Jewel Rivera

[hermionecutiepie]

Character Name: Jewel Rivera

Year: 6th

Description or Celebrity Claim: Miley Cyrus

Preferred House: Ravenclaw

Classes

[/li][li]Best/Favorite Classes:
Charms
Muggle Studies
Potions

[/li][li]Worst/Most Hated Classes:
Care of Magical Creatures
Herbology
[/list]

Strengths:
She has a strong mind and body. She also defends her family as long as their hurt. She is also best in Charms. She has also strenghts in music and art. Sometimes she sings.

Weaknesses:
Jewel easily fall to a person and easily hurt. She was also sometimes shy. She is not usually friendly and loves to be alone.

Personality:
Jewel is one that can be hard to figure out. She is usually shy when she firsts meets someone, depending on who is around her. Usually after first meeting someone, she is quiet and shy, but after a while she breaks out of her shell, she can be outgoing and fun. Jewel normally find it hard to trust people, but when she does, she tells them anything and almost everything.Its hard for someone to know what is on her mind.The only way for one to really understand Jewel, is of the look to her art drawings or paints.

She tends to draw how she feels right then, or what is on her mind right then. She also loves to play the piano. Another way is the kind of music she listens to. If one pays attention to those, then they will be alright with her. Jewel also has a artist side to her. She loves to draw and paint. She could almost make a painting out of anything. If someone doesn't see her painting anywhere, they can find her where there is a piano.

Most people see her as a quiet person.But that is not always the case with Jewel. She does have a bit of a wild or adventure side to her.One that many do not see, unless she considers them a very close friend, which is not many.She does like to keep to herself mostly, a way for her not to get into trouble or fall in with the wrong crowd.

History:
Jewel Rivera was born on May 28, 1957, in France. She has two parents named Mathew and Carol Rivera. When she was four, her parents had a disagreement. Which ended up with her parents getting a divorce. Jewel's mother, Carol, then took her daughter and went to live in England, to start a new life there. Jewel was a honor student in her Muggle schools, but would sometimes get hurt due to a few adventures she took. When she was eight years old, Jewel took a interest in art and music, while at the same time, Carol found a soul mate for herself. Her mother met a French gentlemen named Ethan Roger. After a few years Carol married Ethan. Jewel was uneasy about it, but she only wanted to see her mother happy. That was when her mother, decided it was time, Jewel started spending time with her father Mathew.

This wasn't easy for Jewel at first. But she eventually got used to it. And she would spent half her time with her father in France, and other half in England with her mother and step-father. During the summers she would spend with her father, while during the normal school terms, she would be with her mother. It took a while to get used to going back and forth between her parents.While in her Muggle schools. Jewel never really found a place to fit in, with the other kids there. At first, this bothered her a little bit. But then Jewel found something to pass the time. Her art drawings and paintings. It was something that she was good at, and she enjoyed.

RP Sample (must be at least a paragraph):
Jewel sat alone by the black lake with an apple in her hand. It will be another new year to start. She laid back on the grass and looked up to the sky. Jewel yawned and took a bite of her ruby red apple and smiled. She closed her eyes. She was a bit tired. She was now 6th year. It has been a long way for Jewel since her first day here at Hogwarts. She remembered the first time she's been here. She don't know anyone.

Your Name (or name on the board): Maureen

[Albus Dumbledore]

OK, a few things.

First off, I'd really like to see some better strengths and weaknesses. These are defining points of your character. For example, clearly art and music are strengths for her. What does she have trouble with? What troubles her? What upsets her. Being shy is a goood one, but I'd like to see a little more there.

Also, your grammar could really use some work. We don't pretend to be grammar experts here, but some of your sentences are kind of choppy and don't really get your point across clearly. Your RP sample, in particular, is kind of confusing. It sounds like you zipped ahead in time, and it was no longer about that single moment.

I'd like to see you put a little more work into the character before I can accept you. If you're unsure about grammar, try putting your posts in Word and running a grammar check there.

