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Post by Cara Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 21:27:57 GMT -5
Cara stood in front of Roland's apartment door for a long time. She was supposed to meet Riley here, but came early. She just wanted some time alone with Roland's things before she and Riley started going through everything, throwing out what they could, and deciding what to do with the rest.
But she couldn't bring herself to go inside. Not alone. She would break down. The pain she felt in her chest at missing her eldest child was more than she could bear, and her husband wasn't even the support system she needed. In fact, she and Mathieu weren't even speaking at this point. She didn't even tell Mathieu she was coming here today. It's not like he would have responded anyway.
"Cara?"
She snapped out of her daze and turned her head towards the lift, only wondering briefly why Riley was coming from that direction and not from her own apartment.
Cara didn't say anything, just finally put the key in the lock and opened her son's apartment.
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Post by Riley Neves on Jun 21, 2009 21:41:13 GMT -5
Riley's heart ached for Roland's mother. If only there was some way to just... to just make the pain go away, she would. For the entire family. She would even take it all on herself, even though she had enough to deal with.
She followed Cara inside the apartment.
"Why don't you just relax, Cara?" Riley suggested. "I'll go through and get rid of anything the might have spoiled in the kitchen, and then we'll tackle the rest of this."
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Post by Cara Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 21:44:41 GMT -5
Cara shook her head.
"You won't be in the kitchen for long. He never kept his shelves well stocked," she replied. "Besides, it shouldn't be on your shoulders to do this, darling. I just appreciate the help."
Sometimes, she felt like Riley didn't have a right to be in as much pain as she was, but the Cara would look at her on days like this, and those thoughts vanished. The girl was painfully underweight... anyone could see it. The dark circles under her eyes suggested that she hadn't slept in days, and she knew that she was now staying at her sister's place with Geoffrey. And yet, here she was, helping Cara get rid of the last of Roland.
"Why don't you take the kitchen, I'll take the bathroom, and then we'll team up for his bedroom and the living room."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jun 21, 2009 21:55:01 GMT -5
Riley nodded slowly. "All right. Okay." Whatever Cara wanted to do, Riley would do it. She just wanted to make this easier on her, and the rest of the family.
She handed an enchanted bag to Cara, so that it wouldn't fill up on her, and then took one herself. Whatever food items were in the kitchen would be gone, and she imagined things like soap and shampoo and the like would find their way to the trash as well.
Riley closed her eyes when Cara left down the short hall. Just breathing in here made her want to crumble. It still smelled like Roland, and she could almost feel his presence next to her. Merlin, she missed him.
She opened her eyes and quickly cleaned out his cabinets, meeting Cara in Roland's bedroom.
"I guess we should go through his clothes, first."
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Post by Cara Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 22:30:34 GMT -5
This one was going to be the hardest room to go through, and Cara just shook her head.
"I can't."
She didn't know if she should offer to split up the rooms, and she would take the living room, but it seemed so unfair that she should ask Riley to take on that task by herself.
"Let's box up the living room first. I'll work my way up to this one," she said in a flat tone, trying hard not to break down as she went into the living room. He wasn't much of a decorator, so there wasn't a lot to box up. They would have to sell the furniture.
"Let;s just do this quickly."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 22:36:11 GMT -5
It was at that moment that the door flew open. Mathieu burst in, carrying a trunk filled with his things. He hadn't expected to find Cara here, but was planning on moving in first, and telling Cara later. Or maybe he'd just leave a note. Whatever. Talking to her was just too hard... it made a terrible knot in his stomach every time he tried. He didn't want to share his grief with her. He was afraid if he did, he'd never climb out from under it.
"You can stop what you're doing," he said, looking at her, but avoiding her eyes.
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Post by Cara Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 22:49:12 GMT -5
Cara jumped slightly, startled by Mathieu's voice, but she was quick to calm down when she saw it was him.
She saw the trunk and assumed he was here to do what they were doing. The trunk was probably to save what of Roland's they wanted to keep... which for her, was everything. Even that box of half finished crackers from the kitchen Riley threw out.
"No, we'll work on it. It will go by quicker."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 22:57:00 GMT -5
"No, I mean you can stop doing that," Mathieu said again, more firmly.
He set the trunk down on the floor with a dull thud, and closed the door behind him. For the first time in weeks, his eyes locked onto Cara's, revealing a familiar flash of the famous Ferrera stubbornness.
"Everything stays. Exactly where he left it."
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Post by Riley Neves on Jun 21, 2009 23:05:06 GMT -5
Cara shot Riley a questioning look before she held her husband's stubborn gaze. Riley didn't know what was going on any better than Cara did, and Merlin knew she didn't want to make Mathieu hurt any more than he already was.
"Mr. Ferrera, we need to clean out his apartment. The landlord wants to rent it out again. If it makes it easier, I'll make room in my apartment and you can keep his things there, but it's almost the first."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 23:12:27 GMT -5
Mathieu turned an almost incredulous gaze to Riley. He knew, in the back of his mind, that he should be nicer to her, that Roland would have wanted that. He'd loved the girl. And maybe, just maybe, she'd loved him back. For that reason alone, he should have been treating her like another daughter.
