaking now, and wished he had grabbed a second bottle from the minibar. But somehow he had managed to get it out. This was the part of his past that absolutely no one knew about and that he had never talked about with anyone. But he remembered every terrifying moment of it, as if it had only just happened. It was the moment he relived every time he was near a dementor.