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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 7, 2008 16:02:33 GMT -5
After the end of the Order meeting, Andi was filled with a renewed purpose. It was time to return to work and stop moping over her broken heart. So she knew what she had to do.
Alice had agreed to come back to her apartment with her and help her move her things out of her apartment and into the atff quarters at Hogwarts, at least for a while. She didn't know if the move would be permanent, but she knew she had to get out of this building for a while, so she wouldn't be assaulted by memories of Ted with every step she took. Now was the time to focus on her job.
The only trouble was, as soon as she walked into the apartment building, her resolve began to crumble again. She was visibly on edge, her breath catching in her throat as the door opened, the elevator opened, or they turned a corner. In her heart, she was still looking for Ted, but whether it was fear or anger or hope, she couldn't quite be sure.
By the time she reached her apartment, she was a bundle of nerves, nearly shaking from the effort it had taken just to walk into the building, into the elevator, and down the hall. She wanted nothing better than to go back inside and crawl under the covers and hide from the world again. But she couldn't do that anymore. There was work to be done.
She opened the door to her apartment and signalled for Alice to follow her. Once inside, however, Andi moved numbly to the couch and sat down, drawing her legs up against her chest and wrapping her arms around herself to stop the shaking. Damn it, this was ridiculous. She had to get over this... She had to get over him. But she wasn't sure she ever could.
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 7, 2008 20:37:02 GMT -5
Alice followed her cousin into the apartment and closed the door as Andi went to go sit on the couch. She turned to Andi and understood what she was going through. "You know, I'm not really one to give advice considering that Frank and I are broken up ... but considering what happened in the Order, I can tell you one thing." She spoke calmly and softly and walked over to sit next to Andi, "I've found it helps if you find something to focus your energy on until either things work themselves out or you get too numb to cry anymore."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 7, 2008 22:20:45 GMT -5
Andi sighed and rubbed her face with both hands. "I know... and you're right. That's why I need to move out of here. I need to concentrate on my work, and I just can't do that here. Every time I turn a corner in this building... I start looking for Ted. And I'm not even sure if it's because I'm afraid to see him, or because I want to see him. Alice... I miss him so much it hurts. Like a physical pain in my heart. And if he walked in here right now and apologized, I'd take him back in a heartbeat. And I know it's sad and pathetic and i should be stronger than that... but I just... I really thought he was the one."
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 7, 2008 22:31:05 GMT -5
"You know.. he looked like crap when I saw him the other day.." she admitted, knowing she had yet to tell her cousin she'd gone to see him. "...well actually, he looked like worse that that.. and I yelled at him for you if it makes you feel any better. Though, Sirius was much nicer than I was. I know how you're feeling.. and I think I took my anger on Frank out on Ted. He wasn't very happy but he looked miserable. I think he deserves it but... "
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 7, 2008 22:54:24 GMT -5
Andi's mouth dropped open. "You went to see him?" she gasped. "Alice... why? You guys can't go fighting my battles for me! I mean... just because I couldn't do it myself..." She sighed. "I know... I'm going to have to confront him sooner or later... I need... what do they call it? Closure. But I'm not ready... I can't do it yet. But you guys shouldn't be doing it for me. I love you for trying... but it's my battle to fight."
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 8, 2008 8:50:13 GMT -5
"Oh don't worry he was stubborn as a mule said something about wanting what was best for you.. though how he thinks hurting you was best I can't figure out. I gave him an earful though not that he listened to me.. he seemed more receptive to Sirius who was much calmer than I was. He did look like hell though, and mentioned that he wanted to talk to you but didn't know what to say. I called him a git among other things... I was mad at Frank and I think I took it out on Ted. But I really don't feel too bad. He was being a git for hurting you like that. So yeah, you still got a battle with him whatever you decide. I just don't want to see you hurting, cause I know what it feels like. " She looked at Andi having just rambled on and on as she tried to remember what all she could remember from the argument with Ted.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 8, 2008 10:46:42 GMT -5
He wanted what was best for her?
