|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Apr 27, 2011 23:21:11 GMT -5
Rutger sighed softly. He didn't understand why it was so important to her that he go out and be social and do things besides work. He still thought that, in general, people didn't like him because he was so serious and focused on work. And he preferred it that way. It was best not to let anyone get too close... although he had broken that rule with Alana.
"I'll think about it," he said at last. "But I suppose it wouldn't hurt tp go out to dinner with just you."
It actually didn't occur to him that this could be considered a date. He had never gone on a date, and so he was really unaware of what it was supposed to be like or what one did on a date.
"But first we've got to get through tonight," he reminded her. "We can't let Kryshna slip away this time."
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Jul 24, 2011 0:12:49 GMT -5
In her mind, Alana was already planning the outfit she would wear for their date. She refused to acknowledge the fact that Rutger wouldn't count it as such; it would just be dinner with his work partner, nothing more. But to Alana, it was a date, or at least the closest thing to one she would get for now. She was still hoping, in the back of her mind, that Rutger would see that she really cared for him.
"Right, Kryshna," Alana said, and clicked her tongue. She had almost forgotten about the reason they were sitting in the hotel room, and not in the office in Germany. If she were honest with herself, she wished this really would end tonight, that Kryshna would meet a tragic fate after confessing everything. It wasn't that she was tired of the case; she was tired of seeing Rutger always on edge and not taking care of himself because of it.
"We'll get her. There will be enough of us there, all highly trained. We could take her in tonight, and make her confess everything tomorrow. Have faith, Rutger. This will all end tonight." She said with a smile. She wanted so desperately to believe it herself.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Jul 24, 2011 0:37:37 GMT -5
What she didn't know was the Rutger was actually more anxious about the case ending than he had been when he was in the middle of it. Of course the important thing was that Kryshna wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else. He didn't want anyone else to die because of her. But when the case was done, what would he do? The case had consumed him for more than five years, and he wasn't sure what he would do with himself when it was done. He was the kind of man who needed to be busy, needed to have his mind occupied. Inactivity would make him restless and frustrated.
"I know we will. We have to," he said.
He wished it was happening now, that they could be there in the room now. He was anxious to get it over with, and he wouldn't be able to relax until he finally had Kryshna in custody. And, well, not even then... but that was another story.
"Tell me more about the lunch. Who did you meet? What are the people like?" He asked the question more for her sake than for his. He wasn't particularly interested in the other aurors, but he knew Alana liked to talk about people, and he wanted to watch her eyes light up as she talked.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Jul 24, 2011 0:57:43 GMT -5
Alana smiled, thinking of all the people at lunch. She loved crowds; she was the type of person that would go to a concert just to talk to the people she was standing around, not because she liked the music. She felt at home in a big city and hated small towns.
"I think I met most of the department, actually. It was so much fun, Rutger, I wish you could have been there." She said. She knew he wouldn't have had fun, though; he would have been quiet and hardly eating, Alana could picture that in her mind clearly. "You need to come next time. It's an office full of women! Well, not that you would like that... not saying you wouldn't... you need to help the men with their numbers." She said, trying to figure out how to word it. She didn't mean for it to come out like she was flirting with him, telling him of all the women. She wouldn't want that, anyway. She could only imagine how much it would hurt to see him with another woman after she liked him for so long.
"They were all very nice. I really do think you would like them."
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Jul 24, 2011 16:24:12 GMT -5
Rutger, on the other hand, did not like crowds, and her prediction of what he would have been like if he had been there at lunch was pretty much dead-on. He tended to shut down in a crowd, and retreat even more inward than he usually did. Even though she kept saying that she wished he could have been there, he knew that she would have been more upset to see him withdraw like that. Until recently, he'd never even felt guilty about his anti-social nature, but as a result of her influence, he was starting to see that it was unhealthy... he just didn't know how to change.
"I much prefer to listen to you talk about it after the fact," he told her honestly. "Believe me, you enjoyed it more than enough for the both of us. I'm glad you had a good time."
