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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on May 30, 2009 21:47:07 GMT -5
The funeral was over, but the house still felt as still and silent as death. It was unnatural. Jamie and Amandine were still home, and Cyrus had even stayed over with Lina without so much as an argument from Cara. Yet with the whole house full of people, the eerie silence hung over them all. It was like Roland was haunting them, and yet, Mathieu couldn't feel a trace of his presence. It was almost like he'd never existed.
When he couldn't stand it any longer, Mathieu grabbed his cloak and walked out of the house without so much as a word of acknowledgement to his wife.
He found himself approaching a small pub in a dark corner of Hogsmeade. Although he'd already been drinking at home, maybe the change of venue would help him to forget. He walked inside and didn't even bother to look around as he walked up to the bar.
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Post by Judah Ferrera on May 31, 2009 21:56:32 GMT -5
Last time he was in Stu's he had met Roland there. Judah felt compelled to go back there, just for a few drinks. He knew that Suri probably wouldn't mind if he did, as long as he came back home.
Taking in a deep breath, he walked in. He half expected the boy to be there, but instead he found Mathieu.
To Judah, it was more of a hit when the empty coffin went into the ground. He didn't know how to handle it. Trying to be there for his brother did wear on him, but Judah knew it was for the best that he tried.
A strong drink or several would be a small cure for the moment. "Mathieu," he said as he rested his arms on the bar.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 2, 2009 0:43:53 GMT -5
It hurt to look at Judah. It hurt to look at anyone in the family, actually. He wanted to be alone, to just hide away from the world and forget about what he'd lost.
Mathieu didn't meet his brother's eyes. "You didn't follow me here, did you?" he asked accusingly. "I appreciate your help, Jude, but I..." he trailed off. What was he going to say. That he'd be fine? That he didn't need any help? Both were lies that even he didn't believe.
"I just need a drink. A strong one."
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Post by Judah Ferrera on Jun 2, 2009 12:43:45 GMT -5
"If I wanted to follow you, I'd be everywhere you were without a moment's notice," Judah said as he ordered whatever Nathalia felt like making, as long as it was something strong. "But no, I'm not following you, don't worry. I thought that I would come out for a drink. You know Suri, she doesn't care all that much to have something alcoholic in the house unless its wine but I didn't want any of that."
He knew that Mathieu was the big brother, but sometimes the little one had to step up and help take care of the other one. Judah didn't plan on running into him, but maybe it was a good thing that he did.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 2, 2009 14:27:17 GMT -5
There were tears in Mathieu's eyes, but he refused to let them fall. "It's not fair, Judah. No parent should lose a child. And I know.... the way he went... it was probably the way he would have wanted it. Going out fighting. But... he didn't even leave a body... there's just an empty space..."
It was probably the most he'd said in days, and he couldn't look at Judah while he said them. His hand shook, and he buried his face in his hands.
Roland had been his son, but Mathieu felt as if there was so much he didn't know about him. He knew Roland liked to drink and he liked to read and he loved his family, but everything else... he kept so private. And now, not knowing those things made Mathieu ache inside. It was almost as if he'd lost a stranger that he was supposed to know better. But he'd thought he had a lifetime to get to know him... and now it was too late.
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Post by Judah Ferrera on Jun 2, 2009 14:36:48 GMT -5
He was quite and let Mathieu speak. For a moment after, Judah was quite. "I'm not going to tell you that everything will settle out, because you and I both know that thats a bunch of rubbish. But Mathieu, would he want you to not really talk to Cara anymore? Or even your other children? We can only cherish what we have, miss what is lost, and cling to those happy memories." Judah's voice was a little strained. He wasn't even sure of what he was saying. When he tried to replay it in his head it sounded like a bunch of mixed up words.
"Make it as strong as you want sweetheart," Judah told Nathalia softly. He remembered the time came in last. Roland had flirted with the girl and it made Judah smile at the time, but now there wasn't a trace of one. "Why don't we go sit somewhere Mathieu."
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Post by Nathalia Webb on Jun 2, 2009 14:37:57 GMT -5
Nathalia had a shift just after the funeral, which she really wanted to take. She couldn't handle just sitting at home and wallowing for the rest of the day.
She hadn't anticipated his family showing up though, and she barely said anything to them while she poured three drinks and listened to them. Mathieu was breaking her heart... it was so unfair that Roland had to be taken. He was a special kind of guy... and if it had been his partner instead of him, he probably would have never forgiven himself.
"It's the strongest alcohol Stu has," she said, setting a glass down in front of each of them. She had her own, too... a silent toast to a great friend. She didn't make any indication that she wanted to drink with them, though, in case they just wanted to be left alone.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 2, 2009 15:00:21 GMT -5
At first Mathieu only glanced up at the barmaid when she gave them their drinks. But something made him look again, and he had a flash of recognition. He didn't know the girl, but she had been at the funeral. She'd sat in the back and didn't say anything... but she had been there.
"You were at the funeral," he said softly. "Did you know my son?"
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Post by Nathalia Webb on Jun 2, 2009 15:07:59 GMT -5
When one man asked the other to find a place to sit, Nathalia rather thought she would be dismissed. She gave them their drinks, and her work was done, no longer playing a part in their sorrow.
