Teagan Kelly: Inside This Shell

[Teagan Kelly]

Today was my first day of school... I was so nervous when I walked in. The Sorting was a nightmare of epic proportions. I just kept seeing me getting sorted into Gryffindor or Hufflepuff for some reason. That would not have been a good thing. Father would have been so angry.
I'm relieved that I was Sorted into Ravenclaw. That way, Father will have no cause to harm Bryna when he gets the letter that tells him of my Sorting. I don't worry about Shannon very much because Father loves him... in his own way. He is a very sociopathic person, that's what Grandmum says, anyways. Basically all of his tendencies to inflict harm on myself or Bryna can be explained away with medical proficiency and by use of cold terminology that no one really understands. Least of all myself...
When the Hat had briefly considered Hufflepuff for me, muttering some nonsense about my capabilities as a loyal friend, I almost died right then and there. I thought, no, anywhere but Hufflepuff and then he yelled out "Ravenclaw". I felt so relieved I almost cried... Actually, I did a bit...
I signed up for my classes today also. I couldn't decide on what sounded good and what didn't. As a First Year, I'm required to take all of the normal classes but I had the option to take Care of Magical Creatures and replace it with one of the other classes. I decided that that sounded better than Astronomy so I took it in its stead. Father will probably be angry at that but not until I explain that it replaced Astronomy. He doesn't have any patience for that "fiddlefaddle" as Grandmum might say. So, here's my classes:

History of Magic
Charms
Transfiguration
Herbology
Defense Against the Dark Arts
Care of Magical Creatures
Potions

Well, I feel completely whiped out.... It's off to bed.

P.S. I was just sitting in an armchair today, minding my own business (okay, so I fell asleep while reading a book. Don't judge me.) when I was startled awake by someone asking me what I was up to. It was a second year boy named Gage Oliver. I saw him almost immediately today because he's... very friendly and open. At least, that was my impression. He seemed nice but he scared me. For a minute there, I thought it was Father...

[Teagan Kelly]

Well, so far life has been interesting to say the least. Hogwarts is wonderful and so full of surprises. Surprises like Natalie St. Clare and Gage Oliver...

Remember how I had said about him in the last entry? Well, Natalie is a First Year, like myself, and also in Ravenclaw. I met her on the Hogwarts Grounds randomly one day. I was surprised that she wanted to talk to me... I mean, it's not like either of us has tried to converse to the other before... I don't hear a lot about her and not many people go out of their way to become friends with random First Years.

I had a horrible dream last night. It was about my father and I before I boarded the train to go to school. This is basically what we had said...

I walked quietly next to my father, listening as he lectured me on the duties Iwas expected to perform at this school. The wind blew around me and lifted my hair. I shivered as a lick of fear traveled up my spine. My grades were going to be fine; of course they were, they couldn't be anything but.

Expectations were common in my life. I was expected to be the punching bag, to be there when Father needed to release his anger on someone and to keep silent about it. I did such a good job on that one, that even Gradmum didn't know, I thought slightly bitterly.

"Teagan Siobhan Kelly, you will look at me when I am talking to you," her father's voice cut in suddenly and coldly, causing me to immediately lift my head to meet his cold blue eyes.

"I apologize, father," I said in a soft voice, low enough that the curious bystanders wouldn't hear.

He softened his voice to say, " To right you are, dear. Now, you must listen to me. I will know immediately of every single one of your happenings. I will know exactly what you do, what you wear on weekends, what you eat... and to whom you talk. Do not doubt that. Remember, you are a Kelly and you come from an ancient Irish Pureblood family and are certainly better than any of these British "Purebloods". I will not stand for a Kelly to be conversing with a Mudblood, rest assured of that. You do as I say and you will fly through your schooling and into a respectable position among your peers. Am I clear?"

I lowered my eyes to the cobble stones and replied in a soft whisper, "Yes, father."

That's what had happened that day. And the dream was a variation on it only this time, I was in a graveyard and he wasn't Father... He was something else or someone else... I couldn't tell behind the dark mask he wore.

[Teagan Kelly]

I can't shake this feeling... I just wish that I could have Bryna here with me. Father was probably angry with me whenever he read my letter... It wouldn't really surprise me. He isn't stupid and he would've found the subtle worry I tried to hide in my question about Bryn.... I just hope she's being good. Grandmum said that she would try to keep an eye on her but that's nearly impossible. She doesn't live with us and Grandfather doesn't like Father, so he doesn't usually let her visit us. It's sad, as they are the only people I feel truly care for us like parents should.

I met Remus Lupin in the library. I was shocked at the time but I suppose I shouldn't have been. I mean... He is really smart and likes to study unlike his friends... Most of us in Ravenclaw feel that he should have been one of us. That's okay, though, I guess. What shocked me was that he wasn't with his friends: James Potter, Sirius Black, and that Pettigrew boy, Peter. Whom I don't like at all by the way. He really just gives me an odd feeling. And don't mistake that for a feeling of affection of any sort.

I've been spending much time of late outside... The weather is just wonderful, spring is gorgeous and with summer coming... Well, summer is a bit of a downer in ways because it means going home, however short of a time that may be. Summer means more bruises to hide, more scars on my body... It's been years since I've been able to wear shorts and tank tops like other normal girls my age.

Well, anyways, my new favorite spots: Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom and the Whomping Willow. Two highly unlikely places but they are wonderful. No one usually happens upon them. The library is quiet and amazing and all but it's a very high traffic area, surprisingly. People don't just go there to study; it also seems to be a meeting place of sorts for people to gossip and flirt. In the Bathroom and by the Tree, you are alone in your own little universe.