Andi turned the phrase around in her head several times, trying to understand it. Didn't he know that he was what was best for her? Or was he?
Once again, she was getting two different pictures of Ted, and she wasn't sure which one was the right one. On the one hand, there was the warm, caring man who'd held her while she cried over her sisters and made her French toast the morning after. On the other was the man who'd kissed another woman and told her that he'd "got what he wanted" from her. Her heart still believed that the first man was the real Ted. He was the one she loved, the one she missed, the one she ached for. And she couldn't believe that he was just an illusion, a lie put on to steal her heart, only to break it.
Hearing that he looked terrible... that he wanted to talk to her... that he wanted what was best for her... those things sounded like the first Ted, the real Ted. And as she stared at Alice, she was unable to stop the kernel of hope that these words planted in her head.
Maybe he was doing this for a reason. Maybe it was out of some sort of noble, but misguided attempt to protect her. Was it possible? She remembered that night... when she had been crying over her sisters, Ted had brought her back home... and tried to leave her then. He'd wanted to let her go, and she'd begged him to stay. Had he reconsidered?
Instead of making her feel better, however, these thoughts made her feel worse. She wanted to run to Ted, to find him and ask him for the truth. To beg him to tell her it was all a lie and that he really did love her. But she'd vowed she wouldn't do that. No... she had her pride, or at least some small remnant of it, and she would not beg him again. If he wanted her back, he had to come to her. He had to apologize to her and beg her to come back. She had no doubt that she'd take him back in a heartbeat... but she couldn't allow herself to beg. It was his turn. He had to show that he was willing to fight for her, just as she was for him.
There was also another little seed of doubt in the back of her mind... the doubt that had been planted by her mother so many years ago. Her mother had always said she was unlovable... Difficult, troublesome, badly-behaved, and needy... not pretty enough, not smart enough, not good enough. It was her mother's way of trying to break her spirit. And although Andi was strong enough to push the insults aside and believe in herself, the words were still deeply embedded in her, and came out to haunt Andi at her weakest moments.
Andi knew that she loved fiercely. She had loved her parents, though the affection had never been returned. She loved her sisters with everything she had, but her relationship with Bella at least had always been strained. She loved her cousins and would fight to the death for any one of them. In the brief period of time she had been in love with Rabastan, she had loved him so deeply that it had scared even her, and a part of her still believed that this was one of the reasons Rabastan had moved on to another so quickly.
And she'd loved Ted more than all of them put together. Maybe her mother was right... she was too needy, too clingy. She threw too much of herself into her love for Ted and it scared him away.
Whatever the truth was, she knew one thing. She did not, for one second, believe that he had willingly kissed that loathesome Rita woman. Girl, actually, she corrected herself. No, she blamed that solely on Rita, who had seized on an opportunity to make a juicy story even juicier.
Andi sighed and blinked back tears. "You shouldn't have gone to him," was all she could say.
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 8, 2008 11:06:56 GMT -5
"Yeah he said that too, that you'd not be happy with us over there. As if that would have stopped me anyways. You know me, I may not have the Black name... but I'm just as much of one as you are and all the stubborn temper that goes with it. As if I was going to stand back and just watch you be heart by him. Besides, you have had yourself closeted up in here and weren't going to do it yourself. And like I said... I was mad at Frank and Ted was a good outlet."
An idea dawned in her at that moment... "You know that reminds me.. Do you remember Rystain? Well we broke off the engagement finally, thank goodness. But that's actually why Frank and I have been fighting. Do you know why we are fighting? I'll tell you why. Because Frank saw me with Rystain and misinterpreted what he saw. And then he didn't give me a chance to explain he was too hurt and angry I know.. but when I did catch up to him... he blindly didn't even want to hear me, he didn't trust me enough to let me explain. And I was so angry at him I ran away and didn't look back. Of course since then I did manage to tell him what had happend and he said he was sorry but he never told me that he loved me. And then just yesterday I got a letter from him, well he didn't sign it but i know his handwriting... and he wrote that he loved me in a poem. I'm going to forgive him... whenever he gets it in his fool brain to actually come tell me in person that is."
