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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 5, 2009 1:09:22 GMT -5
Mathieu sighed. He should have realized that Roland would be stubborn to the end; keeping his secrets from everyone out of some misguided need to protect everyone. And if Riley knew the identity of the killer, surely she would have gone after him already, right?
He stared at her, his expression shattered. When he spoke, his words were halting and uncertain. "If I can help you... catch his killer.... please let me know. It makes me sick to know he's still out there and Roland is gone..."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 5, 2009 2:52:54 GMT -5
Riley swallowed, looking down and probably giving herself away. She could never tell him that Blake was involved.
"The attack... I think it means I'm getting close. Close enough that they're nervous," she told Mathieu. She wanted to give him some hope that she would find his son's killer. "when I find him, Mathieu.... I swear I'll find him and this will all be over."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 6, 2009 18:11:18 GMT -5
All over. If only she meant that Roland could come back. But of course, that couldn't happen. Roland was gone, and somehow Mathieu was going to have to live with that fact. But how? He could say that he wanted the pain to go away, but in a way, he didn't. He didn't want it to ever stop hurting. He'd lost a son, an irreplaceable human being who had meant the world to him. How could he move on? How could he ever stop missing him? There was a hole in his heart now, and he couldn't imagine that it would ever be filled. And he didn't want it to be.
His eyes had misted over again, and when he spoke, he seemed very far away. "You know, he used to tell us that he never wanted to get married or have children, but his mother and I knew better. Anyone as devoted to family as he was would have been an incredible husband and father. I was always sure that when he finally gave his heart to someone, she'd be the luckiest woman in the world. Now I wonder if he knew somewhere, deep down inside, that he'd never live to get married or have children."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 6, 2009 18:30:47 GMT -5
Riley couldn't meet his eyes. He may have been talking about her, being that luckiest woman in the world. Who knew, she could have been. She wanted to give him something to make him feel better, but she didn't know what.
Quietly, she blurted out, "Roland asked me to marry him."
Her eyes finally lifted and met his. He couldn't exactly ask Roland to verify the facts, could he? If it made him feel better to think that Roland had given his heart away, why couldn't she make up a lie for him? "On the night of the attack, while we were waiting at the warehouse. He asked me to marry him."
She just prayed this lie wouldn't backfire on her, and make Mathieu angry. She was trying, here.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 6, 2009 18:52:44 GMT -5
When he looked at her again, there was something new in his eyes. It was hard to define, but it was something similar to hope. He couldn't explain why, but hearing this did make him feel better. Maybe it was just the idea that Roland had considered the future, or that he had felt so strongly for this girl that he would have asked her to marry him in some grandiose gesture before he died. Mathieu really couldn't say for sure. But he did know that he saw something different now when he looked at her.
"Did you say yes?"
Even if she'd said no, he would have considered her family, because Roland had.
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 6, 2009 19:04:07 GMT -5
Riley let out a slow, quiet breath. It was in relief that this lie didn't anger him.
"I didn't get the chance to say anything," Riley replied. "His attackers came the same time, and it was pretty... things just happened really quickly after that. I honestly don't know what I would have said. If I could go back..."
She couldn't explain the own tears in her eyes, and she felt like she was burying herself in an emotional pit that she'd never be able to get out of.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 6, 2009 21:08:02 GMT -5
Mathieu got up from his chair and leaned over to put his arms around her. "It doesn't matter," he said. "He loved you, you loved him... That makes you family now. And you'll find that Ferreras are all as fiercely loyal to family as Roland was. Maybe he never realized it... But it's true. If you ever need anything, just someone to talk to... You know where to find me."
He had come here to find out if she knew who killed Roland. But he'd managed to get something entirely different; something he needed more than he had ever realized. He didn't hurt any less, or miss Roland any less... But he still felt better. Like he wasn't quite so alone in his grief.
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 6, 2009 21:58:38 GMT -5
Riley was a little shocked. She didn't even know what to say. For the last few weeks, she'd been walking on eggshells around Mathieu, convinced that he hated her, or worse, blamed her for Roland's death. And now he was calling her family.
She nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat. "The same goes for you," she told him. "I just want to help." To make up somehow for being the one that survived.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 6, 2009 23:39:07 GMT -5
Mathieu pulled away, wiping at his eyes. "You can't help," he said in a flat tone. "Nothing can make this better, short of Roland coming back and saying it was all a mistake. Since that can't happen.... all we can do is muddle through."
He sighed and sat down, rubbing his face. "But Riley... if you're really going after his killer, please don't hesitate to call for backup. And be careful. Roland would not want you to die on his behalf."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 7, 2009 0:54:07 GMT -5
Riley shook her head. "I know, but Roland wouldn't want any of you involved. That's why he went after these guys in the first place. It was just to keep you safe. You and everyone else in your family, and I just feel like he would be angry with me if I brought you into it now."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 7, 2009 1:21:34 GMT -5
"But his insistence on keeping us safe resulted in his death," Mathieu said stubbornly. "I know I would have preferred if he'd given us the choice... the chance to be there for him and to defend him. I should have been the one to die, not him. And I just wish he'd understood that it wasn't his job to protect the family... it was all of our jobs to defend each other. As a family. Now... our family will never be whole again, not without him. I wish he had understood that."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 7, 2009 15:11:20 GMT -5
"I am going to go after them," Riley said, sighing softly, and she sighed, letting her shoulders drop. "I just don't know how or when, yet. But I can't let them get away with what they did to him. I'll... I'll let you know when I have a more solid idea."
