The Calm Before The Storm (Alana)

[Rutger Kilborn]

If Rutger knew how to laugh, he might have laughed at this question. Something bothering him? As if it was something simple that had a simple solution. It wasn't a problem that could be fixed... it was his whole life. He couldn't explain that to her right now... she would want to know more, and she'd probably push him until she got it. It was strange how he had resisted some of the best psychiatrists, therapists, and counselors in Germany when he was a young boy, but he couldn't seem to push her away completely.

Sighing, he let go of her and stepped back slightly. It was literally like watching the wall go up again. "It's nothing. I'm just nervous about catching Kryshna tonight," he said, not meeting her eyes.

[Alana Kalb]

Alana frowned. She wasn't going to accept that, she knew something had to be bothering him or else he'd be looking at her. She was a bit upset he stepped away from her, too, but she shrugged it off, standing her ground. She didn't like that he wouldn't tell her what was bothering him. Even if it was personal, she should at least have known if it was going to compromise the mission that night.

"Rutger, please," She said, looking up at him. "I can tell something else is upsetting you, I know how you act when it's about the case and this isn't like that." She said, and crossed her arms. She wasn't going to let this go. "You can trust me."

[Rutger Kilborn]

He sighed, and the wall seemed to go up even more. They couldn't do this now. He could not let her stir up his emotions; not tonight when he needed to keep them buried as deeply as possible and focus on catching Kryshna. He'd already made up his mind that he would tell her one day.... it just couldn't be tonight.

"No, Alana, please... there is nothing bothering me. I'm fine. Please let it go."

There was a part of him that actually wanted to run away from her right now, but he resisted the urge. As a child he had never run away from his problems.... he just stubbornly shut them down and buried them deep inside. Maybe it hadn't been the right way to handle it, but it was the only way he knew. But she wasn't letting him bury it, and he was pretty sure if he tried to run away, she would only follow.

[Alana Kalb]

It was Alana's turn to sigh now. Well, if he was going to be stubborn, so can I. Alana thought. She put her hands on her hips and stared at him, backing up a little bit. She looked at the ground for a moment to collect her thoughts before returning her attention to him. She didn't want to upset him, since that wouldn't be good for the mission, but she needed to know what was wrong.

"Rugter, just... please, tell me something. Anything. It does not have to be the full story of what is upsetting you, I just..." Alana said, and gave him a small smile. She hoped it let him know she was here for him, no matter what.

"You trust me, right?" She asked, stepping towards him again, but not too close as to make him uncomfortable. "Whatever it is, I will not judge you."

[Rutger Kilborn]

He supposed that it was only a matter of time before she started grilling him about his past. The only shocking thing, really, was how long it had taken. But then, they had never been as close as they were now. Back in Germany, it had been easy to keep an emotional distance from her. They mostly only saw each other in the office, and so they had a mostly professional relationship, aside from all the times when she had to bug him to stop and eat or to go home and get some sleep. At the end of the day, she had gone back to her apartment, and he to his--if he even went home at all, of course.

But here, they were together almost all the time. She had her bedroom and he had his, but they were only separated by a single room. It was easier for the lines to become blurred here. And even he had to admit that, when it came down to it, they really were more than just work partners. He knew how she felt about him, and although he was still a bit confused about his own feelings, he knew that he felt something for her... something more than professional. And maybe even more than friendship.

"I do trust you," he said, his eyes locking onto hers for just a moment before he looked away again. "Just... understand... there are things I don't talk about. Not to anyone. I... I promise I will tell you one day, but not tonight. I need to be able to focus on catching Kryshna tonight."

But if all she wanted right now was for him to tell her one thing, just let her in a little bit, there was something he could tell her. It was something she probably really needed to know, since it could affect his work--and occasionally it had.

"There is something I can tell you now, though," he agreed at last, looking into her eyes again. "I probably should have told you a long time ago."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana knew this was hard for him, and she felt bad for asking. But if something was bothering him, she wanted to know. She knew from experience it was better to talk about it than let it bottle up inside. She wanted him to tell her everything, no matter how trivial it seemed, half for his well-being and half for the mission. She didn't want whatever was bothering him to dampen their chances at finally catching Kryshna.

She was a bit worried when he said she should have known for a while. It worried her it was something she didn't want to hear, something she would want to forget. She smiled through her worry, however, and awkwardly shifted her weight to the other foot.