[hermionecutiepie]

ill just edit it sir..is it now okay or need more?

[Albus Dumbledore]

I'm sorry, but it doesn't look to me like you really changed very much. You added to the strengths and weaknesses, which is a start, but the grammar is still sloppy, particularly in your RP sample. I also read your post in the Sorting Ceremony, and you skip from present to past tense and really don't get into what she is thinking at all. I suggest you look at a few other posts for an example of what we are looking for. And for a good example of an accepted application, I recommend that you take a look at Dolores Umbridge's application:

uptonogoodrpg.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=accepted&action=display&thread=4358

Thanks.

[Riley Neves]

The other thing I would like to point out, in addition to Dumbledore's comments, is your musical choice in your RP sample. Now, we do allow RP samples from other sites, they don't have to be for UTNG. However, you obviously tailored your sample to be for Harry Potter. We are a Marauders Era RPG. The Lost Prophets (also, I cannot stress enough checking your grammar. We have a couple of editors on this site, so we appreciate good grammar) did not exist in 1973.

[hermionecutiepie]

is it still nedd improvement? i already changed it

[Riley Neves]

I don't want you to feel like we're hounding you, and Dumbledore may have more comments, but I'm focusing on your RP sample. Try and really get inside Jewel's head. She's a 6th year now, so she has to know someone. If you meant that she didn't know anyone in her first year, show contrast. Does she have friends now? Tell us how far she's come since her first year. The goal is to give someone something to respond to when they see your post. The more difficult it is to respond to, the less likely it is that someone will jump into an open thread like that.

I would also like to see more improvement with your grammar.

We appreciate you listening to our suggestions!

Feel free to PM me or any of the admins if you have questions or would like some help.

[Austin Hancock]

I'll add a little something. As Dumbledore and Riley said grammar is important. As long as it doesn't stick out like a sore thumb then it's not that bad.


When it comes to beginning sentences, try not to start every one off with 'She'. Change it up a little bit because it usually flows better than having to read 'She' at the beginning of every sentence


And the same goes for me as well. If Riley or Dumbledore aren't around, I usually am so feel free to PM with any questions.

[Angelique St. Clare]

Your character's date of birth is also incorrect. This is in the Marauders' time, which is the early 1970s. The board is currently set in January of 1973. If Jewel is 16, her date of birth would be 1957.

I strongly suggest you read the rules of the board (if you haven't already), along with the UTNG FAQs. Looking around at other threads might be a good idea as well, to get a real feel for what is going on at the board and how other people RP.

Again, not to seem like I'm picking on you, but your grammar really could use a lot of work. Don't forget to put a space after a period, and watch your subject-verb agreement. And remember to keep it in past tense, not present tense.

Please give this a little more work. As it is, I can't accept you right now.

[hermionecutiepie]

ok now it is it okay or not??!!

[Riley Neves]

You didn't even touch your RP sample with anything I suggested.

[Angelique St. Clare]

I don't see any improvements in the grammar. What did you actually change?

Let's take a look at your RP sample again:

Jewel sat alone by the black lake with an apple in her hand. It will be another new year to start. She laid back on the grass and looked up to the sky. Jewel yawned and took a bite of her ruby red apple and smiled. She closed her eyes. She was a bit tired. She was now 6th year. It has been a long way for Jewel since her first day here at Hogwarts. She remembered the first time she's been here. She don't know anyone.

You are still switching from past tense to present tense and back again. The sentences are still choppy. There is no point in saying that she was in her sixth year. If you're going to remember the first time you arrived at Hogwarts, do it. Describe it. What was it like? How did she feel? How does she feel now? How is she different? And that last sentence doesn't make sense. Does she not know anyone now, even after six years? Or are you referring to when she first came to Hogwarts? Furthermore, it's grammatically incorrect. It should say "She didn't know anyone."

I still feel that you have not taken a look around the board to see what it is like, what it is about. Have you read the rules? How about the help thread, or the FAQs? Have you looked at accepted applications?

I'm sorry, this is still not approved.