"What I'm getting at .. is that it's making me wonder now that I'm thinking about it... is it possible you might have misinterpreted what you saw? maybe you two are just too angry to fix it? it doesn't really explain what he said and why he didn't deny it but... he did look like hell.. i know the look of misery when you're in love now.. it was like looking at myself in the mirror the past few days. I just don't get why he would hurt you like that on purpose if he is as miserable as he looks."
Alice was thinking out loud, not really sensoring her words... just speaking as she was thinking. Now that Alice was calm, had gotten that letter from Frank... her mind was much clearer than when she'd yelled at Ted.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 8, 2008 13:33:34 GMT -5
"I didn't misinterpret it," she said softly. "I never believed he was willingly kissing that slut... not even when I saw it with my own eyes. I admit... I freaked out at first, but it was only because it was so similar to what happened with Rabastan. The difference was, I always knew Rabastan would break my heart. I knew what he was, who he was, but I plunged in and let myself love him anyway. I think maybe it was the appeal of doing something dengerous. But I didn't expect that from Ted... I never thought he could hurt me like that. And if he had just told me that it wasn't what it looked like, I would have believed him." She paused, closing her eyes and remembering painfully what she had seen. Ted had appeared dazed, but struggling, and seemed to be trying to push her away. She could easily believe that Rita had thrown herself at him. But his words were what really hurt her. Those were harder to get past.
"So I can believe she forced herself on him... probably just to get a story. But what he said to me... how could he say that? He had to know how much it would hurt..."
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 8, 2008 13:42:42 GMT -5
"That's the only part I don't understand either... it just doesn't make sense why he'd want to hurt you so badly if he was innocent and especially if he loved you. I don't understand why he would say that. Even when Frank and I had our issues.. it was never like that. And what I really don't get is why he hasn't come to appologize or try to explain what ever did happen." She shook her head sadly but gave Andi a comforting and supportive hug.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 8, 2008 14:09:51 GMT -5
Andi shook her head. "I don't know," she sighed. "All I can guess is that he doesn't really love me at all. Or at least, not as much as I love him. If he loved me, he'd fight for me, not try to hurt me, right? If he looks bad, maybe it's just that he feels guilty for hurting me. And I want him to feel guilty." She sighed and rubbed her face again, realizing that it was streaked with tears. "If he does love me, he'll come to me and tell me so. But I can't go to him, Alice. You understand that, right? I can't look him in the face, because if I do, I'm going to fall on my knees and beg him to take me back. And I can't lower myself to do that... I have to keep some amount of dignity. I won't let him see me cry."
With that, she stood up. "Come on, let's start packing. I need to get out of here. There are too many memories."
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 8, 2008 19:29:39 GMT -5
"Why do you think Frank and I have not made up yet? I'm still waiting for him to come to me to appologize and tell me he loves me. Until then, I'm still avoiding him for the same reasons you are. I understand completely." And she realized that was exactly what she was doing. She did have a letter, and she could go to him.. but she refused to beg, she had not done anything wrong and frank had been the one to throw his trust of her out the window.
" Anyways, lets start packing the bedroom first and work our way forward. You'll be sleeping in the staff rooms before nightfall." Alice gave her another supportive hug and then turned to grab the packing boxes.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 8, 2008 21:41:37 GMT -5
Andi nodded. "That sounds good," she said quietly. She moved into the bedroom and found Agamemnon sitting contentedly on her bed, washing himself. As she entered, he stopped and looked up at her, his body twisted in a typically bizarre position. She immediately swooped him up into her arms, cradling the cat against her chest. "Yes, we'll be packing your things, too, Aggie," she said with a smile. "Just think of all the mice you can catch in the castle!"
She stroked the cat's glossy black fur a few times before setting him down and heading over to the closet. "I guess we'll start in here," she said, as she began taking the clothes off of the hangers and throwing them on the bed. As she got to the beautiful red robe that she'd bought to wear to Le Repas Cher with Ted, however, she froze. She held the silky red robe in her hands for a long moment, staring down at it with tears in her eyes. Was there anything that wouldn't remind her of him?