But he couldn't. He just looked at her, and all he could think was that Roland should have been sitting here, and not her. He should have been the one to live. It just wasn't fair.
"Yes, I know. The apartment has already been rented out. To me. And I want everything to stay exactly where he left it."
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Post by Cara Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 23:23:27 GMT -5
Cara could have accepted that. They could keep Roland's apartment for a while longer, until they were ready.
But then her gaze shot to his trunk, and then the look he was giving Riley. It was impossible not to interpret.... he blamed Riley quite clearly. "Stop it," she told him, but didn't finish the thought.
She looked at his trunk again. "Are you... moving in?"
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 23:32:43 GMT -5
He ignored her first comment. The way he saw it, he had every right to be angry at Riley. She'd let Roland die. She should have gone back for him, she should have tried to save him. Instead, he'd been blown to pieces and there was nothing left of him. Nothing except this apartment and the things inside it. And Mathieu simply couldn't let go of these little remnants of him. They were empty and hollow, but they were his, dammit.
"Yes," he said simply.
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Post by Riley Neves on Jun 21, 2009 23:38:18 GMT -5
Riley sensed very quickly that it would be best if she went. She withered under that gaze from Mathieu, again wishing she could do anything to take the pain away.
"Cara, I'll be right next door if you need me," she said. "Room 405."
With that, she picked up her bag, nodded once to Mathieu, and left Roland's apartment. True to her word, she went next door, feeling just as lost there as she did in Roland's apartment, and she just waited.
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Post by Cara Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 23:41:54 GMT -5
"You're moving in," Cara repeated once RIley was gone. This was the first she heard about it, so she assumed she wasn't invited. This broke her heart.
"You're leaving me," she ammended, angrier now. He was leaving her to deal with everything on her own... how could he? How was she supposed to deal with losing her child and her husband?
"You're a right bastard, Mathieu. I hope Roland's things keep you company. When were you planning on telling me?"
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 21, 2009 23:54:04 GMT -5
In truth, he hadn't entirely thought this through. All he knew was that, for now anyway, he needed time and space. And it was too hard to be close to her, to look at her, to sleep in bed next to her.
He still loved Cara. It would have been impossible to fall out of love just like that. But it was just too hard right now. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to be hurt. And he wanted to be left alone. He still hadn't figured out how to say goodbye, how to fill the aching void Roland had left behind. And he was torn up inside, because he loved his son, but there was that part of him that actually almost hated him for leaving them like this.
"I can't deal with this now," he said, his voice starting to break. I can't deal with you. I look at you and all I see is his face. And it's just so hard..."
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Post by Cara Ferrera on Jun 22, 2009 0:03:16 GMT -5
Cara's face hardened, and she bit her lip to keep from saying something she knew she would regret later.
What came out, surprising as it may be, was a lot nicer than what she really wanted to say.
"Well, then, by all means, just run away, Mathieu. And don't you worry, I'll be fine dealing with all of this without my husband. And our remaining children will be fine without their father. You just do what you need to so that you're okay. I'll take care of everyone else."
She set down the box she had been working on. "And I hope you really like this apartment, because until you realize that I need you, and you stop thinking that you're the only one in pain, I don't want you stepping foot inside our house."
It would be better that way when jamie and Ama came home. They needed a support system. Not whatever Mathieu was offering.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 22, 2009 1:16:19 GMT -5
Mathieu was quiet as she stormed out. A part of him wanted to go after her. He still loved her, and he knew he was being an idiot. He could almost hear Roland yelling at him and telling him he was acting like a selfish git. Roland was not one to mince words, especially in cases like this. But Roland was gone... and here, in his apartment, Mathieu hoped to feel close to him again. To let the memories surround him like a warm, cozy blanket, while he shut out the pain of the rest of the world.
Contrary to what Cara had said, he knew full well that he was not the only one in pain. But that was the problem. He couldn't deal with anyone else's pain on top of his own. He needed to deal with it in his own way, to wallow in it, to let it swallow him whole. Only then would he be able to crawl back up out of it and move on. If he ever could.
He left his trunk in the middle of the floor and began to walk around the apartment slowly. He looked at all of it... the kinds of books Roland liked, the music he listened to... and the family portrait that hung proudly on the wall. Mathieu walked up to it and reached up to touch Roland's face in the picture. It was a stationary portrait, not a standard wizarding painting. This was a photograph. In the picture, Roland's expression was bemused and slightly sarcastic, as if he were silently saying, "I can't believe I'm posing for this cheesy family portrait." Yet there was also a hit of pride in his eyes. He'd loved his family above everything else. So much that he was willing to die to protect him. But what Mathieu really would have preferred was for him to live for them, instead of dying.
He stared at Roland's image, frozen in time, and he broke down and began to weep.
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