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Jul 24, 2011 17:50:06 GMT -5
Alana wished there was a switch she could throw to make him want to go out with lunch with the office. If not here, then at least in Germany when they returned. Alana got a sinking feeling about that; she liked the people in England, maybe even more than those in Germany, but she had worked with the others for so long... would it be right to request a permanent transfer?
"Thank you, Rutger." She said. Of course, she still wanted to tell him more, specifics about people, but she felt it would be wasted if he wasn't going to go around the office and strike up conversations with them. But that's the way he was, and even though she wanted to change him, she knew she probably couldn't. At least, not like she wanted to.
"You know, I think someone mentioned something about drinks one night. At least come with a couple of us for that." She said, hoping she wasn't pressing her luck. He already was considering lunch between the two of them, but Alana was determined to make that night as long as possible.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Jul 24, 2011 23:19:46 GMT -5
Rutger finished the last of the food on his plate and turned to give her his full attention. Often when she talked of these sort of things, he would let her go on while he concentrated on work. It was only recently that he had discovered how her eyes lit up when talking about other people. Sometimes he wondered just how miserable she must be to be stuck with someone so dull and serious as himself.
"You know I don't drink..." Rutger began, but then he sighed softly. He knew perfectly well that she was going to keep trying to convince him to do something with the other aurors, even if they weren't going to be staying here much longer. He also knew that, even though she would act casual about it, she would be disappointed if he turned her down.
"All right. I'll come, if it will make you happy," he said, a note of resignation in his voice.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Jul 25, 2011 0:20:47 GMT -5
Alana frowned. She knew he only agreed because she was being annoying about it. Was it that hard for him to see that she only wanted to spend more time with him, outside of the office? Yes, they were around each other almost all day, but that was all work. She just wanted time to be with him, not the papers and pictures of the case that brought them together. Alana took a deep breath; she knew her thoughts were only caused by her frustration. She cared for Rutger, and she knew she shouldn't let herself get upset over the way he is. She knew he was like this when they began working together years ago; she should be used to it.
"I am sure there will be non-alcoholic drinks as well." She said, but couldn't feel herself excited for it like she was for their dinner. She felt bad for bothering him so much. She was embarrassed and wished she could excuse herself for a nap, but with the prospect of catching Kryshna tonight, she was too nervous to sleep.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you about it." She said, twirling a finger in her hair to distract herself from her embarrassment.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Jul 25, 2011 22:40:10 GMT -5
She'd misunderstood him. Probably picking up on the resignation in his voice, she had assumed that he was giving in just to make her stop bugging him. But that hadn't been his intention. He'd meant it when he said that he'd do it if it made her happy. He supposed it started from their kiss, but he recently had started to become aware that his moods were largely dependent on hers. When she was upset, he felt out of sorts. When she was tense, he felt the stress. And when she was happy, he was--if not happy, at least content. She was the only one who could make him smile or even laugh. And in the very back of his mind, he knew what all that meant... He just wasn't ready to admit it yet.
"Alana..." he began, and, without thinking, reached out and touched the hand that was playing with her hair. It felt like an electric shock passing through them, and he pulled back, but only slightly. "That's not what I--" He sighed. "You're not bothering me. I guess I just..."
He stopped again, suddenly not sure what he wanted to say. He was desperately outside of his comfort zone right now, and he didn't want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing. "I'm sorry. I know I'm not any fun... I'm not sociable or friendly... I'm sorry you're stuck with me."
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Jul 25, 2011 22:58:12 GMT -5
She stared at him as he touched her hand, and as he pulled away slightly her eyes fell onto his hand, silently willing him to take her hand in his, for him to hold it like she held his. Had he picked up on her embarrassment, and was looking to let her know it was alright? He had never taken her hand before, it was always her doing. She wanted to reach out and take his, but let him talk first.
She felt a pain in her chest when he mentioned he wasn't fun. It hurt her to hear him say it. Of course, he wasn't Alana's type that go to clubs and big dinners, but in the back of her mind, Alana knew that was part of the reason why she was attracted to him. He wasn't like the others she had been with, or even just been friends with; he was a welcome change, and she wished she had a way to put that into words so it wouldn't sound so odd.