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 8, 2008 21:50:12 GMT -5
Alice had been packing away the bed linens when she looked up and saw Andi holding a dress and had tears in her eyes. She knew it could only have something to do with a Ted memory and she immediately went over and slowly took the dress from Andi's hand tucking into the box and out of sight before giving Andi a hug. "Maybe he misses you just as much, Andi... it seems like some times men and boys are both just fools when it comes to love." She spoke softly and wiped away the tears from her cousin's eyes. "Want me to go beat him up for you?" She grinned trying to cheer her up.
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 8, 2008 22:26:22 GMT -5
"I hope so," Andi whispered. "I hope he misses me enough that he'll come to me and tell me...Oh! Maybe... maybe I shouldn't move out, otherwise he won't know where to find me when... I mean, if, he changes his mind..." She pulled away from Alice and started to put away her things again.
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 9, 2008 1:24:18 GMT -5
Alice frowned, that wasn't quite what she'd meant. "Andi no, you have to be strong and you have to get back to work remember? Don't wait around for him, and if he wants you.. make him prove it. Make him come to you, Andi... you're better than that. Better than sitting here waiting to see what scraps some man may or may not throw your way. You have two jobs to do and if wants you, he'll know where to find you."
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 9, 2008 9:04:21 GMT -5
Andi took a breath and nodded slowly. "You're right... of course, you're right." She slumped down and sank back on to the bed. "I'm sorry, Alice... This is harder than I thought. I guess it just proves I have to get out of here. It's too easy to hide from reality in here. And I do have to get to work."
She thought again about the little girl who had been killed at Hogwarts, and she began to feel guilty again. Somewhere her parents were packing up her things, getting ready to say goodbye to their little girl. They had a reason to cry. But she was just feeling sorry for herself. It was pathetic.
"You know what? Let's just do this the easy way and get out of here." She took out her wand and waved it, saying, "Pack."
All of her clothes flew into her trunk, folding themselves neatly as they went. "Let's move on to the living room now, huh? Then we'll pack Agamemnon's things, and we should be ready to go."
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 9, 2008 9:12:23 GMT -5
Alice smiled and was glad to see Andi get a little bit of her spine back. They had to stick together and prove they were both worthy of the Order, that they were stronger than given credit for and that they weren't going to let men run roughshod all over their hearts... no matter how much it hurt.
She chuckled as Andi cheated using magic to pack everything the easy way. But she really wasn't adverse to it either. It would probably be less painful this way and it was time for Andi to get out of this appartment and find a new focus.
"Cheater," she laughed.. "come on lets get this packing over with. Before you know it we'll be at your new staff rooms instead where you can do what matters and help protect the rest of the students." She added silently, [/i] and focus on something besides Ted [/i].
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Post by Andromeda Tonks on Oct 9, 2008 16:03:38 GMT -5
Andi laughed, but the sound was still a bit hollow and empty. "If I don't cheat, we'll never get out of here," she said. "I need to do it before I change my mind."
She cast a levitation spell on her trunk, allowing it to float into the living room. Then she scooped up Agamemnon and carried him into the living room as well. "Accio cat carrier!" she said. The cat carrier flew across the room and landed with a dull thud at her feet. "Aggie, I know you hate the cat carrier, but it'll only be for a little while until we get to the castle, OK?" She kissed the cat on the top of his furry head and bent down to put the cat in the carrier. "Alice, could you go get the cat food and his bowls from in the kitchen?" she asked.
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Post by Alice Prewett on Oct 9, 2008 19:22:14 GMT -5
"Sure, Andi." Alice went into the kitchen to find he cat stuff and returned a moment later carrying two bowls and a bag of cat food. She set them down nearby the cat carrier and then went back to pack the kitchen... the easy way this time.
When she re-emerged she said, "Hey Andi, the kitchen area is done, what else needs to be packed?"
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