She wondered if she should tell him what she had done... no, she couldn't. Then she would have to admit to knowing that it was Blake who killed Roland. Mathieu couldn't know who it was.
One day, Riley would have to stop carrying the world on her shoulders. But she needed all of this to be over first. Then she could relax and maybe take that time off work that she should have taken ages ago.
Running a hand through her hair, she added, "I was actually hoping that this would happen. I mean, it's a good thing he failed... there might be distention among them now. They might be their own undoing."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 8, 2009 0:34:52 GMT -5
Mathieu frowned. It seemed to him that she was taking a pretty big risk here. And he didn't want her to feel like she had to do it alone. She was trying to catch the person who had killed his son, after all. And he'd just told her that she was family now.
"Don't be afraid to ask for help when you're ready to go after these guys," Mathieu said. "I... I hope you'll ask us, but even if you don't... please don't do it alone. You need backup. Don't make the mistake he made and think you have to do it all on your own. Bring as many people as you can. We want to get this guy, and we don't want you to get hurt in the process. Roland would never want you to get yourself killed for him."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 10, 2009 17:53:10 GMT -5
Riley nodded. She had to bite her tongue not to remind Mathieu that Roland had not gone in alone. He asked her, and lot of good that did her, or Roland. He was still dead. This was probably the reason she didn't say it to Mathieu.
"Okay," she told him, nodding. "I just don't know what I'm doing yet. I've been trying to draw them out, but they're being smart and..." she trailed off. She so badly wanted to tell Mathieu who it was and ask him to help her. She wanted to drop everything in his lap and just let someone else take care of it for her, but she couldn't. It was her burden now, and she had to see it through.
So she just nodded again. "I'll let you know."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 10, 2009 18:56:23 GMT -5
In the beginning, Mathieu had been angry with her for being the only one Roland saw fit to bring along when he went to fight these people. And he had blamed her for not being enough. Now, however, he was glad that at least she had been there. That Roland had been close to someone who he loved and who loved him back at the time of his death. He hadn't been alone.
Still, it hurt to know that Roland had not been able to confide in him. That he had not turned to him for support or backup or... anything. All he'd given them was an informal goodbye that was supposed to ease their minds and instead just twisted the knife deeper. The smile on his son's face during that last lunch still haunted Mathieu. He was afraid it always would.
He sighed heavily. "Thank you. For... for everything."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 10, 2009 19:20:59 GMT -5
Riley was scared that he didn't mean that thank you. Not that she deserved one. She hadn't been enough to save Roland, after all, and she was the one that survived. She was just worried that Mathieu really hated her, and if that were the case, she just wanted him to let her have it. That's what she thought she deserved.
"I'm sorry," was the only response she knew how to give him. She didn't want him to leave, but she was getting tired. She just felt like she finally made a connection with someone, and she didn't want to lose it.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 10, 2009 19:37:56 GMT -5
If only he could have reached out to Cara this way. He still couldn't quite explain why he couldn't. It was just too hard, and he didn't seem to have the strength to do it.
He looked up at her then, wiping his eyes. He was beginning to feel awkward again. "I... I really should be going. You must be exhausted."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 10, 2009 19:51:31 GMT -5
Riley laughed mirthlessly. She was thinking along those same lines.
Shifting in the bed, she reached out and hugged him. "Thank you for coming," even if she knew he hadn't come originally to see her. She still felt like she made a connection with him that even Geoffrey hadn't touched so far. They were sharing in their grief, and she just wished there was so much more she could do to help him.
"Please call me if you need anything. And I'll do the same."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jul 10, 2009 21:46:15 GMT -5
It seemed strange to hear something like that from her. And yet, he knew that she was trying to be there for the family. Of course, if she was trying to take Roland's place as the guardian of the family, it was a wasted effort. No one could replace Roland. Still, the fact that she was even trying was sweet. Sad, but sweet. Roland would have appreciated it.
He sniffled, then nodded slowly. "Thank you. Just... knowing that you loved him.... it makes a big difference. I'm glad you were there for him."
He stood up and looked at her for a minute. "I wish you could have been my daughter in law," he said at last. Then he turned around and was gone. She never saw the tear that slid down his cheek.
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Post by Riley Neves on Jul 10, 2009 21:52:44 GMT -5
Riley swallowed as Mathieu left. What would it have been like if she was his daughter in law? And she and Roland were married? She shook her head, refusing to think about it.
When he was gone, she allowed herself to break down. In the silence, when no one else was around, she was allowed to cry.
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