"I am not stuck with you," She said, finally taking his hand in hers. She clasped her other hand around it and looked up at him. "I could have walked away from this case, I could have been reassigned to a smaller case if I requested it. But... I'm still here, aren't I?" She could feel the confession that she cared for him, truly cared for him, on the tip of her tongue but she willed herself not to say it. She didn't know how he would react, and she didn't want to upset him before the night was over. If everything went well tonight, she thought of telling him in the morning.
"You are unlike any man I've ever known. You're... special to me."
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Jul 26, 2011 16:22:58 GMT -5
She might not have said the actual words, but they were implied, and even Rutger could not miss that implication. He had actually suspected it ever since that kiss, which, admittedly, had only been a couple of days ago. She hadn't said the words then, either, but they'd hung unspoken in the air, so heavy and so obvious that even he could not ignore them. What he didn't know was how long she had felt this way about him. Had it happened only recently, or had she felt this way all along? He wanted to know just how long he had been so completely unaware, but he didn't dare ask her, because then he'd have to acknowledge it. While she didn't come out and say the words, he could pretend he didn't know.
Because if he did acknowledge it, then he'd have to admit that he felt something, too. Even now, he could not take his eyes off of her face, and he was acutely aware of their joined hands. He wanted to kiss her again, and he stared at her for what seemed like years, frozen with indecision.
And then, suddenly, he pulled away, turning his gaze to the floor and silently reclaiming his hand. "We have a long night ahead of us," he said, his voice sounding ragged and hoarse. "You should probably try and get some rest."
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Jul 26, 2011 22:38:37 GMT -5
Alana was staring back at Rutger, knowing one of two things was going to happen. She just wished it would be the right thing, another kiss perhaps, some sort of admission from Rutger that he felt the same. As silence settled in between the two, she just wished he would say something so she could let go of the breath she was holding.
When he did speak, Alana wished he hadn’t. She was hurt; that wasn’t what she wanted to hear from him, nothing about what she had said and nothing about him feeling the same way. Alana let the breath out slowly, disappointed. She stood, and forced a smile. Maybe he wasn’t ready to say it, she thought as she shrugged.
“Yes, I suppose some rest would do me good…” she said. She tried telling herself that he only offered it to give him time to gather his thoughts, and he could be looking out for her wellbeing instead of her always looking out for him. But no matter how much she told herself that, she couldn’t help but think she did something wrong. “Wake me up if I manage to fall asleep.”
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Jul 26, 2011 23:32:14 GMT -5
He'd hurt her. He knew it instantly by the look on her face, and it made him feel like he had a knot in his stomach. He turned away from her, not able to look at that forced smile anymore.
Sooner or later, they were going to have to deal with this, whatever it was. But he couldn't do it tonight. Not when they were so close to catching Kryshna. After they caught her, then they could talk about it, he reasoned. The trouble was, they'd already opened a Pandora's Box when they kissed the night before. Now he couldn't seem to close it and he couldn't seem to concentrate on anything else when he was alone with her. What if his concentration was off tonight and something happened? What if someone got hurt, or Kryshna got away again? He couldn't let that happen. He needed to focus. He needed to concentrate. And yet...
"I'll wake you up," he said distantly, then dropped into a chair, burying his face in his hands. He had handled that wrong, he knew that... but he didn't know what else he should have done differently.
He ran her words over in his head. You're special to me, she had said. He hadn't answered her. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to say she was special to him, too? She was, but the idea of telling her that....
Abruptly, he got up from the chair and went into her room. He didn't even know what he was going to say, but he just couldn't stand to know that she was hurting and he had caused it.
"Alana..." he said, standing in the doorway.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Jul 27, 2011 0:08:26 GMT -5
Alana thought everything was a waste, as she walked back to her room. She shouldn’t have admitted to herself that she had feelings for Rutger, and she shouldn’t have told him he was special to her. What was she thinking, even kissing him in the first place? That was a mistake, she knew that know, but somehow she couldn’t—or wasn’t able to—admit that to herself.