"What is it, Rutger?" She asked. She crossed her arms for lack of anything better to do with them, and kept her eyes locked onto his.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Though he didn't realize it, the fact that he even noticed how she suddenly became nervous was a sign of just how close he had become to her. She was hiding it, but he could tell that she suddenly felt uneasy and was covering it with her familiar smile. How many times had she covered her feelings with that smile?

Impulsively, he reached out and took her hand, trying to soothe her. "It's not like that. It's... well, you won't like it, but it's nothing you need to be afraid of."

He let go of her hand as suddenly as he had taken it, and released a soft sigh. "You're always trying to get me to get more sleep, but it's not that easy for me. I know you think I just forget to sleep because I'm working too hard, but it's the other way around. I work because I can't sleep. I have severe insomnia, and I've suffered from since I was a child."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana relaxed a bit and gave him a genuine smile when he took her hand. She couldn't help but think, despite the fact he was about to tell her something, that it was the second time that night, and she felt giddy again. She knew that, after everything that happened that night, he cared for her like she did for him.

She frowned as he dropped her hand, but didn't say anything or try to take his. She didn't want to make him uncomfortable. She only frowned more when he spoke.

"Rutger... I'm sorry." She said. "You're right, you should have told me. Maybe then I...I wouldn't have been so pushy about sending you off to bed. I had no idea it was this bad..." She wondered what had happened in his life if he suffered since he was a child, but decided against questioning him further. She then thought if she should have been staying up with him, giving him company when he worked. She was able to push herself to stay awake, she had before.

Alana took his hand again now and gently rubbed it. "Is there anything that makes it better? Anything to help you sleep?" She asked. She didn't really know what to say without asking him why. She knew he would shoot down the idea of her staying up with him, so she didn't offer it.

[Rutger Kilborn]

Rutger managed a tired smile. "No... don't apologize for that. It... it used to annoy me when you did that, but I... I actually do appreciate that you try to take care of me. Maybe if someone had done it when I was younger, I wouldn't have this problem now."

Merlin, he was so tired, though he did his best to fight it. He couldn't give in to it, because he wasn't sure he'd be able to get going again and do what he needed to do.

"Sometimes the Draught of Peace helps me get to sleep, but even then, I'm lucky if I get six hours. And I don't want to take it every night, because I don't want it to stop working for me. So I just take it when I really need it... when I feel a collapse coming on."

[Alana Kalb]

Alana didn't understand how no one could have seen he was having trouble sleeping as a child. Were his parents not around, or did they just not care? Alana knew he never talked about his past, and maybe that was the reason. She wished there was something she could do other than listen to him, but she knew there wasn't. And she wasn't going to press him on why nobody had tried to help him when he was a child; she would let that go until another time, knowing if it was painful she didn't want him to be thinking about it, especially not before their mission tonight.

"Rutger..." she whispered when she realized what he had said. She knew the potion was used to calm anxiety, as she had used it twice when the Kryshna case first began to calm her mind after learning so much about the murders, but she stopped after scaring herself into thinking she would become dependent on it. It frightened her to know that he needed it to sleep.

"You can't sleep any other way?" She asked, and then sighed. "Have you tried sleeping potions? Do they work any better?" She didn't want him to be dependent on potions to sleep, but on the other hand she wanted him to be able to relax.

[Rutger Kilborn]

He hated that look on her face, the tone in her voice. She was worried for him, and maybe there was good reason for that. Actually, there definitely was good reason for it, but that didn't mean he wanted her to worry. That was the reason he hadn't told her all this time; because he knew she would worry.

He sighed and looked away from her. "Please don't look at me like that," he said. "Look... I've been this way for a very long time. I know it's not healthy... but it's what I'm used to. You'd be surprised what the human body can get used to over time."

But it was getting harder to deal with as he got older, and he knew it. He didn't have that seemingly endless energy that came from being young anymore, and it took him more and more caffeine to get through the day. He didn't even think she realized just how much he relied on it. He was breaking down, though, slowly, and if something didn't change soon....

"I can sleep a little without it... but I have to be so exhausted that I literally can't stay awake any longer. That's why I fall asleep at the table, or at my desk at work... sometimes I manage to make it to the sofa, but I almost never sleep in my bed. I just... I lie down to sleep and I can't relax. Every little sound, every movement, whatever.... it distracts me. And even when I do get to sleep, I can only sleep a few hours at a time... something always wakes me up. Most nights I'm lucky if I get 3 or 4 hours. I've tried everything... potions, alcohol, even meditation. I can't relax."