I bring my homework into the bathroom and sit and study or read. It's really been a great strategy and I rather think I'll continue to do that. As for the Tree... Words cannot describe how much I love that place. It's beautiful and lively and mysterious. Everything I want to be. I probably have the mysterious part down, as I've heard some whispers about what could have me acting the way I do. I didn't think I acted a certain way but of course, I don't see myself nearly as clearly as others do. That sort of freaks me out. The fact that I don't know myself as well as others, such as Natalie St. Clare, seem to know me..... Do I give off a mysterious air? I wonder....

Well, I really should go study.

[Teagan Kelly]

Today is a really good day. Yesterday, I went to the nurse to beg her for some dreamless sleep potion and I suppose I looked miserable enough and she took pity on me and gave me a weeks worth. She told me to go back and see her if I need more. I won't, though. After this set is gone, I can't go back and get more. She'll probably send a letter home if I do and I really don't feel like explaining to Father why I need a dreamless sleep potion...

I had my first good sleep in months, really. I'm feeling even more stressed as of late and I hardly had any sleep last night. I've been neglecting my classes and homework and even myself... My poor hair has tangles in them from lack of brushing. I don't even bother with my appearance other than showers nowadays and I've noticed that some of my roommates have been staring at me oddly. I can't explain it to them. I can't even explain it to myself...

So, I'm trying to decide what I think of certain people recently. Like Natalie. She seems nice but I don't know too much about her. I think she knows entirely too much about me and I want to know why.

Then there is that Gage Oliver boy. He's really cool and very open. A lot of people seem to like him. I think he's everyone's friend and that's totally a good thing to be. Obviously, I'm not in that kind of position but I wouldn't mind it so much...

Then there is Remus Lupin... He's totally sweet. He actually wanted to know why I was sitting by myself in the library! I'm glad he's not like Black and Potter. And he's cute too.

So far, school's been great. I'm just happy it's getting nicer outside because now I have more places to go to be alone and draw or read.

[Teagan Kelly]

Lately, all thoughts of my home life has eluded me. I've been caught up in my work load, staying in the library until curfew and even staying up later working privately in my dorm. The other girls have been just as busy so they don't seem to mind the constant light that comes from my poster bed. I haven't had much time to sleep but it's really a good thing. It means I haven't had time to dream, just slunk into an exhausted sleep.

Well, I've recently encountered a girl in the kitchen after curfew. Yes, I've been sneaking out quite a bit recently. I don't much like it as it's against the rules but there most certainly is something heady about the thought that you could be caught at any moment. I've never really been the adventurous type but Hogwarts seems to bring out the rule breaker in me...

Anyways, the girl is a Second Year Slytherin named Ursula Evanson. She seems really nice but I'm not all together sure about her. She's a Slytherin, after all, and I have always been under the impression that Slytherin's weren't nice and that they didn't have any friends, only enemies and those that wish to better themselves by using others as their stepping stool.

There is one other Slytherin I've come in close contact with and she's a Third year named Dolores Umbridge. She scares me, quite frankly. She's one of those that will sell out their own mother if they did something unethical or against the rules. One that can never be trusted. I'm afraid that she caught me out after curfew as well. It must be a thing with me getting found out by Slytherin's. I was in the ballroom and that's apparently a big no-no. Oh well. I can only hope I don't get detention with Filch.

[Teagan Kelly]

I've just decided that there are a lot of people in this school that are worth it and so many that are not. Then again, I guess that's the way it is in life. I woke up this morning feeling numb but alive and I really liked the sensation. There was the dream again last night, but this time it was different.

There was my father, like usual, telling me that I had disappointed him. But instead of the fist that came at me, there was a bright tear that fell from his cheeks to my face. It hurt me but it didn't bruise me like I thought it would. That's just how heavy the pain felt that was forced onto me. But I've been trying to push that into the back of my mind.

I've met Lily Evans. She's really pretty and very nice. It would be wonderful to know her better.

[Teagan Kelly]

I found out today that Lily Evans is a Muggleborn. This fascinated me beyond belief. I think Muggles are fascinating and I really admire their work. To be able to do all they have accomplished without magic! Just the thought is amazing. I've been thinking about enrolling in that class when I'm able to but I really don't know if that's a good idea. Father might not like it that much.

It certainly doesn't fit into his idea of a good education nor a proper one for a young lady.

Sometimes I feel completely fed up with all these rules and nonsense about what you can and cannot do. I mean, I am my own person...sometiems anyways. Why shouldn't I be able to do what I feel would be right for me? Of course, not many would answer that question in a way that would ease my wounded pride but I don't really expect them to. I've made it my resolution to become what I am expected to be and do what I'm told to do, whatever that may be.

Except when it comes to Dolores Umbridge, of course.

I find that that Slytherin bothers me more than the others put together. That's rather a difficult feat as most of that house rubs me the wrong way... Which, you know, I've never understood that saying. Is there a right way to be rubbed? .... On second thought, don't answer that.

Well, I don't know what to make of everything at the moment. I feel overwhelmed what with my "adventure" with a snake and separate conversations with two different Gryffindors, both who are a year older than me by the way. Natalie is the only one I have talked to that is the same age as me but she seems older. It's ridiculous to say this but sometimes I feel like I am much older than the majority of the people in my year. Maybe that's why I don't really have friends to speak of. I mean, talking to someone is one thing. Being their friend?

Well, that's something quite different.