She knew Rutger was distant, that he wasn’t going to be the kind of guy to pull her into his arms and kiss her and tell her how much he loved her, at least not right away. Alana knew from the beginning this would be a chase, but now that it was so close, she was wondering if it would eventually turn out like she had planned it to.
Once in her room, she took her shoes off and curled up under the covers. She held one pillow to her chest as she cried softly. She was never a loud crier, always afraid that her aunt would hear her crying as a child and scold her, saying there was nothing in the world worth crying over. Such was her aunt’s way in life, but it wasn’t Alana’s. And this, she felt, was something worth crying over.
She froze when she heard his voice. Wiping her eyes, she turned to the doorway and regretted it immediately; just looking at him upset her. She knew she was angry at herself for getting her hopes so high, and she shouldn’t be blaming it on Rutger, but that was another thing her mind wouldn’t convince her of.
“What? Did I fall asleep that quickly?” she said, trying to force a smile and make light of her situation.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Jul 27, 2011 17:51:04 GMT -5
It was a lucky thing for him that he was standing in the doorway, and not closer to the bed. If he had been standing any closer, he might have seen the tears in her eyes, and he would have been forced to recognize how deeply he had hurt her.
"No... no, it's not time yet," he said gently. "I just... I wanted to say... I..."
Merlin, this was hard. He needed to say something that would take away some of the pain she was feeling, something to help her understand that she meant something to him, too.
"What you said earlier," he began hesitantly. "I've never been... special... to anyone before. And I want you to know... I... You mean a lot to me, too. You're my best friend, Alana."
Maybe it sounded woefully inadequate, but to him, this was saying a lot. He'd never even acknowledged anyone as a friend, much less a best friend before. Even saying it now felt strange to him.
"I never wanted a partner. You know that. But over the years, you've proven yourself to me, and I've come to rely on you. I trust you completely, and believe me when I tell you that's very rare for me." He drew a shaky breath then, and squinted over at her in the dim light of the room. "I just... I thought you should know."
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Aug 1, 2011 13:49:22 GMT -5
As he started to talk, Alana prepared herself for him to tell her any type of personal relationship had to end, that they should focus on the case and forget anything ever happened between them once it was over. She really wouldn’t blame him, knowing how he is and how pushy she could be about things. No doubt she had pushed this on him. She was normally optimistic, but about this now… she wasn’t so sure.
But as he continued talking, a smile spread across her face. She thought it was cute how slow he was talking, not sure what to say or how to word it. Alana wasn’t sure which one it was, but she knew it was something he probably had never done before. It meant a lot to her, that he came to her and was telling her these things.
When he said she was his best friend, she had to lace her fingers together and hug the pillow closer in an attempt not to throw her hands in the air, run to him, and hug him; she didn’t feel that would be appropriate while he was telling her this. Any other time she would joke about the awkwardness in his voice but for once Alana wanted to be serious.
When Rutger was done, she didn’t know what to say. She thought that was weird; she always had something to say, but now that this man who she cared for so much had come to her and told her he trusted her, that she was his best friend… she laughed inwardly; this was probably the first time in her adult life that someone had made her speechless.
She threw the pillow she was hugging to her side, not caring if it met the floor or the bed, and ran to him. Now she couldn’t stop herself; her words had failed her and she needed to show she was appreciative in another way. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hoped he wouldn’t push her away.
“Thank you Rutger.” she said quietly, “That really means a lot.”
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Aug 1, 2011 17:10:39 GMT -5
He wasn't sure what reaction he had expected from her, but this certainly wasn't it. Maybe he'd hoped that she would just listen... maybe thank him.... then let him walk away. But she ran over to him and threw her arms around him, and he just stood there for a moment, not sure what to do. He should have pulled away and told her that they had to stop this. But now that she was so close and he could feel the warmth of her body and the smell of her perfume, he couldn't think straight again. He looked down at her face, noticing that it was still wet with tears, and felt a stab of guilt. She'd been crying. Over him.