But then Roland's father was talking to her, and her bright eyes looked up, briefly wondering if it would be better if she said no. But she was a bartender... she was here to console.
Putting her hands on the bar, she nodded. "Yes, I did. Roland and I were friends."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 2, 2009 15:36:19 GMT -5
Mathieu couldn't explain why--or maybe he just didn't want to think about why--he was still annoyed by Judah's presence. It wasn't Judah's fault at all... He had loved Roland, too, after all. But it was different. Judah still had all of his children. And Mathieu had a gaping hole in his life that he had no idea how to fill.
But the girl... strangely, she comforted him. Roland's friend. She was a pretty girl, blonde and slim, and pretty much just the type of girl Mathieu would have thought Roland would like. He wondered if she really meant that they had been more than friends, but he didn't ask her that.
"He had a lot of friends," he said. "Probably more than he realized. I'm glad you got to know him."
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Post by Nathalia Webb on Jun 2, 2009 22:54:56 GMT -5
Nathalia nodded. "I'm glad, too," she said, unsure of what else to say to try and make Mathieu feel better. But she thought she should give it a shot.
"You're his father, right? You raised a rare kind of man, Mr. Ferrera," she told him. "You don't find a lot of guys like Roland. I showed up on his doorstep a couple of times, and he took me in, no questions asked. I wish I could have told him thank you for that... but then, I imagine we all have things we wish we could have told him."
She hoped, whatever afterlife there was, that Roland received the kind of welcome he deserved.
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 4, 2009 1:03:54 GMT -5
Mathieu's eyes swam with tears. It was hard to hear about Roland, and yet somehow even harder not to hear about him. What Mathieu really wanted was to remember his son... to remember him so clearly that it would feel as if he'd never gone. Just to find some way to hold onto whatever was left of him.
"That sounds like him," he said softly. "I don't even know if I can really take the credit for the man he became. He seemed to always know just who he was. He was always loyal to the people he cared about. He could be hard on people, but if he liked you... that says something about you."
Mathieu blinked back tears and looked first at the barmaid, then at Judah. "I always thought... he'd go on to great things. I never thought he'd leave us so soon...."
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Post by Judah Ferrera on Jun 4, 2009 10:13:43 GMT -5
"Roland has done great things." Judah blinked to keep his eyes from watering and from burning. "And none of us thought he'd leave us so soon Mat. None of us." He drank the contents of his glass, then looked back to Matheiu. "He's probably the best of all of us, and that is a great thing in itself. But he did take after you Mat. I remember when we were little, you always seemed that you were so sure of yourself and knew exactly what you were doing. That's why I always looked up to you, even though you were always the serious one."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 7, 2009 0:40:58 GMT -5
Mathieu's eyes took on a faraway look. "You know... the day he was born... I still think of it as the most important day in my life. It was the day I became a father... and he was my first child. I was so scared and overwhelmed. I didn't think I could do it. He was just so tiny. And I remember... the Medi-witch put him in my arms for the first time and he opened his eyes... those eyes of his... and just looked at me. They say babies that young can't really make eye contact, but he did. Right from the first. And I knew then... I knew it would be OK."
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Post by Judah Ferrera on Jun 18, 2009 9:40:12 GMT -5
"You've always been a great father." Judah wasn't sure what all he could say to really comfort Mathieu and make him feel somewhat better. Although, he was talking about Roland and that was a start. Not only that but he was out, even if he was drinking. He wasn't just sitting in his study drinking and waiting for the rest of the world to come crashing down.
"You've done well Mathieu, extremely well. Personally, I don't think there could be a better father."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 18, 2009 19:16:21 GMT -5
"I handled things with Cyrus all wrong," Mathieu said. "So, what, he got a girl pregnant? I should have encouraged him to marry her, instead of shutting him out of the family. I argued with him, I called him a disgrace... Even Roland didn't approve of what I did. I think... I think maybe I just got luck with Roland, and with Jamie and Amandine. They were good kids already, with strong minds, and they made their own decisions with no help from me. But when one of them really needed me... I failed. I failed Cyrus, and now I've failed Roland."
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Post by Nathalia Webb on Jun 18, 2009 19:29:21 GMT -5
Nathalia was trying not to listen in too much, but she ached for Mathieu and his loss.
"You probably don't want to hear this from me," she said, refilling both of their drinks. "But Roland did die a very heroic death. And no, it doesn't help anything. He's still gone and it still hurts like hell, but people whose parents failed them don't have deaths like that. From what I knew of him, I think you did very well with him. Whatever that's worth to you, anyway."
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Post by Mathieu Ferrera on Jun 18, 2009 23:15:39 GMT -5
It felt a little like Riley trying to tell him that Roland wouldn't have wanted him to be sad about his death. It didn't help, it didn't change how he felt, and it made him vaguely angry. He looked up at the bartender, about to tell her to butt out... but he abruptly burst into tears.
"I did fail him," he choked out. "I should have been there. He should have known that he could come to me with whatever he was dealing with... I should have been there to take his place. That last day.... when he had lunch with us... He was trying to tell us something. I know that now. He was trying to say goodbye... he knew what was coming and I didn't see it."
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