It was an odd feeling for Rutger to see the effect he obviously had on her. He'd never mattered enough to anyone to make them cry like that.
With a shaking hand, he reached out and put his hand on her cheek, brushing the tears away with his thumb. He couldn't believe how soft and delicate her skin felt against his hand, and without even thinking, he bent down and began to kiss the tears away.
Maybe, he thought in a flash of insanity, if he just kissed her again, he could get this out of his system. He'd stopped the first one too soon, and it left him wanting more. It made sense, right? Just one more kiss and he'd get back to focusing on the case.
This was what he was thinking when he pressed his lips to hers.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Aug 1, 2011 18:13:21 GMT -5
Alana wasn’t sure how he was going to react. She thought, at best, she would get an awkward pat on the back before he left. In fact, she was almost certain of it. She knew she hadn’t wiped all of her tears away, and as he looked down at her she silently cursed at herself, wishing she had done that before getting this close to him.
But as he brushed and kissed them away, she was glad she left them there. Every bad thing she had been thinking about the two of them, every thought she had about Rutger ending it all now were washed away, and she smiled.
Even after all of that, she was still surprised when he kissed her. She guessed it was because she had started the kiss last time. She never expected him to kiss her first.
She smiled into the kiss and closed her eyes as she tightened her arms around him, pulling herself closer to him as she leaned up into the kiss. She had really hoped this wasn’t a dream, because she was quite sure she would cry when she woke up. She didn’t make any attempt to pull away, afraid that if she did she would regret it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Rutger Kilborn on Aug 1, 2011 21:26:22 GMT -5
This was all new to Rutger. When the other boys at school first started noticing girls, Rutger had kept his nose buried in books. In some ways, he'd probably known more about girls and physical attraction and the human body and hormones than his peers. But while they were experiencing these things, Rutger was only reading about them. He read about them until they were basically meaningless to him. While he understood the principles of attraction, he had never felt them, and had been able to distance himself from such feelings by telling himself they were all just chemical reactions in the brain.
But now, as he kissed Alana, wrapping his arms around her and holding her closer to him, he was most certainly not thinking about chemical reactions. It was different from what he had expected. His whole consciousness was centered on her and how she made him feel. He felt like he was being swept away by a tidal wave, and he didn't know how to stop it, to pull himself back on shore. Worse, he didn't want to. All he had to do was break the kiss and pull away from her, but he just didn't want to.
The kiss seemed to last forever, and yet, it was over all too soon. He pulled away slowly, but kept his arms around her waist as he opened his eyes and looked down at her. "Alana... I can't," he said softly. "Not now. There are things.... things you don't know about me..."
He didn't want to hurt her, and he hoped she would understand. He wasn't saying no... He was just saying not yet. She was going to have to give him some time to deal with what he was feeling. His past was always going to stand between them... unless he finally found the strength to tell her about it. But he couldn't do it tonight... not if he wanted to be stable enough to catch Kryshna.
|
|
|
|
Post by Alana Kalb on Aug 12, 2011 23:09:32 GMT -5
Alana kept thinking she was dreaming until he pulled away. She wondered if this was going to change anything between the two of them, show both of them that a mutual attraction was there and it was getting to a point where they wouldn't be able to push it aside and go on with the case, with their lives.
She pouted as he pulled away, opening her eyes as he began to talk. She wasn't going to say anything against it, however; he was still holding her, that was a good sign, right? She had pushed him to notice her, she felt, and wasn't going to try to kiss him again or talk about it too soon. If they decided to talk about the feelings between them, she could wait until after the case was over, when they were both a bit calmer.
Alana was confused by what he said. She knew there had to be things he never talked about, since he was so quiet most of the time, but she was curious about how bad things were that he felt he wasn't able to talk about them to his partner after all these years.
"Like what? Is something bothering you?" She asked, looking up at him. She wanted to know everything about him; he was interesting to her because he was so introverted, unlike the outgoing people she grew up with that she knew their life stories within a week of knowing them. She just hoped it wasn't something destructive in his past, something he had done that would come back and bite them both while they still worked together. The thought of it frightened Alana.
|
|
